On the Lighter Side

It can be so frustrating sometimes dealing with family court. It does seenm, literally, like you're "fighting city hall."  So many times the children's needs and wants (and what is, in all likelihood, what is in their best interest) is not taken into consideration at all.  But hey, there's nothing you can do.  You can't fight city hall!

Yeah, well, in the case of my ex, he deserves it.  If I had only saved the evidence or bothered to report things when they happened.  But, oh well . . .

Nice hang time.  I love it.

Allein mit meinen Tränen - Alone in My Tears

Ich kann nicht ohne meine Kinder leben. Ich weiß, sie leiden wird von mir weg. Mein Herz und meine Seele und mein Geist sind gebrochen. Ich habe keine Kraft. Ich fühle mich wie der Herr uns verlassen hat. Vielleicht sollte ich noch nie meinen Mann verlassen haben. Ich hätte lieber mein Mann vergewaltigen mich jede Nacht haben als meine Kinder mir weggenommen. Selbst die schlimmsten Dinge, die er tat und sagte zu mir sind nichts im Vergleich zu dieser Agonie. Eine Mutter lebt für ihre Kinder. Ohne sie mit mir tun, was ich zu leben? Ich bin nicht selbstmordgefährdet. Ich will nicht sterben. Aber das Leben ist nicht lebenswert entweder. Ich will nur meine Babys zurück. Ich habe nichts falsch machen. Ich habe nicht alles tun, um sie zu verletzen oder mich zu verletzen. Alles, was passiert ist, dass ich unter dem Stress der meine Arbeit und mein Leben zerbrach und ich weinte. Und dafür nehmen sie meine Babys weg? Wo ist Gott? Wo ist die Gerechtigkeit? Dieser Alptraum ist fast genug, um mir meinen Glauben zu verlieren. Aber ohne Gott, ich habe nichts. Ohne Gott bin ich nichts. Vielleicht ist die Wahrheit. Ich habe nichts und ich bin nichts. Ich weiß nicht mehr. Ich weiß nur, dass ich in Schmerz, wie ich noch nie schmerzte und ich kann nicht sehen, ein Ende dieser Schmerz. Meine Kinder zu mir weinen, wenn ich sie sehe, aber ich kann nicht zu beheben. Als sie klein waren, konnte ich küsse keine verletzt, dass sie und machen es besser. Jetzt kann ich nicht machen, wenn man besser. Nichts wird mehr so ​​sein. Was soll ich mit mir selbst zu tun? Mein Arzt sagt, ich bin nicht stark genug, um zu arbeiten. Ich arbeitete den ganzen Tag heute als Freiwilliger. Ich war stark genug. Gott, warum Sie bestrafen mich so? Was habe ich nie tun, dass war so schrecklich, dass ich diese Strafe verdient? Bin ich so ein schlechter Mensch, dass ich es nicht verdiene Glück? Was ist mit meinen Kindern? Sie haben nichts zu verdienen, weg von ihrer Mutter übernommen getan. Und doch sind sie schlafen in fremden Betten in einem fremden Ort ohne ihre Mutter dort mit ihnen zu beten und für sie sorgen. Das ist mein Job. Das ist meine einzige Aufgabe. Ich bin ihre Mutter. Was soll ich tun, wenn ich nicht ihre Mutter sein? Ich kann nicht so weitergehen, immer fragen, ob meine Kinder in Ordnung sind, immer fragen, ob sie sicher sind, wenn sie glücklich sind. Sie sagen mir, sie vermissen mich so sehr, und sie sind nicht glücklich weg von mir. Aber die Regierung kümmert sich nicht um, was die Kinder wollen oder was das Beste für sie. Justiz tot ist. Gott ist taub für meine Schreie. Und ich bin allein mit meinen Tränen.

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I cannot live without my children. I know they are suffering being away from me. My heart and my soul and my spirit are broken. I have no strength. I feel like the LORD has abandoned us. Maybe I never should have left my husband. Maybe I should have stayed and taken his abuse. I would rather have my husband rape me every night than have my children taken away from me. Even the worst things that he did and said to me are nothing compared to this agony. A mother lives for her children. Without them with me, what do I have to live for? I am not suicidal. I don't want to die. But life is not worth living either. I just want my babies back. I did not do anything wrong. I did not do anything to hurt them or to hurt myself. I did not even THINK any harmful thoughts. All that happened is that I broke under the stress of my job and my life and I cried. And for this, they take my babies away? Where is God? Where is justice? This nightmare is almost enough to make me lose my faith. But without God, I have nothing. Without God, I AM nothing. Maybe this is the truth. I have nothing and I am nothing. I do not know anymore. I only know that I ache inside as I have never ached before and I cannot see an end to this pain. My children cry to me when I see them, but I cannot fix it. When they were small, I could kiss any hurt that they had and make it better. Now I cannot make anything better. Nothing will ever be the same. What am I supposed to do with myself? My doctor says I am not strong enough to work. But I worked all day today as a volunteer. I was strong enough. God, why do you punish me like this? What did I ever do that was so horrible that I would deserve this punishment? Am I such a bad person that I do not deserve happiness? What about my children? They have done nothing to deserve being taken away from their mother. And yet they sleep in strange beds in a strange place without their mother there to pray with them and care for them. That is my job. That is my only job. I am their mother. What am I supposed to do when I cannot be their mother? I cannot go on like this, always wondering if my children are okay, always wondering if they are safe, if they are happy. They tell me they miss me so much and they are not happy away from me. But the government does not care about what the children want or what is best for them. Justice is dead. God is deaf to my cries. And I am alone with my tears.

