Worth Waiting For (diary entry)

I feel like puking. I am so dizzy. My right leg is still numb. I can't feel my right foot. My vision is blurry in my right eye. This most likely means that a migraine headache is on its way. The pain is already so bad I don't even know if I can speak coherently. I don't think it has anything to do with going for counseling today or anything else like that. I'm not particularly stressed about anything. I was relieved to get checks in the mail to cover expenses and doctor bills -- and that's a HUGE answer to prayer.

I wish I knew what was going on with my body. It is very frustrating to not know what's going on with my body and not be able to predict how I'll feel from one day to the next -- sometimes from one hour to the next.

 

I'm listening to love songs on my headphones and it makes me think of BB and how much I wish I could be with him. And how much I don't want to be wrong about him. How much I want him to be "the one" for me. How much I want to be "the one" for him. How much I want to feel that feeling of belonging, of loving someone, of being safe in someone's arms and knowing that nobody can take that away from me. That's something I don't know if I've ever felt. Almost every man I've ever known has let me down or hurt me in some way or another. Of course, that's because every man is human and we all make mistakes. There was Mr. M, my 2^nd and 3^rd grade teacher. I guess he didn't hurt me or let me down. He was a good guy. I liked him. He was firm and fair with discipline, but still showed mercy and compassion. He was a good teacher. Then there was my Bible teacher at MWA - Mr. H. He never hurt me or let me down. He and his wife bought me a pair of basketball shoes. Then there was my boss at MM company -- Mr. K, I think, was his name. He never hurt me or let me down. In fact, that was kind of the first really REAL job I had for a larger company and he rewarded me for being a hard worker and for going above and beyond my job description and hourly quotas for production.

All of these men that I mentioned were GOOD MEN. My father, although he did make mistakes, as all men do, never intentionally hurt me. He did let me down a little bit in that he should have maybe protected me from PJ more -- but he tried to tell me that PJ was "no good for me" and I just refused to listen. Also, I never told him and Mom what all was going on between PJ and I. So it's not like he could have been a mind reader and known what was happening or done anything more than he did to help me.

So, all of these men that I mentioned (and probably more that I can't think of) were GOOD MEN . . . Teachers, counselors, pastors, farmers, or just ordinary men that came across my path. So it's not that I don't know the difference between a "good" man and a
"bad" man . . .

So what am I so afraid of with BB? Am I afraid that he'll turn out to be a "bad" man after all? Am I afraid that somehow I've misjudged his character and intentions? Am I afraid that somehow he's not telling me the truth -- that he just wants me for my body, that he will be there for awhile and then leave me alone again? What is it that I'm most afraid of? Being hurt again? Being alone? Which is worse? Am I so desperate to be with someone that I'd ignore warning signs if there were any? Have there been any? Not that I've noticed. In fact, he's gone out of his way to be patient with me and not push me into anything I wasn't ready for. Would he wait to have sex until we got married? Would he be willing to wait? I don't know. I guess that's something I'd just have to ask him.

Sexting like we did last night is like playing with fire and I don't want either one of us to get burned. I don't know if we're ready for that kind of intimacy. I don't even know his son's name, for crying out loud, or much about him at all. I mean I know his Dad was a cheating womanizer and he was raised by women (his sisters, mother, and grandmother). What if he somehow got the whole womanizing gene from his father? What if he was cheating on his wife because she wouldn't "put out" and that's why she left him?

 

Why did his wife leave him, anyhow? I mean, no woman in her right mind walks away from someone who is, from all appearances, a loving, hard-working, empathetic, good-looking, passionate, and sincere man. Is there something I'm missing? Is there something about him I don't know? Maybe she was just a bitch. Maybe she just wanted more financially from him than he was able to provide for her. Maybe she had unrealistic expectations that he wasn't able to fulfill in the relationship. Maybe she was one of those control freaks who just had to have everything a certain way and couldn't deal with him being "ordinary" and just being himself? I have no idea. I only know that physically and emotionally I am very attracted to him. And I know that he is very attracted to me. Does that mean we are "meant for each other?" I don't know.

 

How does one judge such a thing? Is there such a thing as a soul mate? Or are there multiple people that one could be just as easily happy to be with if one were to choose to be? I wish I knew the answer to that.

