What an "x" is good for (sonnet)

To him it's still a game of cat and mouse,
He wonders what will work to bait the hook.
Well I won't let him back into my house,
Not even for one tiny, little look.
My days of feeling hurt are so long gone,
The childish things he says don't bother me.
There're actually some mem'ries that are fond,
I don't hate him; just wish he'd leave me be.
I have another man who treats me right,
Respects me for the woman that I am,
Who doesn't live to name call, scream, or fight,
Knows how to be a perfect gentleman.
There's only one thing an "x" is good for --
Spelling the word that helps you find the door.

Forgive and Forget? (freewrite)

Several years ago, shortly after I had left my ex-husband, one of his family members called me on the phone and asked a series of 'interesting' questions.  Apparently, he was trying to "set me straight" or perhaps appeal to my spirituality in hopes that I would back down on my resolve to leave the abusive relationship (although I cannot, for the life of me, understand how ANY "real" Christian would encourage someone to stay in an abusive relationship).

His questions were:

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1. Are you a Christian? Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Savior?
2. Do you even understand what forgiveness is? If you believe that God forgives us of our sins and remembers them no more, why can't you do the same? Why can't you just let this go?
3. How can you DO this to us? Don't you realize what this is doing to us? We're all hurting, and only YOU can clear this whole thing up and 'make it go away.' (Apparently, the 'us' and 'we' referred to my husband, his siblings, his father, his extended family, the neighbors, family friends, acquaintances they want to impress, the mailman, and God knows who else. From this person's communication with me, it seemed that he believed that I was primarily to blame for the entire situation and could somehow have simply waved a magic wand and miraculously 'poofed' it all away. If only I had that kind of power!)

I responded to the 'interrogation' as patiently as I felt that I could. I explained that I have indeed asked Jesus Christ to be the Lord of my life -- and that I am eternally grateful for His grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Furthermore, I expressed to this individual that I HAVE forgiven my husband many, many times over and that I am doing my best to TRY to forget the ways he has hurt the children and I with his words and actions.

The conversation continued. I was informed that my husband was "losing it" emotionally and drinking heavily because credit card companies keep calling him trying to collect money that I owe them. I was asked how I had managed to accumulate more debt than I could repay. I endeavored to explain that I had stayed current on all my bills up until several months prior (when I had spent my entire savings + credit card advance on bus tickets for the kids and I to try to leave my husband by travelling clear across the country to be nearer my family.   That's another long story I'll get into perhaps one day).

I was soooo tempted to elaborate on why I had accumulated so much debt -- to explain the reason I had resorted to credit cards, but I realized it was pointless when I began to receive a lengthy lecture about 'not buying something you can't pay for' -- apparently this person expected me not to buy ANYTHING then.

My ex-husband had always 'managed' the finances and required me to virtually 'beg' to be allowed to spend any of 'his' money. Consequently, when I discovered that I could apply for credit in my own name, I did so. If the kids needed uniforms for school, glasses, medicine, etc. I simply charged it. It felt good not to have to tell the kids, "No, we can't buy ice cream. Daddy's in a bad mood, so I can't ask him for money today." You see, he had the checking account in HIS NAME ONLY.  I was not allowed to even LOOK at HIS checkbook. 

When the kids were upset, we'd 'hole up' in my bedroom with a container of ice cream. Yup, you guessed it, I charged the groceries too. What else was I supposed to do? It beat having to give him a lap dance or a blow job for grocery money.

Several years earlier, I had taken a $1500 cash advance on one credit card to buy a full-size van in MY NAME so that if we had to leave in a hurry, I could pack a few of the kids' things and we could 'camp' in the van until I found a place to go (not a well thought out plan, I realize, but I wasn't aware of any other options at that point).

Truthfully, it really shouldn't have MATTERED if I was $50,000 in the hole (not that it matters, but wasn't even CLOSE to that much, by the way). What I mean by saying that it shouldn't have mattered is that my level of debt was not a valid excuse for him to lose touch with reality and spiral out of control with his drinking.

I should perhaps point out that every PENNY of this 'debt' was accrued on MY personal credit cards and in no way impacted HIS credit rating (our finances had never been 'married' & we'd never had ANY joint accounts EVER. Besides, never ONCE had I indicated that I EVER expected him to pay for a dime of MY debt. So you see, as far as HE was concerned, my debts really SHOULD NOT have mattered. I had never spent 'his' money without his permission or expected him to 'help me' repay my bills (although, to be fair, there were a few times he paid off some of my debt -- but I hadn't ask him to.  If he did pay off any of my debt, he then would proceed to "hold it over my head" and expect extra sexual favors as "repayment").

