Awake and Aware (poem)

Walking and talking

While my heart is aching

Working and waiting

All the while I'm faking

Loving and learning

Hoping that it's real

Questioning and wondering

What strange new things I feel

Hoping and praying

For some new direction

Washing, sanitizing

To prevent infection

Where did my mind go

Why do I wander here

When those I love are far away

And yet so very near

I feel their pain

I weep their tears

The agony of women

Throughout thousands of years.

Who am I to question?

I was but a single child

With a longing for direction

And a spirit running wild.

I suppose they thought that "help"

Meant that things would get better

So they made the phone calls

They sent out the letter

A doctor, some trusted,

But no one ever knew

Who he really was

Or the things he would do.

Automatically respected

Because of his degrees

Some special herbs and it was done

His hands between her knees

"Lie still," he said, and then began.

A straw of wheat to hold "the seed."

"You've known no man?" he asked.

"A 'yes' is all I need."

She wasn't sure what to reply.

She didn't understand.

What did it mean, this thing he asked,

How did you "know" a man?

"I know my father," she replied.

"I know my brothers, too.

And every neighbor she had met,

She said she knew them too.

"But are you 'pure,' "

The man persisted,

"Have you ever done 'the deed?'"

To die was all she wished

As he planted her with "seed."

No angel came to warn her.

No army to defend.

There was no one to hear her cries

And surely not a friend.

Her simple mind was racing

As the straw he did insert

"Lie still, my dear, and hold your tongue

And this won't even hurt."

A lie he told, 

The first of many,

She held her tongue

And spoke not any.

Words; flown away

Into the vacuum of space

For what did it matter

If no one knew your face.

She was just another heifer

In the middle of the herd

Too small yet to be bred

Too silent to be heard

But years would come and go

As they stole each little one

"It can't survive; something is wrong,"

And so the deed was done.

She gave up trying to explain

She had no words for this

To tell them all of history

Was lies; and so was this.

For if reality was true

And she was still awake

The pain was more than she could bear

Each time they came to take.

So she devised a way to cope

A way to just  survive

A way to keep her thoughts at bay

And keep her soul alive. 

She buried who she really was

Accepted her new name.

She memorized the facts they gave

And agreed to play their "game"

She never understood the "rules,"

For they were ever-changing.

Locations near and far, she went

While time was rearranging'

Who was she now?

Who had she been?

She never had a clue.

What was the point?

Who was "the boss?"

She really never knew.

She always followed orders,

No matter what the cost.

Until her 'self' was but a shadow,

Her identity was LOST.

So now it doesn't matter

Who she ever was before.

Her life, forever changed,

Had ended there

When he walked in that door.

A coat of white

Some sacred tools

A straw filled up with "seed."

Some evil herbs to swab "the site"

That's all that he would need.

She was alone

No will to fight

There was no other way

As he began to probe her soul

Her spirit flew away

Where was her G-d?

Where had He gone?

What did this madness mean?

Had she been "bad?"

Was she evil, somehow?

Did this make her "unclean?"

Her soul cried out,

Invaded.

Her body grew.

They waited.

To set the scene,

Protect their secrets,

Create what they had dreamed.

How could she know

What they had planned

For her throughout the years?

How could she speak

Without any words

To explain her constant fears?

No reasonable person

Would believe what she would say.

"I'd rather die than face the truth."

And so they sent her away.

Until the day would come

When the child would soon arrive.

She didn't even know for sure

If it was born alive.

How many years have passed since then

And where did that girl go?

It wasn't me, and not my body --

How then could I possibly know?

Was I even there?

Or was it a dream,

A secret I had to keep?

So I buried the truth,

For I truly didn't know

Why they always put me

To sleep.

Now I'm "awake" and wondering,

What do these feelings mean?

Was that the past of ages ago,

Or someplace in between?

When did it start,

Who was the first

To take my soul from me

It doesn't really matter now,

For I am finally free.

I'm pressing on, despite the pain,

The agony I feel.

I'm not even sure if the memories

That haunt me now are real.

So many times they hypnotized

And inserted random facts

To cover up their dastardly deeds

To hide their hideous acts

And dare I speak of who they are,

It wouldn't matter now ...

For most are long ago dead and gone,

Or missing anyhow.