I haven't felt this way about anyone since PF. And then, when he found out about my depression and the potential for our children to have a mental illness (since it runs in my mother's side of the family), he dumped me like a load of hot rocks and didn't just break my heart, he DESTROYED it. So, PF hurt me AND let me down. Then PJ REALLY hurt me and let me down. And between them, I punished myself for things that WERE NOT MY FAULT. I punished myself for things that I couldn't have possibly known about or understood. I punished myself for having been innocent and naïve.

What has changed since then? I CELEBRATE my old-fashioned values. I CELEBRATE the fact that I have boundaries. I'm OKAY with my clinical depression and my physical illness. Me and half the country have to take medication for something or other -- I don't let those things DEFINE WHO I AM. I will not let a disease like Lyme Disease keep me from living a full life.   

And I think that what makes BB different from PF and PJ is the fact that he knows some of my past . . . Ok, most of it (maybe more than I wish he did, but that's okay) . . . And loves me anyhow (or at least he SAYS he does), but HASN'T TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ME or used my past as a weapon against me to make me feel bad about myself. He hasn't expected me to be a promiscuous person, and has (SO FAR, at least) respected my desire to remain celibate until marriage . . . . . . . 

But is it so wrong to want to make love to the man that I love? Is it so wrong to want to physically BE with him in that intimate of way when we have known each other already so intimately EMOTIONALLY? Am I willing to compromise my moral standards just for immediate physical gratification? How important are my moral standards, and are they really MINE . . . Or are they simply the standards that have been placed upon me by my parents, by "the church," and by society in general? ARE THEY REALLY MY BELIEFS?

I guess I want to be able to say "no" to having sex and have that be respected. Or perhaps, to be able to say, "not yet" or "not now" or "not today" and have that be respected?

What if we were NEVER able to make love to each other? Then what? That, my friends, is the question of the day. Because, when it all comes down to it, someday one or both of us might be incapable of sexual intercourse or even of any sort of physical intimacy. My physical illness could progress and I could become completely disabled and very sick. Then what? Would he still be so "in love" with me if I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't get out of bed, and couldn't do ANYTHING for him, but rather, were entirely dependent upon others to care for me? How would he feel about me then? Would he still be just as "in love" with me if I couldn't do a single thing to show my love to him? 

I don't know the answer to that question. I do know that I feel love for him, in a real, tangible, torturous, passionate, emotional, intimate, physical, spiritual way. I dream of a wedding. A small wedding with family and friends, but a wedding. A wedding where I'm not 5 months pregnant and feeling like I have no choice. A wedding where I'm not AFRAID of the person I'm walking down the aisle with. A wedding where the person walking down the aisle with me has never choked me, raped me, threatened to shoot me, thrown stuff at me, broken my stuff, or hurt me. Someone I can love, who can hold me tight, who can share my dreams, who can build a life with me, who can work beside me, who can maybe comfort me sometimes if I need it, and not let me go just because something gets difficult. I dream that BB could be that someone.  I dream and I hope. 

I know that that's how I feel about him. That even if I could never make love to him, that even if all we could do for eternity was stare into each other's eyes, it is HIS eyes I would want to stare into. I need for him to be at that same level of commitment. I need for him to feel the same way about me. I don't know if he does or not. After all, he's a man . . . And they have different physical needs than women, don't they? I mean, I don't really know. I'm not a man. I only know what I've been told. My EX (PJ) made it sound like his poor dick would fall off if he didn't get enough sex or that his balls would explode or something. He made it sound like a painful experience to go without sex. I never could understand that, and I viewed it as my "wifely duty" to fulfill his sexual "needs."

But what if not all men are like that? What if there are some men that are capable of looking outside of their own selfish desires and putting SOMEONE ELSE'S NEEDS before their own? What if BB is that type of a man? What if he's not? What if he reads my text message and decides I'm not worth the trouble? What if he needs and wants someone who can fulfill his physical needs RIGHT NOW? What if he's not willing to wait?

I've already invested so much in this relationship. I've shared so much personal information, so much of my heart, so much of my life. I've essentially given him a huge chunk of my "self" and trusted him with it ALREADY.

