Remembering (freewrite)

I was having trouble sleeping tonight because I was going back and listening to audio recordings of 3 years ago just before we left my abusive ex-husband.  What WAS I thinking? Talk about a recipe for insomnia . . .

I guess I was doubting myself, yet again ... asking myself "was it really that bad?" ...

God, I wish life made sense ... ever ... and I wish it didn't have to still hurt so much.

I need to cry, but I can't. The tears are right at the edge of my eyes. I can feel them there, searing, stinging, burning, begging to be allowed to fall. But they can't. They won't. Yet.

So many people around the world have suffered and ARE STILL suffering much more than I have/am. What right do I have to complain? None.

It's not even so much the guilt of how I know others have and are suffering worse, it's that I keep questioning why any of this has happened. I suppose I sort of know the answer to that -- my own poor choices when I was young and stupid led to this. So, in a sense, I have no one but myself to blame. I chose to date him.  I chose to sleep with him.  I chose to bear his child.  I chose to marry him.  I chose to stay with him.

But then sometimes I look at my children, and I see them suffering once in awhile, struggling to figure out the difference between "good daddy" and "bad daddy." I see them struggling with questions they can't answer ... and I don't have the answers either. And then I think, "Lord, it isn't fair. They have done nothing to deserve this. They didn't ask to be born into this nightmare. They are innocent. Punish me, if you must, but they've been through enough already."

The tears begin to silently overflow. I can envision him over me, pinning me down, sneering at me, saying: "Quit your crying. What do you have to cry about? Oh, that's right. You're a horrible worthless mother. Piece of shit -- MY piece of shit."

And I tried so hard not to cry. I really tried. Most times I didn't cry. The physical pain I could deal with. But his words cut so deep, and those words I couldn't escape. I FELT like a worthless mother. After all, what kind of a mother cowers in fear and can't keep the house tidy and running smoothly? What kind of a mother gets so distracted that she can't keep track of simple things like which days which kids have gym class and need to pack shorts? What kind of a mother can't potty train her children? What kind of mother can't keep up with the laundry and dishes? A horrible, worthless mother.

But I love my children & they always knew that. And everything I did, I did for them. And when I cried, it wasn't for me, it was for THEM ... For the mother they should have had, for the home they should have had, For the LIFE they should have had...

But I was too weak. And I was too scared. So I just rolled over and took it, because it's the only thing I knew to do. And when I cried, I heard:

"Enough with the crying. You're always so dramatic. How am I supposed to enjoy myself with you crying like that? Roll over so at least I don't have to look at your ugly fucking face. And if you gotta cry, for crissakes keep it to yourself. Shut the fuck up, I'm almost done and then you can have your fucking pity party."

What is WRONG with me? Why would I have thought so little of myself as a human being that I would have given him the keys to my soul just because he said I was smart and beautiful? Did I really need to hear that so much that I was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING to be with him? And how could I have let myself get so beaten down emotionally & spiritually that I let it continue for so many years & simply accepted it as "God's will?"

I told myself if only I was a better wife, if only I was a better mother, things would be different. I've read back through my prayer journals, and over the years the same phrases are repeated again and again:

-Lord, help me be a better wife.
-Lord, help me be a better housekeeper.
-Lord, help me be a better mother.

Did I honestly think that if I magically became the perfect woman, that everything would be okay? How could I have let him brainwash me like that? How could I have absorbed HIS reality and made it my own ... to the point where he didn't have to put me down because I put myself down?
 
I know I have worth because I am a child of God. But right about now, I don't feel very worthy of anything. I can look back & see how far the Lord has brought us over the last 3 years, and I thank Him & praise Him for that, but I can't even accept compliments or simple words of encouragement without awkwardly minimizing them or explaining them away ...

I'm so exhausted and longing for rest. And I "hear" my Savior say, "cast your burdens on me."
So for tonight, I'll try to do that ... Thank you, Jesus!

Forgive and Forget? (freewrite)

Several years ago, shortly after I had left my ex-husband, one of his family members called me on the phone and asked a series of 'interesting' questions.  Apparently, he was trying to "set me straight" or perhaps appeal to my spirituality in hopes that I would back down on my resolve to leave the abusive relationship (although I cannot, for the life of me, understand how ANY "real" Christian would encourage someone to stay in an abusive relationship).