Just for the the sake of curiosity, I added up how much my husband had spent on cigarettes and booze since we had been together and a CONSERVATIVE estimate is $70-80,000. But I don't hear ANYBODY telling HIM that he has been a poor manager of money. Heavens no, but since *I* charged groceries or gas or clothes because he wasn't working AGAIN, that makes *ME* an EVIL person that's somehow completely responsible for his current mental 'meltdown.' Give me a break .........

I had listened to this person's verbal vomit for as long as I could possibly stand it. He had gone on and on about how the family 'loves me and the kids so much' and how they hoped that soon I will 'come to my senses and stop this legal nonsense.'

THANK GOD someone had come to their door and interrupted them, or who knows how much more I might have had to listen to. Yes, I could have hung up. But that wouldn't have been the 'Christian' thing to do, would it have? LOL ..... and seeing as his family ALREADY seemed to think I was the spawn of Satan, I didn't need to go out of my way to tick them off.

(Lord, forgive me for spitting all that out like that. I'm human, though. And it hurts, Lord -- to have everything you say & do questioned, scrutinized, and judged (often without any factual basis). Humble me, Father. Remind me that but for Your grace, I would be no different.)

I've been wondering how I might have handled the phone call differently -- and whether or not it would have mattered one way or the other. I tried to think of how to put into words what seems so CLEAR to me -- the fact that I have forgiven my husband does NOT mean that I am willing to overlook the things he has said & done (and, sadly, in some cases CONTINUES to say & do). Neither do I think that it is right for me to interfere with the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of his actions. I REFUSED to enable him any longer, to make excuses for him, or to feel GUILTY for doing what I believed was right.
I simply was NOT WILLING to place myself or the children in a situation where there was a potential for further abuse. Why was that so hard for him and his family to grasp?

Today I read through most of Charles Spurgeon's book "All of Grace."

One word -- WOW! Especially chapter 15, entitled:

Repentance Must Go With Forgiveness.

Here is a short bit:
"If the Lord were to say, "You love sin, and live in it, and you are going from bad to worse, but, all the same, I forgive you," this would proclaim a horrible license for iniquity ... So long as God lives, there can be no promise of mercy to those who continue in their evil ways, and refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoing. Repentance ... is a change of mind of the most thorough and radical sort, and it is attended with sorrow for the past, and a resolve of amendment in the future.

Repentance is to leave
The sins we loved before;
And show that we in earnest grieve,
By doing so no more. "
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Did I happen to say WOW? Nobody says it quite like Spurgeon. I realize that he's speaking of God's forgiveness of OUR sins going hand in hand with OUR Repentance. However, it only stands to reason that the same basic principle should apply in our relationships with others.

My forgiveness of another may not necessarily REQUIRE his/her acknowledgement of wrongdoing, but it would sure be HELPFUL. And it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that I shouldn't be asked repeatedly to 'just forget' the wrong that others have done IF THEY AREN'T EVEN WILLING TO ADMIT that they've done anything wrong and show no apparent remorse. Furthermore, I don't believe it's fair for me to be asked over & over again to 'just forgive' them if they choose to CONTINUE their behavior with no indication of real change having taken place over an extended period of time (empty words and promises mean NOTHING to me; and ANYBODY can 'straighten up' for a few weeks).

I am willing to forgive ... in the limited sense that I choose not to allow bitterness to eat me up from the inside out. I have turned the results/consequences for others' choices over to the Lord and I refuse to hold a grudge.

BUT ... Don't ask me to just 'forget about it.' I cannot, and I will not.

Someday we will ALL have to stand before the throne and answer to Almighty God ... I can't answer for anyone else. I can't see their hearts or read their minds. I have enough to worry about keeping MYSELF 'in line.' Each and every day, I fall on my knees at the foot of the cross and praise God for his abundant grace and forgiveness and pray earnestly that He will continue the work that He's begun in my life.

I Forgive Him (freewriting)

Forgiveness.  That's a really hard concept for me.  How do I forgive a man who has hurt me so very deeply and in so many ways?  How can I forgive a man who has never acknowledged the things he's said and done to me?  How can I forgive a man who continues to harass and to manipulate my children and me? How can I forgive a man who has never asked for my forgiveness?  But I do. 