 

SO FAR, he hasn't hurt me or let me down . . . I don't know how long that will last. I'm sure that in any relationship there will come a time when 2 people don't agree about something. I'm sure there will come a time when we might have an argument about something. That's something I'd like to explore -- how would he react to confrontation? Would he yell, scream, throw stuff around? Or would he be able to have a logical, rational argument/discussion and be willing to compromise for the better good of the relationship?  Would he be able to lose his temper without losing control?   

The ultimate question, I suppose, is - - does he feel about me the same way that I feel about him? Is he willing to become a father figure for my 3 children the way that I am prepared to be a mother figure for his children? Is he willing to accept me with my faults and flaws the same way that I am prepared to accept him with his faults and flaws (for I'm sure that he has some; we all do)?

I so want us to be HAPPY TOGETHER. I want us to grow old together. I want to sit in a chair and stare across the room and not even be able to hear what we're saying to each other and still laugh at each other's jokes, still find each other attractive, still find each other's presence mesmerizing. I want to share my life with him in a way that I've never shared it with anyone else. I want to have an equal give and take. Not a 50% and 50% relationship but a 100% and 100% relationship.

Now I have to sit here and wait for him to reply to my text message. I know he's at work and probably won't have time to read it until after he's done working and most likely can't respond until later. That's okay. I'll just have to be on the edge of my seat until then. After all, I've been patient for this long. I've waited for him for this long. What's a little more time?

 

I would wait FOREVER to make love to him if it meant getting things right this time around. I don't want to please him for just a day, for just a month, or for just a year. I want to love and please him FOREVER. I want to be with him FOREVER. Not just until one of us gets old or sick or crazy or until one of us decides we can't be bothered anymore or finds a "newer" or "better" person and decides to "trade up" for a "better model."

I'm so afraid that I've already given too much of myself to him -- that he won't understand how much it means to me that I've shared this much with him, that it's not just some fling or some flight of fantasy or imagination for me, that I'm a grown adult that's been around the block a few times and knows what she wants and what she does NOT WANT.

I do not want to be hurt again. Not EVER. Not like I've been hurt before. That doesn't mean that at some point in time someone won't let me down, but I never want to SUFFER like that again. I never want to have to wonder if I'll SURVIVE again. I never want to have to wonder what I did to deserve abuse again. I never want to be abused again. PERIOD.

I want to be truly, madly, deeply in love with the man of my dreams, and BB is the man of my dreams. He feels like a gift straight from God. And physical intimacy is like the wrapping paper on the gift. It's all shiny and pretty and flashy, but it never lasts forever. I don't want to spend so much time playing with the wrapping paper that I miss the true gift of who he is AS A PERSON.

 

I only pray that he feels that way about me. If he doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I will wait until I find someone who does, I suppose.  One thing is for sure, I will not sell myself short. I am worth a love like that. I am worth waiting for. I am definitely worth the wait. And if BB doesn't think I'm worth the wait, than he's not worth my time, energy, love, or attention. It's that simple.

WOW . . . That IS simple. Why have I been making it so complicated? Why have I been letting it bother me? Why have I been so worried about what he thinks of me? DUH -- because I wasn't looking at myself with the kind of value that God does!

I am a child of God, created in His image, in His likeness, and for His glory! I am not just a piece of discarded trash that has been used and abused and left lying around for just anyone to discover. I am a brilliant gem that has been cut and polished and is waiting for just the right setting in which to shine!

 

I am a one-of-a-kind jewel.

 

I am priceless.

 

I am valuable.

 

I have so much more to offer than "just" my body.

I am intelligent. I am a good listener. I'm a great cook and a fabulous mother. I am a loyal friend and patient caregiver. I'm a hard worker and a dependable, genuine person. I am fun to be around. I am adventurous. I am spontaneous. I can sometimes be funny, albeit in a corny and sarcastic kind of way . . . I can be mysterious . . . Exciting . . . Enchanting . . . I am definitely NOT boring! I have dreams, talents, abilities, passions, goals, and aspirations.

I am far from perfect, but I am definitely worth waiting for!