His questions were:

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1. Are you a Christian? Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Savior?
2. Do you even understand what forgiveness is? If you believe that God forgives us of our sins and remembers them no more, why can't you do the same? Why can't you just let this go?
3. How can you DO this to us? Don't you realize what this is doing to us? We're all hurting, and only YOU can clear this whole thing up and 'make it go away.' (Apparently, the 'us' and 'we' referred to my husband, his siblings, his father, his extended family, the neighbors, family friends, acquaintances they want to impress, the mailman, and God knows who else. From this person's communication with me, it seemed that he believed that I was primarily to blame for the entire situation and could somehow have simply waved a magic wand and miraculously 'poofed' it all away. If only I had that kind of power!)

I responded to the 'interrogation' as patiently as I felt that I could. I explained that I have indeed asked Jesus Christ to be the Lord of my life -- and that I am eternally grateful for His grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Furthermore, I expressed to this individual that I HAVE forgiven my husband many, many times over and that I am doing my best to TRY to forget the ways he has hurt the children and I with his words and actions.

The conversation continued. I was informed that my husband was "losing it" emotionally and drinking heavily because credit card companies keep calling him trying to collect money that I owe them. I was asked how I had managed to accumulate more debt than I could repay. I endeavored to explain that I had stayed current on all my bills up until several months prior (when I had spent my entire savings + credit card advance on bus tickets for the kids and I to try to leave my husband by travelling clear across the country to be nearer my family.   That's another long story I'll get into perhaps one day).

I was soooo tempted to elaborate on why I had accumulated so much debt -- to explain the reason I had resorted to credit cards, but I realized it was pointless when I began to receive a lengthy lecture about 'not buying something you can't pay for' -- apparently this person expected me not to buy ANYTHING then.

My ex-husband had always 'managed' the finances and required me to virtually 'beg' to be allowed to spend any of 'his' money. Consequently, when I discovered that I could apply for credit in my own name, I did so. If the kids needed uniforms for school, glasses, medicine, etc. I simply charged it. It felt good not to have to tell the kids, "No, we can't buy ice cream. Daddy's in a bad mood, so I can't ask him for money today." You see, he had the checking account in HIS NAME ONLY.  I was not allowed to even LOOK at HIS checkbook. 

When the kids were upset, we'd 'hole up' in my bedroom with a container of ice cream. Yup, you guessed it, I charged the groceries too. What else was I supposed to do? It beat having to give him a lap dance or a blow job for grocery money.

Several years earlier, I had taken a $1500 cash advance on one credit card to buy a full-size van in MY NAME so that if we had to leave in a hurry, I could pack a few of the kids' things and we could 'camp' in the van until I found a place to go (not a well thought out plan, I realize, but I wasn't aware of any other options at that point).

Truthfully, it really shouldn't have MATTERED if I was $50,000 in the hole (not that it matters, but wasn't even CLOSE to that much, by the way). What I mean by saying that it shouldn't have mattered is that my level of debt was not a valid excuse for him to lose touch with reality and spiral out of control with his drinking.

I should perhaps point out that every PENNY of this 'debt' was accrued on MY personal credit cards and in no way impacted HIS credit rating (our finances had never been 'married' & we'd never had ANY joint accounts EVER. Besides, never ONCE had I indicated that I EVER expected him to pay for a dime of MY debt. So you see, as far as HE was concerned, my debts really SHOULD NOT have mattered. I had never spent 'his' money without his permission or expected him to 'help me' repay my bills (although, to be fair, there were a few times he paid off some of my debt -- but I hadn't ask him to.  If he did pay off any of my debt, he then would proceed to "hold it over my head" and expect extra sexual favors as "repayment").

Just for the the sake of curiosity, I added up how much my husband had spent on cigarettes and booze since we had been together and a CONSERVATIVE estimate is $70-80,000. But I don't hear ANYBODY telling HIM that he has been a poor manager of money. Heavens no, but since *I* charged groceries or gas or clothes because he wasn't working AGAIN, that makes *ME* an EVIL person that's somehow completely responsible for his current mental 'meltdown.' Give me a break .........

I had listened to this person's verbal vomit for as long as I could possibly stand it. He had gone on and on about how the family 'loves me and the kids so much' and how they hoped that soon I will 'come to my senses and stop this legal nonsense.'

THANK GOD someone had come to their door and interrupted them, or who knows how much more I might have had to listen to. Yes, I could have hung up. But that wouldn't have been the 'Christian' thing to do, would it have? LOL ..... and seeing as his family ALREADY seemed to think I was the spawn of Satan, I didn't need to go out of my way to tick them off.

