Nunca Seré Esa Otra Vez (poema)

¡Nunca Más!
Nunca seré acorralada otra vez.
Nunca seré abusada otra vez.
Nunca volveré a creer en los trucos malvados de las personas malvadas.
Nunca seré humillado así otra vez.
Nunca más tendré que esconderme.
Nunca estaré aterrorizada de nuevo.
Nunca volveré a ser engañada.
Nunca volveré a ser el felpudo de nadie.
Nunca volveré a ser la misma.
Nunca seré quebrantada. 
¡Nunca me rendiré!
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How It Feels (original video & comments)

I made this video in 2009 to explain how it feels to have your own child torn from you after it has died in utero, from stillbirth, or from crib death.  Losing a child in infancy is so difficult, but for me it was even more difficult not being able to hold them or say goodbye to them. And yet, I must say that it was in those times that I had to cling tightly to my Heavenly Father and trust that my little ones were safe in His hands and that I am still safe in His arms as well -- that He will never leave me or forsake me!

Full Moon Rising (poem of sorts)

Full moon rising

Don't know if it was bad

Needed to shake the dust off my feet

And try to find what I had

Before I lost my mind for good,

Or at least some parts of it ...

Back when I knew what day it was

And didn't feel like shit.

I know I'm not that old yet,

But I feel like I'm going senile.

I tell myself I"ll get over it,

But I think I'm the queen of denial.

'Cause there's some shit

You never get over,

No matter how many years pass,

No matter the fact you grow older.

There's some shit you can't unlive,

Some shit you can't unsee,

Some shit you can't forget at all,

Though I try so pointlessly.

I try to hold onto the good stuff,

The happy times when we were together.

But then the awful truth hits me

That you just deceived me

I totally should have known better.

But you were willing to have me

When nobody else would,

When I thought I was a useless whore

Without an ounce of good.

Where do broken hearts go

To find rest and peace inside?

Where do tired bodies go

When they've already died?

Does that make me a zombie,

Since they brought me back around?

I suppose I should be thankful

I'm not six feet underground.

Or worse still, a pile of ash

On the ground somewhere

'Cause they burned the evidence.

I suppose I should be thankful

I have chickens, a good barn,

With a handy, dandy fence.

I suppose I should be grateful

That they could save my life.

Just so I could lose my husband,

And be somebody else's wife.

I'm ever so thankful

For the children I have now,

And I try not to mourn

The ones I lost, anyhow.

And I guess I should give thanks

That I have a roof over my head,

Plenty of food to eat,

Clothes to wear,

And now I can't let the tears fall, 

I laugh instead.

Why is it so much easier

To focus on the hard times,

The difficult times,

The rough patches,

Instead of living in the moment,

Letting that stupid shit go,

And learning to roll

With the punches?

If the only thing I have to fear

Is fear itself,

Then I'm totally screwed,

Because I'm a big fat chicken

And fear is an enemy

I cannot fight by myself.

I get so angry when they give me more pills

To try to fix my anguish and grief.

I've never yet known of a medicine

That could bring a broken heart relief.

But I'm so afraid if I don't take the meds,

They'll haul my ass off again.

And lock me up and throw away the key

Until only heaven knows when.

It's been done before.

And my folks LIED

And said I didn't take my pills.

That I wasn't being compliant.

But I DID take them as prescribed.

I've always been RELIANT.

(even drove one for awhile,

A Plymouth k-car, that is;

Not that it even matters,

Or ever really did)

I hate it when people ask me questions

I don't have the answers for,

And then act like I'm an idiot

'Cause I don't know what happened before.

Y entonces, de vez en cuando,

Soy mezclado en my cerebro.

DOS EQUIS ... God, I wish

That there were only two . . .

But there's a helluva lot more of them than that

That used me and abused me . . .

But I NEVER KEPT A LIST.

The sad thing is, maybe I asked for it?

I mean, did I lead them on?

Was it because I smiled and said "hello"

Was that what I did wrong?

No matter, that's the past

And what happens in the past

Should stay there, ¿verdad?

I only wish that occasionally

I could have the presence of mind

That I once had ...

A Slippery Slope (article)

Domestic Abuse victims and survivors are heavy on my heart today . . . for many of us, it snuck up on us slowly -- sometimes because we had difficult childhoods and thought we didn't deserve to be treated with love and respect. For me, it was way to easy to let abusive words and behaviors sneak up on me . . . it didn't happen overnight . . . but the end result was a heart that sometimes still feels broken and maybe will always feel somewhat vulnerable.  I was lucky enough to find help, but not before I spent 15 years in hell.

If any of the 'stages' below sound vaguely familiar to you, please wait to reach out to SOMEONE and get help! If you are being abused, get out NOW if you can!

*You say to yourself, "I'll leave if he pushes me around and belittles me." He pushes you around and belittles you, but you stay because "it's not all *that* bad -- it could be worse, right?"

*You say to yourself, "If he ever cheats on me, then I'll leave. He brings home someone else and forces you watch him being intimate with someone else in YOUR living room, but you stay because "it's not all *that* bad -- it could be worse, right?"

*You say to yourself, "I'll leave if he breaks the furniture."  He stomps a laundry basket into smithereens right in front of your children, but you stay because at least it wasn't you or the kids he was hurting (for now); and you try to convince yourself that "it's not all *that* bad -- it could be worse, right?"

*You say to yourself, "I'll leave if he ever hits me." He hits you, but you still don't leave.  By now you have children together, and it's just too difficult to leave.  You're afraid of starting over.  You're afraid of the unknown. Where would you go?  What would you do? So you stay with him because "it's not all *that* bad -- it could be worse, right?"

*You say, "If he ever leave marks or bruises, then I'll leave."  He leaves marks and bruises on your body, but in places nobody else can see, so you let it slide by.  You start to stay home more.  You're keeping his secret.  You start to feel ashamed of what he is doing, as though it is somehow YOUR fault that you are being abused. So you stay with them because "it's not all *that* bad -- it could be worse, right?"

*You say to yourself, "If they ever leave marks and bruises on my *face,* then for *sure* I'll leave."  They choke you until you pass out, there are bruises all over your neck and face, and you've probably got some mild brain damage from being without oxygen for a couple minutes.  But by now you're too scared to leave because he says if you try to leave, he will kill you ... or worse still, that he'll tell the authorities that *you* have been abusive to your children. You're afraid they'll believe him and not believe you. You're terrified of losing your children.  You're paralyzed by fear and slowly turning into a shadow.  But still you stay.  You don't know what else to do. After all, "it's not all *that* bad -- it could be worse, right?"

6. You say, "If he ever threatens me with a weapon, then for SURE I'll leave."  He comes into your bedroom with a butcher knife and on another occasion threatens to shoot you with a shotgun.  By now you're numb and you don't even notice.  All you can do is try to survive one more hour,  one more day, one more week, one more year . . . and the years go by . . .

Don't be the frog that is put into a kettle of plain, cool water while the burner under the pot gets turned up little by little.  The poor frog doesn't jump out of the pot, because the heat is turned up so very gradually that it doesn't notice the change in temperature until the water is boiling (and, of course, the frog is dead). 

Don't be another statistic . . . Jump out of that kettle and GET HELP NOW, before it's too late!