How Long? (poem)

How long will I be his puppet,
Pulled this way and that
By the strings on my heart?
How long must I march onward,
Like a stoic wooden soldier,
Before my soul falls apart?

How long must I pray for relief
From the incessant attacks
That he hurls through the phone?
How long can I hold onto hope
That justice will come in the end
And not leave me fighting alone?

How long must I try to explain
Why I stayed in the arms
Of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde?
How long must I hold back the tears
And the myriad of emotions
That refuse to be denied?

How long must I smile at the world
And pretend that I'm fine
With reliving yesterday's pain?
How long must I try to forget
What has been in the past without fear
Of repeating the same thing again?

How long must I search through this maze
Of legal constraints and injustice
That deny me the right to be free?
How long must I choke on the fear
That still lurks in the shadows
Refusing to just let me be?

How long must I struggle to find my way
On a path with no definite end;
Virtually alone, through every twist and turn?
How many times will I try and fail,
And wish I could scream "It's not fair!"
Before I eventually learn?

How long will I insist on blaming myself
For not leaving when I had the chance,
Before my children had to live it?
How long will I question the life that I chose
And my pathetic lack of strength,
Before I can finally forgive it?

How long till I can cry when I hurt,
Without worrying how it will look,
Or who it will upset?
How long till I can remember the past
Without beating myself with a whip
Of shame, remorse, and regret?

How long till I can trust again
Without waiting for the hurt,
And knowing it will come?
How long till I can hear his voice
Without cringing in terror
And wanting to turn and run?

How long till my faith in humanity
Is restored to what it once was,
Before I gave up on all good?
How long till I sleep through the night
Without waking and shaking in fright,
And wake rested as everyone should?

How long must I feel like a burden
When I speak of my sorrow and pain
To those who are cursed to be near me?
How long must I guess if they're wishing
They could just walk away and ignore me
Whenever they happen to hear me?

How long till I can make it through a day
Without wishing I could curl up and cry
And make the whole world go away?
How long till I can make some sense
Of the feelings I feel, the ones that I can't,
And the things there are no words to say?