Again (free writing)

2 am and I can't sleep. Awoken by a yet another nightmare. Again. When will this end?

I hate what he's done to me. I'm supposed to finally be 'free' ... and yet he's still stealing my sleep ... still terrorizing me in the middle of the night.

I wish I could just get him OUT of my head. I don't want to see him in my nightmares anymore. I don't want to feel him groping me anymore. I don't want to remember him hurting me anymore. Worst of all is reliving it and feeling like I'm there again.

Why? How could he do that to me? How could he say that he loved me? And how could I have believed that he did?

I just want to scream at him:

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Get off me! Leave me the hell alone! Go away! Stop it -- you big, fat, gross, sick, twisted, psychotic son of a bitch! Get away from me!"

But it wouldn't have done any good then, and it wouldn't do a bit of good now.

So I'll make myself a cup of tea, pull out my Bible and read through the Psalms again for the umpteenth time ... And thank the Lord that I got 3 hours of sleep. Better than nothing I guess. But this is the second night in a row on less than 4 hours of sleep and I'm quickly becoming a zombie.

I was a good wife. I was a quiet wife. I was a submissive, obedient wife. Night after night I would lie in bed and dread the sound of his foosteps on the stairs.  Would tonight be a night when he was tender? Or would tonight be a night he was in the mood to torture?  I never knew. 

I can't believe the hold that the fear still has on me.  Even now, I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes feeling like he's sitting on my chest, choking the life out of me. 

BASTARD!

When will this nightmare end?  How long will it be until I feel like "me" again? 

And, perhaps the most confusing question of all -- WHO AM I?

For so long HE dictated what I did, felt, said . . . and if I don't even know who I am, then how on earth will I know when I'm "me" again?