Never Be the Same (poem)

From the moment that we met, I ceased to live.

I lost myself somewhere in who you were.

I gave you all of me that I could give,

But who or what did I become? I'm still not sure.

I did EVERYTHING that you told me to do.

If you told me to go, that's where I went.

My feelings didn't matter, and I knew

That if I even I even slightly disobeyed you,

You’d rain down bloody hell

Until not a single soul could tell what was left of me.

That’s what you had always so proudly said --

That no one would even recognize me once I was dead.

So, I learned that early on -- that there was no escape.

That black was orange, your sky was green,

And “come with me,” just meant more rape.

Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.

I gave up even feeling; my soul died.

Each time you’d drag me off to another bed,

I’d find a spot inside my head and hide.

I was little more than a child when you came.

I know that I will NEVER be the same.

Welcome to the Jungle (sonnet)

So welcome to the jungle, this is just
A taste of what awaits you in the weeds.
I'll let you have a sample, if you must,
I always have what everybody needs.
If pain is what you're seeking, I have it.
Stored up inside by the bushel and peck.
Just look down the hole, follow the rabbit,
And soon you'll be in hell up to your neck.
If love is what you search for, look elsewhere,
For I'm not even certain it exists.
I've been hurt so much by people who "care,"
But I don't know if there's something I've missed.
Won't you join me here in the jungle now?
I'm all alone here, waiting, anyhow.

Never Be the Same (sonnet)

From the moment we met, I ceased to live.
My self became a shadow with no voice.
I gave you all of me that I could give.
You never even gave me one small choice.
I soon stopped even thinking for myself --
My thoughts didn't really matter at all.
It was your way or the highway, or else . . .
Either way, I was up against a wall.
Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.
I gave up even feeling what you did.
Each time you drug me off to go to bed,
I found a spot inside my head and hid.
A child was all I was before you came.
I know that I will never be the same.

I See Some Light (sonnet)

Ugly demons from the past, running wild,
Tear at the very fibers of my soul.
Although I am grown, I feel like a child,
Trapped alone at the bottom of a hole.
Bags of crap are falling down around me --
The old and new, they scatter on the ground.
I close my eyes so that I will not see
The horror that is piling up around.
Determined not to drown beneath this shit,
I grasp at some roots and begin to climb.
More's raining down, but I just ignore it.
I will not lose this battle of the mind.
I see some light shining down from the top,
And until I reach it, I will not stop.

How are you?

How AM I? If I hear one more person ask me how I am, I think I'll scream. Granted, if they actually GAVE A CRAP about how I really am (or better yet considered actually DOING anything to improve the situation), then maybe I wouldn't be so quick to judge. But seriously, people, when was the last time you answered that question ("how are you?") honestly? So, in the interest of all those times that I REALLY wanted to answer openly, here goes . . .

How am I? I'm despondent. I'm discouraged. I'm disheartened. I'm depressed. I'm dysfunctional.  I'm disgusted. I'm doubtful that justice exists.

Today I got the shit kicked out of me in court by my husband's high-priced lawyer (that he's paying for with credit cards that he's probably going to then claim is marital debt and try to force me to pay half of). Meanwhile, I'm stuck with a pro bono lawyer who takes 5 minutes to form a complete sentence and doesn't do a damn thing I tell her to. 
I've been sick for 2 weeks. Low grade fever, chronic cough, lower back pain, fatigue, and generally "achy" all over. It's most likely bronchitis . . . maybe a kidney infection thrown in somewhere . . . oh, and did I mention the YEAST INFECTION? Yeah, that's fun. The burning and itching all the time. Joy of all joys. Yeah, that's the fun stuff EVERYBODY likes to hear about.  But I don't have time to go to the doctor.  Too busy going to court and working every bloody day.  So I bought myself some OTC stuff for the yeast infection and I'll live with the rest of the crap.
 
Did I mention my boss sent me an email summoning me to an important "team meeting" in her office tomorrow with several other management staff?  Unexpected team meetings are never a good thing.  It always means she's pissed off at SOMEBODY, and it's just easier for her to yell at all of us than talk to the one person she's have issues with.  Less confrontational for her that way.
 
Oh, I almost forgot . . . my 6 year old son was in the hospital for 3 days this week with a bad case of pneumonia.  Being the ever-vigilant, compassionate, devoted, protective mother that I am, I stayed by his side day and night.  I got virtually no sleep for 3 days.  I also missed 3 days of work, and therefore will miss 3 days of pay.   Yeah, that's going to be great come bill-paying time.
 
So yeah, I'm bloody FINE!  How are YOU?
 
(note; some details have been changed to protect our identities)

Have I come this far in vain? (acrostic sonnet)

Some day on heaven's shore, I'll hold the key
That will unlock the meaning of it all.
Until that day, I'll try my best to be
Content to read the writing on the wall.
Keep thinking I should have a clue by now ...

How can so many years have passed me by?
Each time I go back home I feel somehow
Revisiting my youth will tell me why
Each path I walked was diff'rent, yet the same.

Am I condemned this hist'ry to repeat?
God, help me, have I come this far in vain?
Am I forever doomed to face defeat?
I cannot see beyond this awful mess,
No matter how I try, I do confess.

Some more of my "art" (Caged)