How are you?

How AM I? If I hear one more person ask me how I am, I think I'll scream. Granted, if they actually GAVE A CRAP about how I really am (or better yet considered actually DOING anything to improve the situation), then maybe I wouldn't be so quick to judge. But seriously, people, when was the last time you answered that question ("how are you?") honestly? So, in the interest of all those times that I REALLY wanted to answer openly, here goes . . .

How am I? I'm despondent. I'm discouraged. I'm disheartened. I'm depressed. I'm dysfunctional.  I'm disgusted. I'm doubtful that justice exists.

Today I got the shit kicked out of me in court by my husband's high-priced lawyer (that he's paying for with credit cards that he's probably going to then claim is marital debt and try to force me to pay half of). Meanwhile, I'm stuck with a pro bono lawyer who takes 5 minutes to form a complete sentence and doesn't do a damn thing I tell her to. 
I've been sick for 2 weeks. Low grade fever, chronic cough, lower back pain, fatigue, and generally "achy" all over. It's most likely bronchitis . . . maybe a kidney infection thrown in somewhere . . . oh, and did I mention the YEAST INFECTION? Yeah, that's fun. The burning and itching all the time. Joy of all joys. Yeah, that's the fun stuff EVERYBODY likes to hear about.  But I don't have time to go to the doctor.  Too busy going to court and working every bloody day.  So I bought myself some OTC stuff for the yeast infection and I'll live with the rest of the crap.
 
Did I mention my boss sent me an email summoning me to an important "team meeting" in her office tomorrow with several other management staff?  Unexpected team meetings are never a good thing.  It always means she's pissed off at SOMEBODY, and it's just easier for her to yell at all of us than talk to the one person she's have issues with.  Less confrontational for her that way.
 
Oh, I almost forgot . . . my 6 year old son was in the hospital for 3 days this week with a bad case of pneumonia.  Being the ever-vigilant, compassionate, devoted, protective mother that I am, I stayed by his side day and night.  I got virtually no sleep for 3 days.  I also missed 3 days of work, and therefore will miss 3 days of pay.   Yeah, that's going to be great come bill-paying time.
 
So yeah, I'm bloody FINE!  How are YOU?
 
(note; some details have been changed to protect our identities)

Keep On Keeping On

Woke up sweating,
Shaking;
Peed the bed.
The smell of him's
Still swirling
In my head.
His voice, his hands,
The way he wouldn't stop
Or let me speak.
I'm back to just a blob;
I feel so weak.

Why can't that BASTARD
Find a hole somewhere
To crawl into?
Why can't he grasp
The fact we're through?
Hate is not a word
That's strong enough
To express how I feel.
I don't hate HIM, per se,
Because that would be wrong;
Besides, it's over,
He lost,
And I won.
I'm still here.
And although I still shake,
With each new step I take,
With each bond that I break,
With each promise I make,
I am that much closer
To being free ...
To finding out who it is
That is "me."

I still don't care for waking
In the middle of the night.
I'm not too fond of shaking
And pissing myself from fright.
Someday I know I'll be stronger --
Til then I'll keep on keeping on,
And hang on a little while longer.

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