Fighting Feelings with Fire (sonnet)

Numb to all feeling and dead to the world,
Asleep or awake, it does not matter.
A flag of surrender has been unfurled.
The bustle around me is just chatter.
I long to feel alive, long to feel real,
But I fear that I will feel the wrong thing,
And what will I do with the things I'd feel,
The emotions that come with remem'bring.
Burning within me lies a strong desire
To find some meaning, to find some purpose,
But you can't fight feelings by adding fire,
And covering scars with scars makes things worse.
What on earth is it that I'm searching for?
God please, I don't want to hurt anymore.