Shell of a Shadow

I feel completely gutted
Like a fish
No air to breathe
No heart to pump
No dreams to wish.

I gave my all
So many times
But I guess it wasn't enough.
What more, Lord,
What more would you have me give?

I have nothing left
Except my mind
My story,
And my tears . . .
I don't know what good
Any of that is to You.

But take it,  take it all.
Anything You've ever asked,
I've given freely,
Asking nothing in return.

But my soul, Lord,
My soul is aching,
And my heart, Lord,
My heart is breaking.

How long, Lord?
How long?
How long must I hold on?
How long must I trust
That You have a plan
When I cannot see one
And I can't understand what You're doing?
Where are You taking me?

I feel so ALONE,
Naked and exposed
To the world.
I've lost EVERYTHING,
Everything but You.
Please, Lord, please stay.
Don't go away too.

I need You now,
More than ever before.
Hold me close and comfort me,
Hold me in your Everlasting Arms
Because I'm ever so lost
Wandering in this wilderness
Of nothingness
Wondering when something
Anything
Will make sense again.

All the tears I've cried,
All the hours in prayer --
Was it all for naught?
It seems so unfair.

Everything that matters to me
Has been taken
Every stone of my foundation
Shaken
And, if it were possible,
My very Faith . . .

Steady me, Father
Don't let me go down
With the ship,
Holding onto the things I hold dear
Make it clear
To me
When I need to hold on,
And when I need to let go.
How I miss them so,
My babies . . .
Why did You let them
Be taken from me?
Please tell me there's some reason
For me to endure this season,
Because right now I'm at the end
Of what little strength I once had.
If you needed me broken,
I am.
If you need me to follow,
I can.
But where should I go
From here?
The directions are so unclear. 

So I wake up and put one foot
In front of the other,
I blindly follow You, Lord,
In faith,
For I have none other. 

I don't know where you're leading me.
And I don't know why you've chosen this path
For my life. 
I don't understand why the need for such agony
And pain. 
They say lovely flowers can't grow
Without rain,
But I'm not a flower.
I'm not even lovely.
I'm just a broken
Shell of a shadow of a soul
Hoping one day,
Hoping someday
Once again
To be whole.