A New Me - Poem

Staring at the stars so brightly lit,
Slowly smoking one last cigarette . . .
Haven't had a puff in seven weeks,
But mem'ries bubbled up and I took a peek.
Happy thoughts of years long gone,
Horrid thoughts of years gone wrong,
Torrid thoughts of years lived in pain,
Saddest thoughts of tears cried in vain.
But it's Thanksgiving Day,
So I push those thoughts away,
And try to feel the cheer,
Try to chase away the fear .  .  .
I don't know how
I should feel now.
I don't know why
I want to cry.
With life's bounties, I've been blessed,
But I cannot forget the things I left.
Dishes and dolls,
And punched in walls,
Favorite toys and favorite books,
Thousands of awful, shameful looks.
So much evil, so much pain,
But now a rainbow after the rain.
I feel somewhat stuck in this moment,
Not sure where to go from here.
Do I trust the love I feel in my heart?
Do I allow myself to hold someone near?
Right now I feel so angry
That so much was taken away.
Why was I forced to take part in
A game I never wanted to play?
Why do I tremble in the arms of one I love?
Why do I fear when there is no threat?
Why do I wonder when things might go wrong,
Even though there are no red flags yet?
Why do I long for freedom,
But still want to be held, oh so close?
Why can't I tolerate messes,
When my own mess is almost as gross?
Why is it so hard for me
To let myself feel liberty?
Why is it so hard to see
A future that is good for me?
When will I stop crying
Over a yesterday that is gone?
When will I stop blaming myself
For what wasn't my fault all along?
Today I must make up my mind
That I will choose to love and not hate.
Tomorrow I must choose to be kind,
Choose to live before it's too late.
Yes, I must learn to make choices,
Though difficult it may be,
I must ignore yesterday's voices,
And begin creating a new "me."