I now have love

A place to sleep

A roof over my head.

My children to raise,

A life to live,

I'm so glad I'm not dead.

I'm awake and aware,

But still questions arise --

Who was I really, BEFORE?

I close that book,

I leave that room,

I lock up that old door.

The "new me" has a voice

A reason to go on.

But still don't know my purpose .  . .

Or what to build upon?

I'm waiting for direction,

Some order from on high?

It's like I'm stuck in limbo,

And I really don't know why!

I don't remember half of it,

And what I do I can't repeat.

It's not that I'm afraid to,

I simply don't have the words to speak.

Oh yes, I read the dictionary.

I studied all the words.

But nothing can describe their plan

It's both genius and absurd.

How could they think 

They could circumvent

The will of G-d above?

For He is just, He faileth not,

And truly, He is LOVE.

Although I do not understant

My past or why I'm here

My present's fast becoming

A mission that is clear

To be a wife and mother.

To be a loyal friend.

To walk beside the lonely

As they near their journey's end.

I won't give up.

I won't give in.

And quitting's not an option.

I've run the race.

I think I lost.

They bought me at an auction.

How much they paid?

I do not know,

Nor do I really care.

It matters not where I came from

Or how I get from here to there.

The fact remains that I'm alive

And breathing precious air.

My skin is mine,

My soul is fine,

And I have joy beyond compare.

So let them drag me off again,

I dare them, now, to try.

I'm not afraid of their petty plans.

I'm not afraid to die.

I'm ready, now, 

What ever comes.

My LORD may call me soon.

It may be morning, 

Maybe night.

It may be afternoon.

Yet still I hear the cries of those

Who wander, lost, in sin.

I beg for just another day'

So they can enter in.

I plead for souls

Once lost, like mine . . .

Dear G-d, please wait  . . .

For there are still a few souls left

Please say it's not too late?

Forgive us, LORD, our trespasses,

As we forgive each other,

And lead us by your Mighty Hand

To help out one another.

We're strangers here

We long for home,

But where is it?

Why do we roam?

Perhaps this is

My final home .  . .

Please say that I can stay!

I'm tired of leaving,

Tired of losing,

Tired of going "away."

I've played the hand You dealt me

The best that I knew how.

I've made mistakes a thousand times

But repentant, I am now.

I've changed my mind.

I've changed my ways.

My goals are not the same.

I'm here, LORD, and I'm waiting.

I don't even know my name.

Please comfort all my children.

Tell them Mommy loves them all.

From young to old, from fat to thin,

From weak to strong, from short to tall.

I know not where this pilgrimage

Will end, is this the place?

Will I ever enter Zion?

Will I ever see Your face?

Or am I doomed to ever wander,

Ever wonder who I am?

Am I some sort of mutant,

Or am I your little lamb?

At this point,

Does it matter,

I'm confused and torn apart inside.

There isn't a vessel large enough

To hold the tears I've cried.

I've told you "I'm sorry"

A billion times

For what, I'm still not sure

I don't know what I did so wrong

Or what the guilt is for . . .

Was I accursed in my mother's womb?

Where was I born; what was the day?

Why did You make me feel such things

That words can't even say?

Just flashes left in my memory

That don't make any sense.

And I don't trust my own damn thoughts

My feeling are too immense.

But thank you, LORD, 

For giving me

A chance to touch this life.

To be a Mom,

To be a Friend,

To really be a wife.

I feel so lost and sometimes alone.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

So I watch and I wait,

And hope I don't mess up,

I really wish I knew .........

But here I am,

And once again,

I'm working in a stable.

Use me here or use me there.

I'm ready and I'm able.

My body has been broken

But my spirit is intact.

My mind may have been bent in two,

But I know how to react.

I've been surviving for so long,

It's all I know to do.

So I reach out to the ONLY ONE

I know for sure is TRUE. 

You created me for a purpose,

Although I'm not sure what it is.

Perhaps to be a loving wife

And raise our precious kids.

If that's the case,

I'll give my all.

That's what I always do.

But LORD, please hear my simple plea,

As I'm depending on you.

So many sleep,

Their minds in a daze

As they trade their time for money

To buy the latest craze.

I don't know what You want from me

Or what You want me to do.

But here I am, so help me G-D,

And tomorrow's a day that's new!