I must go on (rambling poem)

Welcome back, my friend,
I knew there was to be no end
Of YOU -- the PAIN,
You're right back there again . . .
So what is it now?
Did I think too hard?
Did I work too hard?
Did I love too much?
all that caring and such?
That must be it.
I feel like shit.
And for what?
I am knocked on my butt
Every day.
Like a bull in the ring,
I continue to sing,
But I know in the end
The spear will come.
It always does.
But first the torture,
First the dance,
First the thinking
That maybe this time --
There's a chance
to be free.
Yeah, that's right.
FREE!
Free from fear,
Free from guilt,
Free from pain,
Free from sickness,
Free from all that stuff
Of which I've had enough.
Let me fly like a bird
Over field and tree
To a place where I'll face
Not another night like this.
Where's my bliss?
They say I should find it
And not let it go,
well how should I know
If I ever did find it?
I know I'm so blessed,
but I feel like a mess,
out of sorts, in a rut,
and you know what?
It's a choice between
Pain or a handful of pills
To take care of the ills,
But which handful to take
To numb up this ache
In my head?
don't want to be dead,
just alive without pain.
Is that so much to ask?
Is that such a hard task?
So many doctors
And so many tests
And they still can't find a way
To put this pain to rest.
So I'll hold on til tomorrow.
Knowing I am not alone.
In the comfort of pain,
In the sisterhood of misery.
I can choose to see light,
And I may, if I might,
Choose to hope for the right
To finally WIN, and not lose . . .
So I CHOOSE
Not to suffer.
I CHOOSE
Not to whine,
Well, maybe sometimes,
But not always . . .
And I won't send invitations
To my pity parties.
They'll be sweet and short --
The tearful, healing sort,
and then I must get back.
Back on track.
Back to living
And breathing
and being.
It's all I can do,
But it's what I must do.
I must go on.