Tuesday, November 14, 2023
Why Can't I?
Why can't I say what's on my heart?
Why can't I say no to what I don't want to do?
Why can't I feel pride when the day is through?
Why can't I get over the pain of the past?
Why can't I answer the questions people ask?
Why do I lie to make myself understood?
Why can't I do all the things that I should?
Why can't I keep my house clean at all,
why can't I finish a task, no matter how small?
Why can't I fix what's broken down?
Why can't I turn my life around?
Why can't I make myself understood?
Why can't I seem to do anything good?
Why can't I keep my mind focused at all?
Why can't I stop staring at blobs on the wall?
Why can't I stop caring what others think of me?
Why can't I start caring what I want to be?
Why can't I stop remembering he put me through?
Why can't I stop feeling bad for the things I can't do?
Why can't I let go of what I cannot fix?
Why can't I ignore folks and their politics?
Why can't I just live and let others live too?
I think that's what I'll do.
Friday, October 27, 2023
Heart in a Cage
Never sure what thing would make him mad
Now I feel as though a cage is my home
And my heart isn't always glad.
Sure, I'm happy to be home, secure.
I'm thankful for a place that's safe.
Still, why can't I decide what I need for me?
Why must I feel my feelings are a disgrace?
I need independence to decide on my own
What things are right for me to do.
I need the freedom to fly when I need to fly,
Not sit in my cage and coo.
I'm tired of following rules and regulations
I'm tired of being the good one, the best.
I'm tired of coloring in the lines,
I want to fly higher than all the rest.
I want to touch the clouds with my wings.
I want to soar with the eagles on high,
Not sit on my perch in this blasted old cage
Perpetually wondering why.
Why can't I go to the casino?
Why can't I do things by myself?
Sometimes when I say what I'd like to do
It seems like you are just deaf.
Yes, I know that we're married,
And I love you as I love no other.
But sometimes your love leaves me feeling
More than a little bit smothered.
I feel as if you treat me
Like you're scared that I'll go wild
If you let me do what I want to do --
You treat me like a child!
I know that you want what is best for me
And you're worried that I'll spend our money.
But what about my sanity?
Doesn't that matter too, honey?
I've been working so hard at work,
And it's been a hard couple of days.
I really need to get away
And have some fun in some way.
I'll be careful, I promise.
And responsible too.
I know what's at stake,
I won't disappoint you.
But I need to get away
From work and this house
Just for a little while.
I need to remind myself once again
Of the things besides you
That make me smile.
I wouldn't necessarily say that you're controlling,
But you definitely have a certain way
Of talking me into staying when I wanted to go
And not knowing what I should say.
It's not really like a guilt trip per se,
But I suppose that's what you could call it
And each and every freaking time,
I'm the one who falls for it.
So then I'm left with this slightly resentful feeling
That I don't like, left in my heart,
Wishing it would go away,
But it won't, it just tears me apart.
Wednesday, September 27, 2023
A Pool Full of Glue
I chase away thoughts of going back to sleep.
Try as I might, I can't help but worry.
This day could be joyous or trouble so deep.
I dress in the dark so as not to wake hubby,
And kiss his warm cheek there,
So rosy and chubby.
How I wish I could stay there and snuggle all day.
But the clock says I cannot,
And time whisks me away.
Making coffee, making lunch.
Hear the cereal go crunch.
I'm not hungry, but I munch,
Forcing food inside my mouth
And praying it stays south and
Doesn't come back up to visit.
That's not a very nice thought,
Is it?
I put on a new shade of lipstick
And carefully coif my hair.
I've already donned my new outfit,
And I pray nobody will stare.
What little speck of confidence
I had found hidden in the corner of my soul
Is now cowering in the corner with my mountain of fears;
I'm left feeling helpless and far less than whole.
Who's supposed to teach the Teacher
How to stand up straight and tall?
Who protects the poor Professor
When she can't find her way at all?
But I lecture brilliantly,
Pass out tests, and collect exams.
Nobody would have the slightest clue
Of the nervous wreck that I am.
When I pass my colleagues in the hallway,
I smile. I wave. I nod.
But they must know I'm a fraud.
Surely they can see right through me
And smell my insecurity?
I try my best all day
To put forth confidence and swagger,
But truth be told I'm not feeling it,
And I've never been a bragger.
As the day drags on,
I can't wait to crawl home
And curl up on my bed
With a beer.
Noone can stare at me here.
I won't feel all this fear.
I won't wonder if I'm doing
All the things right.
All the time.
A brave face.
Or slapping on a smile and pretending
I belong in that place.
I feel like an imposter.
I feel like a fake.
I feel like people are watching
Each move that I make.
I feel so alone there
Like everyone but me knows what to do
And I'm just swimming in the deep end
Of a pool full of glue.
Wednesday, August 2, 2023
Adrift
Adrift on a sea of nothingness,
Just trying to stay afloat;
Wondering why I am flound'ring,
And wishing I had a boat.
I wouldn't say that I'm drowning;
That is silly -- I know how to swim!
