Just hold on til tomorrow (poem?)

I “accidentally” cut my middle finger on a broken glass
Just to spite his fucking, sorry ass.
Just one last way to finally say, "Fuck you
For all the shit you put me through!"

But it wasn’t deep enough.

It didn’t bleed enough.

I guess I have lost my touch.

I burnt myself with a cigarette,
But still can't begin to forget.
All the fucking shit he did
And the fucking pain he caused.
And the wreck of a mother
And the fucking whore I was.

It was never what I wanted --
It wasn't “me” at all.
But I've taken the fucking blame,
And I've taken the fucking fall.

I took 4 hands full of pills,
Just how many, I don't know.
So down the rabbit hole I go.
I don't want to die,

That’s for sure . . .
I know life is too precious . . .

I just want to be a in a blur.

And, for once in my life,
I would LOVE to get some sleep.
I just want these memories to
Go away and let me rest in peace.

I even used the telephone.
I called the fucking crisis line,
And talked to Senor Psychobabble.
He said take a hot shower
And drink a glass of milk . . .
Like that will fucking help.

I don't know what I need.
I really feel the need to bleed.
But that’s not an option I’m willing to face.

I have enough scars to be a disgrace.

Just cigarette burns, maybe,

And perhaps that will finally teach me

To stop blabbing my fucking mouth

About things that nobody has any business knowing.

Places I have no business going.

I can feel the hatred in my growing,

But, that's just how I feel right now.

Tomorrow will be different.

I have children that I love,

And there's a God above

Who cares for me.

I just have to hold on til tomorrow.

Just hold on til tomorrow.

Replacing Self-Defeating Statements with Positive Affirmations

Over the years, as a result of being in an abusive relationship, I've adopted many "beliefs" that now serve no purpose.  In fact, some of these beliefs are actually harmful and crippling.  I know that as part of my healing process I will need to change these beliefs into more positive ones.  For now, though, I'll just list them as a way of acknowledging how twisted my belief system has become as a result of the trauma.  Then, I will ATTEMPT to rewrite the old beliefs as a new list of positive affirmations.   Here goes!

My Self-Defeating Statements:

• I cannot take risks. If I do, something bad will happen for sure.
• I should not be seen or heard. I need my thoughts and feelings to myself.
• I am invisible. Nobody knows what I'm going through.
• It's okay to do things I don't want to do if it will keep worse things from happening.
• Other people are better than I am.
• I am a bad person and deserve to be punished.
• I must be perfect.
• I am a disappointment to my parents, my children, God, and myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are not of value to anyone.
• If something goes wrong, it is my fault.
• I don't deserve to be happy.
• I am not worth loving; nobody could possibly love me now.
• I am weak and worthless.

My Positive Affirmations:

• It is okay to take some risks.  I can ask people that I trust to advise me about which risks are worth taking. 
• My thoughts and feelings are important and I shouldn't be afraid to express how I feel in appropriate circumstances. 
• There are people who know what I am going through and care about me.
• It's okay for me to refuse to do things I don't want to do.
• I am no better or worse than anybody else.
• I don't need to be perfect.
• My parents, my children, and God are proud of me.  I  am proud of myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are important.
• If something goes wrong, it is not necessarily my fault.
• I deserve to be happy.
• I am a lovable human being.
• I am stronger than I give myself credit for being.
• I am a child of God and therefore have worth.

There . . . that wasn't so hard to WRITE . . . now I just have to work on BELIEVING what I've written . . . something tells me that will be a bit more difficult.  However, I am determined not to stayed "stuck" in the cycle of negative thinking and feeling.  I will break free . . . maybe not today or tomorrow, but each day I can move closer and closer toward a more positive way of thinking and feeling.