Who Am I? (poem)

Sometimes I feel like a frightened child.
Sometimes it's more like a teenager running wild.
Other times I don't know what to think about who I am
And what I am.
I don't know what to do with my life.
Am I supposed to work?
Go to school?
Be someone's wife?
I really don't know what to do.
I honestly wish that I knew.

CELEBRATE EVERYTHING! (photo and poem)

You didn't win --

I just wanted you to know.

I'm holding my own

In this one-woman show.

I used to  always shudder 

Every time I thought of you.

Running from the pain

Was the only way to get through.

But today I thought of you

And a smile crossed my face

You see, you're not my problem anymore

You're in some other place.

I am safe.

I am free.

I am learning to be whole again.

I am learning to be me.

I'm raising our children,

All by myself.

You'd be amazed by their pictures

Featured up on the shelf.

They're getting good grades,

And they love to ride the bus.

There's very little left

Of the nightmares you gave us.

Oh sure, now and then

A horrible memory slips through,

But we always try to remind

Ourselves that that was years ago

In another place and time.

So no I smile through the pain,

Putting the pieces together again.

Working on letting go of shame.

Wishing I had changed my name.

But on I go, my head held high.

I did my best. I really tried.

And here's the best part --

No one died!

You don't need a birthday to party,

And you don't need sunshine to sing, 

You don't need a reason to be happy.

You can celebrate anything!

Just hold on til tomorrow (poem?)

I “accidentally” cut my middle finger on a broken glass
Just to spite his fucking, sorry ass.
Just one last way to finally say, "Fuck you
For all the shit you put me through!"

But it wasn’t deep enough.

It didn’t bleed enough.

I guess I have lost my touch.

I burnt myself with a cigarette,
But still can't begin to forget.
All the fucking shit he did
And the fucking pain he caused.
And the wreck of a mother
And the fucking whore I was.

It was never what I wanted --
It wasn't “me” at all.
But I've taken the fucking blame,
And I've taken the fucking fall.

I took 4 hands full of pills,
Just how many, I don't know.
So down the rabbit hole I go.
I don't want to die,

That’s for sure . . .
I know life is too precious . . .

I just want to be a in a blur.

And, for once in my life,
I would LOVE to get some sleep.
I just want these memories to
Go away and let me rest in peace.

I even used the telephone.
I called the fucking crisis line,
And talked to Senor Psychobabble.
He said take a hot shower
And drink a glass of milk . . .
Like that will fucking help.

I don't know what I need.
I really feel the need to bleed.
But that’s not an option I’m willing to face.

I have enough scars to be a disgrace.

Just cigarette burns, maybe,

And perhaps that will finally teach me

To stop blabbing my fucking mouth

About things that nobody has any business knowing.

Places I have no business going.

I can feel the hatred in my growing,

But, that's just how I feel right now.

Tomorrow will be different.

I have children that I love,

And there's a God above

Who cares for me.

I just have to hold on til tomorrow.

Just hold on til tomorrow.

Never Be the Same (poem)

From the moment that we met, I ceased to live.

I lost myself somewhere in who you were.

I gave you all of me that I could give,

But who or what did I become? I'm still not sure.

I did EVERYTHING that you told me to do.

If you told me to go, that's where I went.

My feelings didn't matter, and I knew

That if I even I even slightly disobeyed you,

You’d rain down bloody hell

Until not a single soul could tell what was left of me.

That’s what you had always so proudly said --

That no one would even recognize me once I was dead.

So, I learned that early on -- that there was no escape.

That black was orange, your sky was green,

And “come with me,” just meant more rape.

Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.

I gave up even feeling; my soul died.

Each time you’d drag me off to another bed,

I’d find a spot inside my head and hide.

I was little more than a child when you came.

I know that I will NEVER be the same.

That was a long time ago, wasn't it?

Illustration by Robert P. Hernandez

 

That was decades ago, wasn't it,

When I learned that fear was my friend?

That was many, many moons ago, wasn't it,

When my hopes and dreams found their end?

That was an eternity ago, wasn't it,

When I couldn't tell a soul the naked truth?

That was forever ago, wasn't it,

When I struggled just to evade that wicked brute?