But the waters flood all around me,
I'm engulfed by the mem'ries of HIM.
So many years have gone by
Since he made me his unwilling slave.
Now here I am, decades later,
Still battling each stormy wave.
Up and down I wildly bob,
While the flashbacks hit me like thunder.
The winds of regret buffet my sorry soul,
While the current of shame sucks me under.
I kick against the tangle of seaweed,
Those nightmares infesting my dreams.
No matter how happy my day might have been,
Still the night terrors come, so it seems.
I look for a sign
Of an island nearby
A place I can rest,
Maybe curl up and cry.
But the tears never come
They have run from me too,
So I drift in this ocean
Without knowing what to do.
Monday, April 17, 2023
I Used To Care
Tuesday, March 7, 2023
Nunca Seré Esa Otra Vez (poema)
¡Nunca MĂ¡s!
- Nunca seré acorralada otra vez.
- Nunca seré abusada otra vez.
- Nunca volveré a creer en los trucos malvados de las personas malvadas.
- Nunca seré humillado asà otra vez.
- Nunca mĂ¡s tendrĂ© que esconderme.
- Nunca estaré aterrorizada de nuevo.
- Nunca volveré a ser engañada.
- Nunca volveré a ser el felpudo de nadie.
- Nunca volveré a ser la misma.
- Nunca seré quebrantada.
¡Nunca me rendirĂ©!
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Sunday, March 5, 2023
How It Feels (original video & comments)
Friday, March 3, 2023
Full Moon Rising (poem of sorts)
Full moon risingDon't know if it was badNeeded to shake the dust off my feetAnd try to find what I hadBefore I lost my mind for good,Or at least some parts of it ...Back when I knew what day it wasAnd didn't feel like shit.I know I'm not that old yet,But I feel like I'm going senile.I tell myself I"ll get over it,But I think I'm the queen of denial.'Cause there's some shitYou never get over,No matter how many years pass,No matter the fact you grow older.There's some shit you can't unlive,Some shit you can't unsee,Some shit you can't forget at all,Though I try so pointlessly.I try to hold onto the good stuff,The happy times when we were together.But then the awful truth hits meThat you just deceived meI totally should have known better.But you were willing to have meWhen nobody else would,When I thought I was a useless whoreWithout an ounce of good.Where do broken hearts goTo find rest and peace inside?Where do tired bodies goWhen they've already died?Does that make me a zombie,Since they brought me back around?I suppose I should be thankfulI'm not six feet underground.Or worse still, a pile of ashOn the ground somewhere'Cause they burned the evidence.I suppose I should be thankfulI have chickens, a good barn,With a handy, dandy fence.I suppose I should be gratefulThat they could save my life.Just so I could lose my husband,And be somebody else's wife.I'm ever so thankfulFor the children I have now,And I try not to mournThe ones I lost, anyhow.And I guess I should give thanksThat I have a roof over my head,Plenty of food to eat,Clothes to wear,And now I can't let the tears fall,
I laugh instead.Why is it so much easierTo focus on the hard times,The difficult times,The rough patches,Instead of living in the moment,Letting that stupid shit go,And learning to rollWith the punches?If the only thing I have to fearIs fear itself,Then I'm totally screwed,Because I'm a big fat chickenAnd fear is an enemyI cannot fight by myself.I get so angry when they give me more pillsTo try to fix my anguish and grief.I've never yet known of a medicineThat could bring a broken heart relief.But I'm so afraid if I don't take the meds,They'll haul my ass off again.And lock me up and throw away the keyUntil only heaven knows when.It's been done before.And my folks LIEDAnd said I didn't take my pills.That I wasn't being compliant.But I DID take them as prescribed.I've always been RELIANT.(even drove one for awhile,A Plymouth k-car, that is;Not that it even matters,Or ever really did)I hate it when people ask me questionsI don't have the answers for,And then act like I'm an idiot'Cause I don't know what happened before.Y entonces, de vez en cuando,Soy mezclado en my cerebro.DOS EQUIS ... God, I wishThat there were only two . . .But there's a helluva lot more of them than thatThat used me and abused me . . .But I NEVER KEPT A LIST.The sad thing is, maybe I asked for it?I mean, did I lead them on?Was it because I smiled and said "hello"Was that what I did wrong?No matter, that's the pastAnd what happens in the pastShould stay there, ¿verdad?I only wish that occasionallyI could have the presence of mindThat I once had ...
Thursday, March 2, 2023
A Slippery Slope (article)
Domestic Abuse victims and survivors are heavy on my heart today . . . for many of us, it snuck up on us slowly -- sometimes because we had difficult childhoods and thought we didn't deserve to be treated with love and respect. For me, it was way to easy to let abusive words and behaviors sneak up on me . . . it didn't happen overnight . . . but the end result was a heart that sometimes still feels broken and maybe will always feel somewhat vulnerable. I was lucky enough to find help, but not before I spent 15 years in hell.
If any of the 'stages' below sound vaguely familiar to you, please wait to reach out to SOMEONE and get help! If you are being abused, get out NOW if you can!