Never Be the Same (poem)

From the moment that we met, I ceased to live.

I lost myself somewhere in who you were.

I gave you all of me that I could give,

But who or what did I become? I'm still not sure.

I did EVERYTHING that you told me to do.

If you told me to go, that's where I went.

My feelings didn't matter, and I knew

That if I even I even slightly disobeyed you,

You’d rain down bloody hell

Until not a single soul could tell what was left of me.

That’s what you had always so proudly said --

That no one would even recognize me once I was dead.

So, I learned that early on -- that there was no escape.

That black was orange, your sky was green,

And “come with me,” just meant more rape.

Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.

I gave up even feeling; my soul died.

Each time you’d drag me off to another bed,

I’d find a spot inside my head and hide.

I was little more than a child when you came.

I know that I will NEVER be the same.

Ticking Time Bomb (digital collage)

Sadness (collage)

How Do I Hate Him? (sonnet)

(yes this is after the style of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet)

How do I hate him? Let me count the ways.
I hate him for making me change my plans.
I hate him for all his rude demands.
I hate him for ruining the best of days.
By day the mem'ries, the nightmares at dark
Flow through my being like river to sea.
I hate him for putting this fear in me.
I hate him for breaking my only heart.
I hate him, truly, as time goes on by,
I can find no reason to forgive him.
He tortured me at his every whim,
Without needing a single reason why.
I hate him for making my future grim.
I hate him for making my spirit cry.

It's Getting Old (sonnet)

How do I shake off this melancholy
And find just a little motivation?
Why can't I be the one I wish to be?
Instead I'm stuck here trapped in frustration.
Responsibility hangs like a noose
Around my neck; just waiting for the drop.
If only I could cut the burdens loose
And find a way to make the sadness stop.
I know God says to cast our cares on Him,
But I've been casting and casting away,
And still it seems there's muck that I'm stuck in.
It doesn't seem to change from day to day.
Why can't I break free from this dark gray sky?
It's getting old when all I do is cry.

If Only For Today (sonnet)

Warming my soul with a glass of champagne,
I float away to a land of sweet peace. 
Drowing the memories, drowing the pain,
Finding a small way to find some release.
Is it very wrong to not want to feel?
Is it so horrible to run away?
Is it so bad to wish it weren't real?
Is it a crime to "numb away" the day?
I know it's the past, I know that it's done --
I know it is not still happening now.
I know that I am not the only one
Who has been tortured like this, but somehow
I wish I could just make it go away.
And so I shall, if only for today.

Never Be the Same (sonnet)

From the moment we met, I ceased to live.
My self became a shadow with no voice.
I gave you all of me that I could give.
You never even gave me one small choice.
I soon stopped even thinking for myself --
My thoughts didn't really matter at all.
It was your way or the highway, or else . . .
Either way, I was up against a wall.
Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.
I gave up even feeling what you did.
Each time you drug me off to go to bed,
I found a spot inside my head and hid.
A child was all I was before you came.
I know that I will never be the same.

Candy Land (sonnet)

So we're back to the game of Candy Land,
We're not stuck in the Lollipop Forest
Like we had been for weeks and weeks on end,
But in the Molasses Swamp now we "rest."
I don't know how many "turns" we'll spend here,
Perhaps we'll have to go back to the start.
I don't know how I'll dry up all my tears,
Or explain to my children's broken hearts.
How is it that this injustice can be?
How am I to deal with this load of pain?
Just when I thought life was setting us free,
My hopes were squashed completely flat again.
I don't know how much more pain I can take
Before I stop bending and fin'lly break.

The Storm's Increased (sonnet)

I saw a lighthouse drawing me to shore,
A beacon of hope lit my shadowed path.
Distraught, I prayed in anguish to the Lord,
"Please let this storm I'm fighting be the last."
The thunder raged about me 'round the clock,
The waves came up and over on the deck.
I felt my ship pulled near the jagged rocks,
Yet still I clung to hope and craned my neck --
Yearning for a glimpse of the distant shore,
Longing to be rescued from all the pain,
Buffeted by gales I couldn't ignore,
Drowning in bucketfulls of pouring rain.
Just when I thought I'd find a resting place,
The storm's increased and trashed my flimsy faith.

Two Whole Hours (sonnet)

For two whole hours, I felt alive again,
Just to see my children smile, laugh and play.
I hadn't laughed like that since who knows when,
But now the melancholy's here to stay.
God, help me, I can't hold on much longer,
Each time I say goodbye, my heart breaks more.
I swear, I don't need to be much stronger,
Are you even watching or keeping score?
I'm trying to hold onto the joy, but
It slips from my hands each time they must go.   
And I'm left wondering exactly what
I will do as the days crawl by so slow.  
God, why can't anybody seem to see
That being without them is killing me?