That was a coon’s age away, wasn't it,

When I couldn't didn’t dare to cry, or scream, or howl?

That was a long time ago, wasn't it,

When I gave up and threw in the towel?

That was eons ago, wasn't it,

When I begged to die, but knew I somehow woudn’t?

That was quite a while ago, wasn't it,

When I stopped keeping track because I couldn't?

That was a lifetime ago, wasn't it,

When I found a way to put the secrets in a box,

And hide them away for later years of regretting?

That was YEARS and YEARS ago, wasn't it,

When I knew that mere survival meant forgetting.

I am so different now, aren't I?

I tell myself I am, so I must be.

But what if I am not as different

As I tell myself I am?

What if I have only learned to shut it off?

The screams I could not scream,

The tears I could not cry,

The rage I could not express,

The darkness I could not explain,

The beginnings I could not prevent,

And the ends I could never understand.

 

You Fucking Son of a Bitch (poem? rant?)

If charges had been filed
For all the things you've done,
You'd be rotting in jail
For the rest of your life.
You are kind of cute,
And I'm sure some big brute
Would fuck you up the ass just for fun.

Felony assault and battery.
That's exactly what you did to me.
Pots and pans across the head.
Shoved and kicked until I bled.
Wishing I could just be dead.
But you got away with it.

Criminal sexual contact.
Vaginal and anal rape, to be exact.

Forcible penetration with foreign objects.
That was how you got your kicks.

Domestic violence.
You hit and kicked me whenever you got the chance.
You told me how high to jump and when to dance.
You threw me against the wall.
Down the stairs, you made me fall.
You took away my very soul.
And left me feeling like I had a hole
In the middle of who I was.
That's what domestic violence does.

Harassment and stalking.
You watched me walking,
You watched me driving.
You watched me pee.
You watched all of me.


Psychological manipulation.
That was your favorite vocation.
You were hell bent
On destroying my sanity.
Hiding things and moving things.
Turning things on and off,
Just for spite --
And you got some delight
From making me think
I was losing my mind.
You were gas lighting me,
From dawn til dusk, incessantly.

Assault with a deadly weapon.
The injuries you caused
Left me a bloody mess.
You'd claim that you were sorry,
But you never would confess
What you had done
To anyone. Not even me.

Human trafficking.
You made me a whore.
What was that for?
So you could get more cash?
Or did you like the idea
Of someone else up my ass?

False imprisonment.
All the years I spent
In a world that you controlled.
Completely.
With no way out.

Felony theft.
You stole my belongings
Til there was nothing left.
You bastard!
Rot in hell!

Aggravated Assault.
You always said it was my fault.
When you left me black and blue.
There's a special place in hell
That's just for you.

Child Abuse and Neglect.
You made it happen.
You were the cause.
I am not to blame.
No matter what you say.

Disturbing the peace.
Running around the neighborhood.
Never up to any good.
Pissing in mailboxes.

Indecent Exposure.
You whipped your dick out in a diner.
Nothing could have been finer.
The madness never stopped.
Not even after a night in jail.
Any effort to get through to you
Was an epic fail.

Extortion and blackmail.
You took the cash that I earned
Under threat that my children
Would be harmed
If I held back any money,
It wasn't the least bit funny.

Identity theft.
You opened up credit cards in my name.
And charged them to the max.
You fucking pain in the ass.

Perjury.
You lied your ass off on the stand.
Told the judge you were an upright man.
That you wife was simply nuts,
Guess you didn't have the guts
To face the truth.

There is so much more

That they could have charged you for.

How you're still running around "free"

Is a mystery to me.

The judge said there wasn't enough evidence.

That maybe if I had come forward sooner . . .

But the evidence was destroyed (most of it by you).

But there's one thing you forgot to destroy.

ME!

I am here and I'm alive.

I endured and I survived.

You didn't break me to the core.

That's what faith and hope are for.

I never gave up that I'd someday I’d get away.

And that somehow there'd be a judgment day.

For you and what you put us through.

I do believe that day is near

When you will have to face your fear

And answer for the things you've done

In front of God and everyone.

So just be thankful

You haven't been served

That you haven't yet gotten

What you deserve.

You fucking son of a bitch!