I Forgive Him (freewriting)

Forgiveness.  That's a really hard concept for me.  How do I forgive a man who has hurt me so very deeply and in so many ways?  How can I forgive a man who has never acknowledged the things he's said and done to me?  How can I forgive a man who continues to harass and to manipulate my children and me? How can I forgive a man who has never asked for my forgiveness?  But I do. 

I sit here tonight, crying alone in the dark, and wondering what happened in his life that made him into the monster that he sometimes was.  I can only imagine that someone must have hurt him very badly in order for him to be able to hurt me the way that he did and seem to have no remorse.  I tell myself that maybe he was so drunk that he blacked out and just doesn't remember doing it.  That's the only way I can wrap my mind around the purely evil things he sometimes said and did.  That's the only way that I can reconcile the two different people he could be. 

At times he seemed so tender and loving.  I remember on our honeymoon I wanted an ice cream sundae.  He drove all around town until he found a Denny's that was open and came back to our hotel with an ice cream sundae for me.  I remember how gently he used to rub my belly sometimes when I was pregnant, how he used to talk to the baby and tell it stories before it was even born.  That was the man I fell in love with.  He wasn't a monster all the time.  There were good times in between.  And it was during those better times that I told myself I could hold on a little while longer, that the worst was past, and that surely better days were coming.

Still, my heart aches and I feel so empty when I think of all that he took from me.  He took me away from my family.  He took me away from my home.  He took away the joy I felt from living.  There are times when I feel like he took away my mind and my soul along with my body.  How do you forgive someone for that?

But then I think of Jesus and all that He went through for us.  I picture Him being beaten to a pulp and then viciously crucified . . . naked . . . humiliated . . . and feeling so alone.  And what were His words?   "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."  

And as much as I want to hate this man who has taken so much from me, I simply cannot.  I don't think he realized what he was doing or how badly he was hurting me.  That's what I tell myself, anyhow.  He didn't know what he was doing.  And I forgive him, not because I want to, but because I HAVE TO.  Holding onto bitterness and hate will only hurt ME in the long run.  I have to learn to let it go and find my own new place of peace in this world . . . and part of finding that peace means that I have to forgive him, whether he asks for it or not.

But what I wouldn't give to hear him say, just once, "I'm sorry for hurting you."  Sometimes after hurting me he would say things like, "that was stupid of me" or "I can't believe I just did that," or "I shouldn't have done that," but NEVER ONCE did he say - "I'm sorry."  Why couldn't he say it?  Why? 

I just have to accept that he may never offer even the lamest of apologies.  He may never own up to the things he's said and done.  He might not even remember half of it.  But I refuse to be one of those people who spends their whole life wasted on hatred and bitterness.  I'm too young to die inside.  There is too much of my life left to throw it away on what should have been or what I wished could have been.

I forgive him for calling me horrible names.  I forgive him for raping me over and over.  I forgive him for telling our children that I've been unfaithful to him.  I forgive him for accusing me of being a lesbian and for accusing me of being a bad mother.  I forgive him for things that I cannot speak of yet.  I forgive him for messing with my mind and calling me crazy and for driving me to the brink of insanity.  I forgive him for causing me to almost lose all faith in God.  I forgive him for lying to his family, to my family, to the police, to himself, and to the whole world about who and what he really is.  I forgive him for taking money from me and using it to buy his stupid booze.  I forgive him for hiding my things and making me think I'd lost them.  I forgive for these and a thousand other things that I can't think of right now. 

Yes, I forgive him.  Not because I want to, but because I NEED to.  I forgive him without him even knowing it or necessarily wanting my forgiveness -- because in his eyes, he has done nothing wrong.  This "forgiving thing" is not for him.  It's for ME.  I need to let it go.  I need to stop dwelling on the horrors of what he's done to me and let it stay in the past where it belongs.  I need to start healing the broken parts of my soul, and I can't do that if I'm still stuck on trying to figure out why he did what he did.  I may never understand why. 


That doesn't mean that I will fall for him again.  I will never again believe a word that comes out of his mouth.  I will never trust him again.  And although there may still be a part of me that loves a part of him, that love will never again exist as it once did because he has destroyed it.  I forgive him for destroying my dream of having a happy home and a happy family.  I forgive him for forcing me to trust complete strangers to help me find a way out of the madness that he had created.  I forgive him for making me do unspeakable things.   I forgive him for causing me to live in almost constant fear and anxiety, wondering what he might do next.  I forgive him for making my life a living hell.  Yes, I forgive him. 

And maybe, maybe someday . . . . maybe . . . I will forgive myself . . . .