How are you?

How AM I? If I hear one more person ask me how I am, I think I'll scream. Granted, if they actually GAVE A CRAP about how I really am (or better yet considered actually DOING anything to improve the situation), then maybe I wouldn't be so quick to judge. But seriously, people, when was the last time you answered that question ("how are you?") honestly? So, in the interest of all those times that I REALLY wanted to answer openly, here goes . . .

How am I? I'm despondent. I'm discouraged. I'm disheartened. I'm depressed. I'm dysfunctional.  I'm disgusted. I'm doubtful that justice exists.

Today I got the shit kicked out of me in court by my husband's high-priced lawyer (that he's paying for with credit cards that he's probably going to then claim is marital debt and try to force me to pay half of). Meanwhile, I'm stuck with a pro bono lawyer who takes 5 minutes to form a complete sentence and doesn't do a damn thing I tell her to. 
I've been sick for 2 weeks. Low grade fever, chronic cough, lower back pain, fatigue, and generally "achy" all over. It's most likely bronchitis . . . maybe a kidney infection thrown in somewhere . . . oh, and did I mention the YEAST INFECTION? Yeah, that's fun. The burning and itching all the time. Joy of all joys. Yeah, that's the fun stuff EVERYBODY likes to hear about.  But I don't have time to go to the doctor.  Too busy going to court and working every bloody day.  So I bought myself some OTC stuff for the yeast infection and I'll live with the rest of the crap.
 
Did I mention my boss sent me an email summoning me to an important "team meeting" in her office tomorrow with several other management staff?  Unexpected team meetings are never a good thing.  It always means she's pissed off at SOMEBODY, and it's just easier for her to yell at all of us than talk to the one person she's have issues with.  Less confrontational for her that way.
 
Oh, I almost forgot . . . my 6 year old son was in the hospital for 3 days this week with a bad case of pneumonia.  Being the ever-vigilant, compassionate, devoted, protective mother that I am, I stayed by his side day and night.  I got virtually no sleep for 3 days.  I also missed 3 days of work, and therefore will miss 3 days of pay.   Yeah, that's going to be great come bill-paying time.
 
So yeah, I'm bloody FINE!  How are YOU?
 
(note; some details have been changed to protect our identities)

Me as a Milk Cow

This is me about 5 years ago.  My husband would stand and moo at me and tell me what a good milk cow I was.  He made me milk out breast milk to put in his coffee every morning.  My children would be in the room at the time.  What saddens me the most is that it didn't seem to phase them a bit.  I guess they thought it was "normal" or something?  I never realized how sick he was until I got out of the relationship.  Over the years, he just wore me down, told me I was crazy, that I was imagining things, that he "owned me" and that as a "good wife" I was to "submit and obey." 

Truthfully, I think it would have hurt less if he would have hit me as opposed to the constant mind f*cks (no other nice way to put it).  He would hide my keys so I couldn't get somewhere on time, and then at the last second, after I'd been looking frantically, they would suddenly "appear" in plain sight somewhere I'd already looked before and he'd just laugh and say, "You're so f*cking blind and stupid. You probably walked past them a thousand times and just didn't seem them.  You'd lose your own head if it wasn't attached.  You are so stupid!"

I really wish I could feel some anger towards him -- I think it would be healthy.  But right now, all I feel is the incredible hurt and betrayal.  And I don't understand how I even survived with my sanity intact (for the most part).