How Am I Supposed to Feel?

Seven years have passed since you left us

Since you've been gone

But I still hold the memories

Of all you did wrong

And some you did right.

You did love in your own way,

But why did you have to hurt us too?

I don't understand what that pain

Was supposed to do.

I will never understand.

I've prayed and I've prayed for a reason.

All I've heard is,

"It was to make you strong."

Was I not strong before?

Was I weak?

Did I NEED to be strong?

I'm so confused.

Am I supposed to be sad that you're gone?

Relieved that you're gone?

How am I supposed to feel?

I loved you. 

I did, you know,

In spite of all the things you did to me,

I loved you.

And I know there were things I did that hurt you too.

Things I did that weren't fair to you.

Because I was angry and so very hurt.

That didn't make it right.

I'm so sorry.

Not like it matters now,

There's no changing the past.

I just wish I could have talked to you

Before you died.

Damn restraining order.

But it was a good thing.

You and I were like fire and ice.

We didn't belong together.

I wish I knew why I'm crying right now.

Do I miss you?

Or do I miss the idea of what I thought you were supposed to be,

But never were?

I think that's more of it.

I think I'm crying because you never got to see your grandkids.

You left before you got to see how smart our sons are

Just like you,

Or how beautiful 

And stubborn 

Our daughter is,

Just like you.

She's always sure that she's right.

Just like you.

This isn't really a poem.

It's just a long, drawn out mess --

Kind of like our marriage was.

After all, how do you make emotions rhyme?

There was no rhyme or reason to you.

There was no rhyme or reason to why you loved me when I didn't deserve your love.

There was no rhyme or reason to why you hurt me when I didn't deserve your abuse.

And there was no rhyme or reason to why you left us 

Without even saying goodbye.

Not even a little note.

Nothing.

And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that.