I sit here tonight, crying alone in the dark, and wondering what happened in his life that made him into the monster that he sometimes was.  I can only imagine that someone must have hurt him very badly in order for him to be able to hurt me the way that he did and seem to have no remorse.  I tell myself that maybe he was so drunk that he blacked out and just doesn't remember doing it.  That's the only way I can wrap my mind around the purely evil things he sometimes said and did.  That's the only way that I can reconcile the two different people he could be. 

At times he seemed so tender and loving.  I remember on our honeymoon I wanted an ice cream sundae.  He drove all around town until he found a Denny's that was open and came back to our hotel with an ice cream sundae for me.  I remember how gently he used to rub my belly sometimes when I was pregnant, how he used to talk to the baby and tell it stories before it was even born.  That was the man I fell in love with.  He wasn't a monster all the time.  There were good times in between.  And it was during those better times that I told myself I could hold on a little while longer, that the worst was past, and that surely better days were coming.

Still, my heart aches and I feel so empty when I think of all that he took from me.  He took me away from my family.  He took me away from my home.  He took away the joy I felt from living.  There are times when I feel like he took away my mind and my soul along with my body.  How do you forgive someone for that?

But then I think of Jesus and all that He went through for us.  I picture Him being beaten to a pulp and then viciously crucified . . . naked . . . humiliated . . . and feeling so alone.  And what were His words?   "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."  

And as much as I want to hate this man who has taken so much from me, I simply cannot.  I don't think he realized what he was doing or how badly he was hurting me.  That's what I tell myself, anyhow.  He didn't know what he was doing.  And I forgive him, not because I want to, but because I HAVE TO.  Holding onto bitterness and hate will only hurt ME in the long run.  I have to learn to let it go and find my own new place of peace in this world . . . and part of finding that peace means that I have to forgive him, whether he asks for it or not.

But what I wouldn't give to hear him say, just once, "I'm sorry for hurting you."  Sometimes after hurting me he would say things like, "that was stupid of me" or "I can't believe I just did that," or "I shouldn't have done that," but NEVER ONCE did he say - "I'm sorry."  Why couldn't he say it?  Why? 

I just have to accept that he may never offer even the lamest of apologies.  He may never own up to the things he's said and done.  He might not even remember half of it.  But I refuse to be one of those people who spends their whole life wasted on hatred and bitterness.  I'm too young to die inside.  There is too much of my life left to throw it away on what should have been or what I wished could have been.

I forgive him for calling me horrible names.  I forgive him for raping me over and over.  I forgive him for telling our children that I've been unfaithful to him.  I forgive him for accusing me of being a lesbian and for accusing me of being a bad mother.  I forgive him for things that I cannot speak of yet.  I forgive him for messing with my mind and calling me crazy and for driving me to the brink of insanity.  I forgive him for causing me to almost lose all faith in God.  I forgive him for lying to his family, to my family, to the police, to himself, and to the whole world about who and what he really is.  I forgive him for taking money from me and using it to buy his stupid booze.  I forgive him for hiding my things and making me think I'd lost them.  I forgive for these and a thousand other things that I can't think of right now. 

Yes, I forgive him.  Not because I want to, but because I NEED to.  I forgive him without him even knowing it or necessarily wanting my forgiveness -- because in his eyes, he has done nothing wrong.  This "forgiving thing" is not for him.  It's for ME.  I need to let it go.  I need to stop dwelling on the horrors of what he's done to me and let it stay in the past where it belongs.  I need to start healing the broken parts of my soul, and I can't do that if I'm still stuck on trying to figure out why he did what he did.  I may never understand why. 


That doesn't mean that I will fall for him again.  I will never again believe a word that comes out of his mouth.  I will never trust him again.  And although there may still be a part of me that loves a part of him, that love will never again exist as it once did because he has destroyed it.  I forgive him for destroying my dream of having a happy home and a happy family.  I forgive him for forcing me to trust complete strangers to help me find a way out of the madness that he had created.  I forgive him for making me do unspeakable things.   I forgive him for causing me to live in almost constant fear and anxiety, wondering what he might do next.  I forgive him for making my life a living hell.  Yes, I forgive him. 

And maybe, maybe someday . . . . maybe . . . I will forgive myself . . . .