Unspeakable Pain (digital collage)

Remembering (freewrite)

I was having trouble sleeping tonight because I was going back and listening to audio recordings of 3 years ago just before we left my abusive ex-husband.  What WAS I thinking? Talk about a recipe for insomnia . . .

I guess I was doubting myself, yet again ... asking myself "was it really that bad?" ...

God, I wish life made sense ... ever ... and I wish it didn't have to still hurt so much.

I need to cry, but I can't. The tears are right at the edge of my eyes. I can feel them there, searing, stinging, burning, begging to be allowed to fall. But they can't. They won't. Yet.

So many people around the world have suffered and ARE STILL suffering much more than I have/am. What right do I have to complain? None.

It's not even so much the guilt of how I know others have and are suffering worse, it's that I keep questioning why any of this has happened. I suppose I sort of know the answer to that -- my own poor choices when I was young and stupid led to this. So, in a sense, I have no one but myself to blame. I chose to date him.  I chose to sleep with him.  I chose to bear his child.  I chose to marry him.  I chose to stay with him.

But then sometimes I look at my children, and I see them suffering once in awhile, struggling to figure out the difference between "good daddy" and "bad daddy." I see them struggling with questions they can't answer ... and I don't have the answers either. And then I think, "Lord, it isn't fair. They have done nothing to deserve this. They didn't ask to be born into this nightmare. They are innocent. Punish me, if you must, but they've been through enough already."

The tears begin to silently overflow. I can envision him over me, pinning me down, sneering at me, saying: "Quit your crying. What do you have to cry about? Oh, that's right. You're a horrible worthless mother. Piece of shit -- MY piece of shit."

And I tried so hard not to cry. I really tried. Most times I didn't cry. The physical pain I could deal with. But his words cut so deep, and those words I couldn't escape. I FELT like a worthless mother. After all, what kind of a mother cowers in fear and can't keep the house tidy and running smoothly? What kind of a mother gets so distracted that she can't keep track of simple things like which days which kids have gym class and need to pack shorts? What kind of a mother can't potty train her children? What kind of mother can't keep up with the laundry and dishes? A horrible, worthless mother.

But I love my children & they always knew that. And everything I did, I did for them. And when I cried, it wasn't for me, it was for THEM ... For the mother they should have had, for the home they should have had, For the LIFE they should have had...

But I was too weak. And I was too scared. So I just rolled over and took it, because it's the only thing I knew to do. And when I cried, I heard:

"Enough with the crying. You're always so dramatic. How am I supposed to enjoy myself with you crying like that? Roll over so at least I don't have to look at your ugly fucking face. And if you gotta cry, for crissakes keep it to yourself. Shut the fuck up, I'm almost done and then you can have your fucking pity party."

What is WRONG with me? Why would I have thought so little of myself as a human being that I would have given him the keys to my soul just because he said I was smart and beautiful? Did I really need to hear that so much that I was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING to be with him? And how could I have let myself get so beaten down emotionally & spiritually that I let it continue for so many years & simply accepted it as "God's will?"

I told myself if only I was a better wife, if only I was a better mother, things would be different. I've read back through my prayer journals, and over the years the same phrases are repeated again and again:

-Lord, help me be a better wife.
-Lord, help me be a better housekeeper.
-Lord, help me be a better mother.

Did I honestly think that if I magically became the perfect woman, that everything would be okay? How could I have let him brainwash me like that? How could I have absorbed HIS reality and made it my own ... to the point where he didn't have to put me down because I put myself down?
 
I know I have worth because I am a child of God. But right about now, I don't feel very worthy of anything. I can look back & see how far the Lord has brought us over the last 3 years, and I thank Him & praise Him for that, but I can't even accept compliments or simple words of encouragement without awkwardly minimizing them or explaining them away ...

I'm so exhausted and longing for rest. And I "hear" my Savior say, "cast your burdens on me."
So for tonight, I'll try to do that ... Thank you, Jesus!

Replacing Self-Defeating Statements with Positive Affirmations

Over the years, as a result of being in an abusive relationship, I've adopted many "beliefs" that now serve no purpose.  In fact, some of these beliefs are actually harmful and crippling.  I know that as part of my healing process I will need to change these beliefs into more positive ones.  For now, though, I'll just list them as a way of acknowledging how twisted my belief system has become as a result of the trauma.  Then, I will ATTEMPT to rewrite the old beliefs as a new list of positive affirmations.   Here goes!

