Full Moon Rising (poem of sorts)

Full moon rising

Don't know if it was bad

Needed to shake the dust off my feet

And try to find what I had

Before I lost my mind for good,

Or at least some parts of it ...

Back when I knew what day it was

And didn't feel like shit.

I know I'm not that old yet,

But I feel like I'm going senile.

I tell myself I"ll get over it,

But I think I'm the queen of denial.

'Cause there's some shit

You never get over,

No matter how many years pass,

No matter the fact you grow older.

There's some shit you can't unlive,

Some shit you can't unsee,

Some shit you can't forget at all,

Though I try so pointlessly.

I try to hold onto the good stuff,

The happy times when we were together.

But then the awful truth hits me

That you just deceived me

I totally should have known better.

But you were willing to have me

When nobody else would,

When I thought I was a useless whore

Without an ounce of good.

Where do broken hearts go

To find rest and peace inside?

Where do tired bodies go

When they've already died?

Does that make me a zombie,

Since they brought me back around?

I suppose I should be thankful

I'm not six feet underground.

Or worse still, a pile of ash

On the ground somewhere

'Cause they burned the evidence.

I suppose I should be thankful

I have chickens, a good barn,

With a handy, dandy fence.

I suppose I should be grateful

That they could save my life.

Just so I could lose my husband,

And be somebody else's wife.

I'm ever so thankful

For the children I have now,

And I try not to mourn

The ones I lost, anyhow.

And I guess I should give thanks

That I have a roof over my head,

Plenty of food to eat,

Clothes to wear,

And now I can't let the tears fall, 

I laugh instead.

Why is it so much easier

To focus on the hard times,

The difficult times,

The rough patches,

Instead of living in the moment,

Letting that stupid shit go,

And learning to roll

With the punches?

If the only thing I have to fear

Is fear itself,

Then I'm totally screwed,

Because I'm a big fat chicken

And fear is an enemy

I cannot fight by myself.

I get so angry when they give me more pills

To try to fix my anguish and grief.

I've never yet known of a medicine

That could bring a broken heart relief.

But I'm so afraid if I don't take the meds,

They'll haul my ass off again.

And lock me up and throw away the key

Until only heaven knows when.

It's been done before.

And my folks LIED

And said I didn't take my pills.

That I wasn't being compliant.

But I DID take them as prescribed.

I've always been RELIANT.

(even drove one for awhile,

A Plymouth k-car, that is;

Not that it even matters,

Or ever really did)

I hate it when people ask me questions

I don't have the answers for,

And then act like I'm an idiot

'Cause I don't know what happened before.

Y entonces, de vez en cuando,

Soy mezclado en my cerebro.

DOS EQUIS ... God, I wish

That there were only two . . .

But there's a helluva lot more of them than that

That used me and abused me . . .

But I NEVER KEPT A LIST.

The sad thing is, maybe I asked for it?

I mean, did I lead them on?

Was it because I smiled and said "hello"

Was that what I did wrong?

No matter, that's the past

And what happens in the past

Should stay there, ¿verdad?

I only wish that occasionally

I could have the presence of mind

That I once had ...