Is anybody there?

Is anybody there?
Does anybody care?
Or am I all alone here
In this frigid autumn air?
Does it even matter
That my soul is shattered
And I cannot find a place
To call my home?
Crickets chirping
Through the stillness,
Feel so lifeless
And alone.
So tired of holding on,
So tired of pretending
I am strong.
Have I been honest with myself,
Or lying all along
When I said that I could do this,
Said I thought I could get through this,
I could fix whatever's wrong?
But I can't.
I can't fix anything.
I am broken,
And just maybe,
He was right ...
A little crazy.
Nothing's really making sense,
I have no genuine defense.
I can't go on like this forever
Knowing that my life will never
Be the same.
So much guilt and worry ...
So much shame.
And for what?
Why do I beat myself up
For what I did not do,
For what I should have done,
For what I didn't know,
For why I could not go,
For why I had to stay,
It's all pointless anyway.
I smile and tell the world I'm fine.
I go to work, I pay my dues,
I tow the line.
But I'm not okay,
No matter what I say,
No matter how it seems
I'm in control.
I will never be okay,
I will never find a way
To be whole.
I am dead inside,
A shadow of a something,
A piece of useless nothing,
I have died.
And yet I go on living,
And somehow I keep on giving,
Thinking someday things will change,
That somehow I'll rearrange
The pieces into something new.
As if being free is something I can do.
But I can't.
I don't know how.
Couldn't then,
I don't know why I think
That I can now.
Gray and dark and dead is all I feel.
I try to hide away inside
From pain so real.
But I can't run away from it,
God help me,
Save me from this shit.
As if You hear,
As if You even have an ear.
Pick up the nearest spear
And run me through.
Please end the agony,
It's more than I can bear.
No one to share
This burden with,
No one to say they care.
Why do I bother
Even writing all this crap
No one will read?
As if getting this shit out
Will fill some need.
It's such a waste.
I'm just a vapor,
Just a hollow body
Taking up space.
I must be the lamest member
Of the human race.
I try to fill my days
With helping others.
Thinking somehow if I care,
They'll care for me.
It's all an illusion,
Thinking anyone would care;
Just a pathetic delusion,
Thinking there's a point
To opening my heart
To try to share.
So I'm brilliant,
No one cares.
So what if I've survived
To get nowhere.
I don't know which way to go
And this pain is all I know.
Just a blip outside the city,
I don't deserve your pity,
Or your time.
I'm not even fully certain
There's a reason or a rhyme
For breathing
Or believing.
But I see my children's faces
And I want them to go places
That I have never gone.
They will have to be the reason
I will live another season,
Must go on.
On to what?
On to where?
I don't know,
And you don't care.
No one does,
Not even me,
And it's very plain to see
I'm losing touch
With all the things I used to trust
And thought were real.
Don't want to feel.
Don't want to be.
Wish there was someone
I could hold,
That I could see,
Someone to tell me
Someday there will be an end
To all this sorrow,
Someone I could call a friend.
But why would anyone
Put up with who I am,
With where I've been,
When I don't even
Want to be here with myself?
Why would I wish this hell
On someone else?
Today is gone,
And with it went my will
To fight, to try, to be, to want,
And still ...
I cannot go
Because I know I cannot quit.
So somehow I'll keep wading
Through this shit
Until I find a way,
Until there comes a day
I can make some sense of it.