I Cut the Darn Strings (sonnet)

"Right arm up, left arm down, and now you dance."
With strings, you held me like a marionette.
Controlled by you, I never had a chance.
What you gave me was all that I could get.
I was your puppet, and you my master,
You chose the music, and you chose the speed.
If I got tired, you made me go faster,
Anything to meet your ev'ry lil need.
Now I've found my strength, I cut the darn strings,
And I dance to the tune in my own heart.
I've found the joy that only freedom brings,
Even though you almost tore me apart.
I may not be too nimble or graceful,
But I'm strong to the end and I'm faithful.

I'd Rather Be Dead (sonnet)

Take your flowers from the grocery store
And shove them where the sun will never shine.
I won't let you torment me anymore.
I have a new life that's totally mine.
Your attempts to control me are a waste.
Your accusation's nothing but a lie.
You're nothing to me but a bitter taste
Left in my mouth from days long since gone by.
I am determined to be free of you,
Your lies, and all of your insanity.
I wish you'd understand that we are THROUGH
And give up on playing mind games with me.
"We had our moments," that's true what you said.
But go back to you? I'd rather be dead.

Me as a Milk Cow

This is me about 5 years ago.  My husband would stand and moo at me and tell me what a good milk cow I was.  He made me milk out breast milk to put in his coffee every morning.  My children would be in the room at the time.  What saddens me the most is that it didn't seem to phase them a bit.  I guess they thought it was "normal" or something?  I never realized how sick he was until I got out of the relationship.  Over the years, he just wore me down, told me I was crazy, that I was imagining things, that he "owned me" and that as a "good wife" I was to "submit and obey." 

Truthfully, I think it would have hurt less if he would have hit me as opposed to the constant mind f*cks (no other nice way to put it).  He would hide my keys so I couldn't get somewhere on time, and then at the last second, after I'd been looking frantically, they would suddenly "appear" in plain sight somewhere I'd already looked before and he'd just laugh and say, "You're so f*cking blind and stupid. You probably walked past them a thousand times and just didn't seem them.  You'd lose your own head if it wasn't attached.  You are so stupid!"

I really wish I could feel some anger towards him -- I think it would be healthy.  But right now, all I feel is the incredible hurt and betrayal.  And I don't understand how I even survived with my sanity intact (for the most part). 

Some more of my "art" (Caged)