I Do Not Know - Ich weiß nicht

To keep myself busy, I have been studying German.  So I wrote some poetry in German.  It's entitled: "I do not know."

Oh mein Gott, meine Hand halten. Ich bin schwach. Ich kann es nicht ertragen. All meine Kraft Hat davongeflogen. Wo bist du, Oh mein Gott? Sie sind versteckt von mir? Sie sind böse auf mich? Ich weiß, dass ich einige schlechte Entscheidungen getroffen In meinem kurzen Leben, Aber bitte nicht zu bestrafen, meine Kinder für diese. Halte mich, Himmlischer Vater, Halt mich jetzt wie nie zuvor. Ich weiß nicht, wo Du nimmst mir. Ich weiß nicht, welchen Weg zu gehen auf. Ich weiß nicht, welchen Weg sich zu drehen. Ich weiß nicht, welche Stimme zu vertrauen. Aber ich weiß, dass Sie sicher sind Vertrauen, Mein Vater im Himmel. Ich weiß einfach nicht, was du tust. Ich weiß nicht, warum muss ich diese Schmerzen leiden. Rette mich, Vater, rette mich aus dieser Agonie. Ich weiß nicht, was jetzt passierst.

Oh my God, hold my hand. I am weak. I cannot stand. All of my strength Has flown away. Where are you, Oh my God? Are you hiding from me? Are you angry with me? I know that I have made some bad decisions In my short life, But please do not punish my children for this. Hold me, Heavenly Father, Hold me now as never before. I do not know where You are taking me. I do not know which road to walk upon. I do not know which way to turn. I do not know which voice to trust. But I do know that You are safe to trust, My Father in Heaven. I simply do not know what You are doing. I do not know why I must suffer this pain. Save me, Father, save me from this agony. I do not know what happens now.

Shell of a Shadow

I feel completely gutted
Like a fish
No air to breathe
No heart to pump
No dreams to wish.

I gave my all
So many times
But I guess it wasn't enough.
What more, Lord,
What more would you have me give?

I have nothing left
Except my mind
My story,
And my tears . . .
I don't know what good
Any of that is to You.

But take it,  take it all.
Anything You've ever asked,
I've given freely,
Asking nothing in return.

But my soul, Lord,
My soul is aching,
And my heart, Lord,
My heart is breaking.

How long, Lord?
How long?
How long must I hold on?
How long must I trust
That You have a plan
When I cannot see one
And I can't understand what You're doing?
Where are You taking me?

I feel so ALONE,
Naked and exposed
To the world.
I've lost EVERYTHING,
Everything but You.
Please, Lord, please stay.
Don't go away too.

I need You now,
More than ever before.
Hold me close and comfort me,
Hold me in your Everlasting Arms
Because I'm ever so lost
Wandering in this wilderness
Of nothingness
Wondering when something
Anything
Will make sense again.

All the tears I've cried,
All the hours in prayer --
Was it all for naught?
It seems so unfair.

Everything that matters to me
Has been taken
Every stone of my foundation
Shaken
And, if it were possible,
My very Faith . . .

Steady me, Father
Don't let me go down
With the ship,
Holding onto the things I hold dear
Make it clear
To me
When I need to hold on,
And when I need to let go.
How I miss them so,
My babies . . .
Why did You let them
Be taken from me?
Please tell me there's some reason
For me to endure this season,
Because right now I'm at the end
Of what little strength I once had.
If you needed me broken,
I am.
If you need me to follow,
I can.
But where should I go
From here?
The directions are so unclear. 

So I wake up and put one foot
In front of the other,
I blindly follow You, Lord,
In faith,
For I have none other. 

I don't know where you're leading me.
And I don't know why you've chosen this path
For my life. 
I don't understand why the need for such agony
And pain. 
They say lovely flowers can't grow
Without rain,
But I'm not a flower.
I'm not even lovely.
I'm just a broken
Shell of a shadow of a soul
Hoping one day,
Hoping someday
Once again
To be whole.

Only This Moment

Tonight this song came back to me that the Gaithers used to sing called: "We Have This Moment." You don't realize how much you take a simple thing like tucking your children into bed and kissing them goodnight means until you're not able to.

I looked on youtube and there is one video of the song (audio's not great), but embedding in another page is not allowed. But if you wish to hear it, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgzjPfPyiZs


We Have This Moment
by Bill and Gloria Gaither

Verse 1
Hold tight to the sound of the music of living
Happy sounds from the laughter of children at play
Hold my hand as we walk through the sweet fragrant meadows
Making memories of what was today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Verse 2
Tiny voice that I hear is my little girl calling
For daddy to hear just what she has to say
My little boy running there by the hillside
May never be quite like today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Verse 3
Tender words gentle touch and a good cup of coffee
And someone who loves me and wants me to stay
Hold them dear while they’re near don’t wait for tomorrow
To look back and wish for today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Verse 4
Take the blue of the sky and green of the forest
And the gold and brown of the freshly mown hay
Add the pales shades of spring and the circus of autumn
And review a lovely today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Tag:
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment, today