My Self-Defeating Statements:

• I cannot take risks. If I do, something bad will happen for sure.
• I should not be seen or heard. I need my thoughts and feelings to myself.
• I am invisible. Nobody knows what I'm going through.
• It's okay to do things I don't want to do if it will keep worse things from happening.
• Other people are better than I am.
• I am a bad person and deserve to be punished.
• I must be perfect.
• I am a disappointment to my parents, my children, God, and myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are not of value to anyone.
• If something goes wrong, it is my fault.
• I don't deserve to be happy.
• I am not worth loving; nobody could possibly love me now.
• I am weak and worthless.

My Positive Affirmations:

• It is okay to take some risks.  I can ask people that I trust to advise me about which risks are worth taking. 
• My thoughts and feelings are important and I shouldn't be afraid to express how I feel in appropriate circumstances. 
• There are people who know what I am going through and care about me.
• It's okay for me to refuse to do things I don't want to do.
• I am no better or worse than anybody else.
• I don't need to be perfect.
• My parents, my children, and God are proud of me.  I  am proud of myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are important.
• If something goes wrong, it is not necessarily my fault.
• I deserve to be happy.
• I am a lovable human being.
• I am stronger than I give myself credit for being.
• I am a child of God and therefore have worth.

There . . . that wasn't so hard to WRITE . . . now I just have to work on BELIEVING what I've written . . . something tells me that will be a bit more difficult.  However, I am determined not to stayed "stuck" in the cycle of negative thinking and feeling.  I will break free . . . maybe not today or tomorrow, but each day I can move closer and closer toward a more positive way of thinking and feeling. 

Lord, Hold Me (Sonnet)

Lord, you've brought me this far, so now I trust
That You'll carry me the rest of the way.
I'm trying so hard to do what I must
To make it through each dreary, weary day.
I don't want to fail You now by falling,
But some days it's ever so hard to stand.
So now on Your Holy Name I'm calling,
Begging You to steady me with Your hand.
I need Your power now more than ever,
For the gates of hell rattle, oh so loud.
Did I think I'd make it this far? Never.
Yet I'm ashamed and anything but proud.
Lord, hold me in Your precious arms tonight,
And help me not to give up on this fight.

Unworthy (sonnet)

I know I don't deserve for You to hear
My prayers, oh Lord, or give a second thought
To my complaining words or raining tears.
Some may say I'm beautiful, but I'm not.
My past is ugly as the sin I've borne,
It comforts not that You are forgiving.
I try to let it go, but still I mourn
For those that died and those that are living.
Is there an end to this eternal ache?
A mother's heart can only take so much
Before it crumbles and begins to break
From all the worrying and stress and such.
Unworthy though I am, I come to You.
Please give me strength so I can make it through.

Me as a Milk Cow

This is me about 5 years ago.  My husband would stand and moo at me and tell me what a good milk cow I was.  He made me milk out breast milk to put in his coffee every morning.  My children would be in the room at the time.  What saddens me the most is that it didn't seem to phase them a bit.  I guess they thought it was "normal" or something?  I never realized how sick he was until I got out of the relationship.  Over the years, he just wore me down, told me I was crazy, that I was imagining things, that he "owned me" and that as a "good wife" I was to "submit and obey." 

Truthfully, I think it would have hurt less if he would have hit me as opposed to the constant mind f*cks (no other nice way to put it).  He would hide my keys so I couldn't get somewhere on time, and then at the last second, after I'd been looking frantically, they would suddenly "appear" in plain sight somewhere I'd already looked before and he'd just laugh and say, "You're so f*cking blind and stupid. You probably walked past them a thousand times and just didn't seem them.  You'd lose your own head if it wasn't attached.  You are so stupid!"

I really wish I could feel some anger towards him -- I think it would be healthy.  But right now, all I feel is the incredible hurt and betrayal.  And I don't understand how I even survived with my sanity intact (for the most part). 

My Private Hell (Acrostic Sonnet)

Can water flowing to the sea be still?
Are birds in flight allowed to take a rest?
Neither shall I of torment have my fill
Til every woe of mine with blood is blessed.
So many years with crimson I've shut out
The demons all around that had no name.
Obeying rules I didn't know about,
Put under some odd spell, I drowned in shame.
More comforting than Mother's loving kiss,
Yet somehow still as poison to my soul.
Surrender to the call, while knowing this,
Each healing wound is far beyond control.
Let no one enter in my private Hell,
For I have hidden all the scars too well.