My Beloved Coffee (poem)

Oh, my coffee,

How do I love thee,

Let me count the ways

You wake up my days

Bring me out of that haze

Of sleep,

That wondrous deep,

That marvelous oblivion

From which you bring me back,

Making up for what I lack.

Oh, my coffee,

How do I love thee,

Let me sip of your strength

Give me breadth and length

To this day

So that I may

Continue to move

Continue to groove

Continue to face the day

Come whatever may

Go with my, I pray,

My beloved coffee,

Oh, how I love thee!

 

I must go on (rambling poem)

Welcome back, my friend,
I knew there was to be no end
Of YOU -- the PAIN,
You're right back there again . . .
So what is it now?
Did I think too hard?
Did I work too hard?
Did I love too much?
all that caring and such?
That must be it.
I feel like shit.
And for what?
I am knocked on my butt
Every day.
Like a bull in the ring,
I continue to sing,
But I know in the end
The spear will come.
It always does.
But first the torture,
First the dance,
First the thinking
That maybe this time --
There's a chance
to be free.
Yeah, that's right.
FREE!
Free from fear,
Free from guilt,
Free from pain,
Free from sickness,
Free from all that stuff
Of which I've had enough.
Let me fly like a bird
Over field and tree
To a place where I'll face
Not another night like this.
Where's my bliss?
They say I should find it
And not let it go,
well how should I know
If I ever did find it?
I know I'm so blessed,
but I feel like a mess,
out of sorts, in a rut,
and you know what?
It's a choice between
Pain or a handful of pills
To take care of the ills,
But which handful to take
To numb up this ache
In my head?
don't want to be dead,
just alive without pain.
Is that so much to ask?
Is that such a hard task?
So many doctors
And so many tests
And they still can't find a way
To put this pain to rest.
So I'll hold on til tomorrow.
Knowing I am not alone.
In the comfort of pain,
In the sisterhood of misery.
I can choose to see light,
And I may, if I might,
Choose to hope for the right
To finally WIN, and not lose . . .
So I CHOOSE
Not to suffer.
I CHOOSE
Not to whine,
Well, maybe sometimes,
But not always . . .
And I won't send invitations
To my pity parties.
They'll be sweet and short --
The tearful, healing sort,
and then I must get back.
Back on track.
Back to living
And breathing
and being.
It's all I can do,
But it's what I must do.
I must go on.

Just let me be . . . (rambling poem of sorts)

The pain shoots straight through my head
From one side to the other
I can't even tell my mother
How it feels
How I'm scared
So unprepared.
I'm so tired of leaving
And never getting to go back.
Can't this be the place
I get to stay?
Can't this still be home?
Can't I finally be home?
Is that too much to ask?
Who do you ask
For permission to rest?
I cannot rest.
I must fight this.
But the pain . . .
I've had pain before.
I know what to do with pain.
So what if it's here again.
So what if it never leaves.
Just don't make me leave.
I want to stay.
I want to play.
I want to be.
Just be me.
So what if I can't hold a job.
So what if I can't hold a thought.
so what if I can't remember what I've sold
Or what I've bought.
So what if I put my coffee in the fridge
To heat it up.
At least I knew
To put it in a cup.
so what if I feel like crying
that doesn't mean I feel like dying.
So what if I don't know who
Or what to trust
don't just let me rust.
Just let me be.
Just let me be. 
Please, dear God,
Just let me be. 
 

Tired of Saying Good-Bye (poem)

I'm sick and tired of saying good-bye
I'm sick and tired of telling these tired eyes not to cry
I'm sick and tired of hearing sad love songs
That say exactly how I feel
Won't you tell me that love is for real?
Can't you tell me that there's a silver lining somewhere --
That these clouds aren't all filled up with rain
That there's an end to this pain
That there's a reason I'm even here?
Because right now it's not so clear . . .
I can't even be a decent mother
I'm too weak.
Is it so wrong
To not be strong
All the time?
When will I be strong again?
When will I be able to take on the world,
Be that independent girl
I used to be?
I miss being me.
Whoever the hell that was . . .
I used to have life by the horns,
Tackle every bush despite the thorns,
And make mountains disappear.
Lately all I have are tears for friends
No beginnings, only ends . . .
Can't someone please tell me
When the happy ending begins?