Here I stand, bruised and jaded,
At the end of the old path,
And the beginning of the new.
The old scars have mostly faded,
But loneliness, with each breath,
Chills my whole being, through and through.
Has time gone and left me here,
To face this nothing alone,
Without a blueprint or a plan?
Who will calm the choking fear,
Resurrect my heart of stone,
And help my poor soul understand?
So many blessings I see;
Only gratitude, I know,
Should overflow my dark heart;
But the memories chase me,
And refuse to let me go;
Each image still tears me apart.
I try to focus on praise,
Count the blessings God's given,
And hope for a future that's bright.
I try to forget those days,
Tell myself I've forgiven,
But I cannot, try as I might.
How can I learn to balance
The newfound joys of today
With yesterday's searing sorrow?
Do I have the right to dance?
If I cry, is that okay?
Will the answers come tomorrow?
Does anyone understand
The hours gone, the sleep I've missed
Deciding what I need to do?
None of this was ever planned,
Stories never end like this
When you read of dreams coming true.
It is all too wonderful
And too horrible at once --
The snapshots that show where I've been.
You cannot know how awful
It is to wander for months
In search of who and what I am.
What happens if all I find,
When I look into myself,
Is a shadow ... nothing at all?
What if, deep within my mind,
I find tears and nothing else,
Is it alright to let them fall?
How long is it right to mourn
For things that I couldn't change,
For dreams I scarcely even knew,
For sons that were never born,
And years I can't rearrange,
No matter how I might want to?
What if I get lost in sad,
Once I find out where it is,
After looking for all these years?
What if I can't find the glad,
When I think of all I've missed,
What if I drown in my own tears?
Life is too short for moping;
God is too good to ignore.
I'll survive, though I don't know how.
I'll breathe, move, and keep hoping
Someday I'll understand more.
But what am I supposed to do now?