(Lord, forgive me for spitting all that out like that. I'm human, though. And it hurts, Lord -- to have everything you say & do questioned, scrutinized, and judged (often without any factual basis). Humble me, Father. Remind me that but for Your grace, I would be no different.)

I've been wondering how I might have handled the phone call differently -- and whether or not it would have mattered one way or the other. I tried to think of how to put into words what seems so CLEAR to me -- the fact that I have forgiven my husband does NOT mean that I am willing to overlook the things he has said & done (and, sadly, in some cases CONTINUES to say & do). Neither do I think that it is right for me to interfere with the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of his actions. I REFUSED to enable him any longer, to make excuses for him, or to feel GUILTY for doing what I believed was right.
I simply was NOT WILLING to place myself or the children in a situation where there was a potential for further abuse. Why was that so hard for him and his family to grasp?

Today I read through most of Charles Spurgeon's book "All of Grace."

One word -- WOW! Especially chapter 15, entitled:

Repentance Must Go With Forgiveness.

Here is a short bit:
"If the Lord were to say, "You love sin, and live in it, and you are going from bad to worse, but, all the same, I forgive you," this would proclaim a horrible license for iniquity ... So long as God lives, there can be no promise of mercy to those who continue in their evil ways, and refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoing. Repentance ... is a change of mind of the most thorough and radical sort, and it is attended with sorrow for the past, and a resolve of amendment in the future.

Repentance is to leave
The sins we loved before;
And show that we in earnest grieve,
By doing so no more. "
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Did I happen to say WOW? Nobody says it quite like Spurgeon. I realize that he's speaking of God's forgiveness of OUR sins going hand in hand with OUR Repentance. However, it only stands to reason that the same basic principle should apply in our relationships with others.

My forgiveness of another may not necessarily REQUIRE his/her acknowledgement of wrongdoing, but it would sure be HELPFUL. And it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that I shouldn't be asked repeatedly to 'just forget' the wrong that others have done IF THEY AREN'T EVEN WILLING TO ADMIT that they've done anything wrong and show no apparent remorse. Furthermore, I don't believe it's fair for me to be asked over & over again to 'just forgive' them if they choose to CONTINUE their behavior with no indication of real change having taken place over an extended period of time (empty words and promises mean NOTHING to me; and ANYBODY can 'straighten up' for a few weeks).

I am willing to forgive ... in the limited sense that I choose not to allow bitterness to eat me up from the inside out. I have turned the results/consequences for others' choices over to the Lord and I refuse to hold a grudge.

BUT ... Don't ask me to just 'forget about it.' I cannot, and I will not.

Someday we will ALL have to stand before the throne and answer to Almighty God ... I can't answer for anyone else. I can't see their hearts or read their minds. I have enough to worry about keeping MYSELF 'in line.' Each and every day, I fall on my knees at the foot of the cross and praise God for his abundant grace and forgiveness and pray earnestly that He will continue the work that He's begun in my life.

Replacing Self-Defeating Statements with Positive Affirmations

Over the years, as a result of being in an abusive relationship, I've adopted many "beliefs" that now serve no purpose.  In fact, some of these beliefs are actually harmful and crippling.  I know that as part of my healing process I will need to change these beliefs into more positive ones.  For now, though, I'll just list them as a way of acknowledging how twisted my belief system has become as a result of the trauma.  Then, I will ATTEMPT to rewrite the old beliefs as a new list of positive affirmations.   Here goes!

My Self-Defeating Statements:

• I cannot take risks. If I do, something bad will happen for sure.
• I should not be seen or heard. I need my thoughts and feelings to myself.
• I am invisible. Nobody knows what I'm going through.
• It's okay to do things I don't want to do if it will keep worse things from happening.
• Other people are better than I am.
• I am a bad person and deserve to be punished.
• I must be perfect.
• I am a disappointment to my parents, my children, God, and myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are not of value to anyone.
• If something goes wrong, it is my fault.
• I don't deserve to be happy.
• I am not worth loving; nobody could possibly love me now.
• I am weak and worthless.

My Positive Affirmations:

• It is okay to take some risks.  I can ask people that I trust to advise me about which risks are worth taking. 
• My thoughts and feelings are important and I shouldn't be afraid to express how I feel in appropriate circumstances. 
• There are people who know what I am going through and care about me.
• It's okay for me to refuse to do things I don't want to do.
• I am no better or worse than anybody else.
• I don't need to be perfect.
• My parents, my children, and God are proud of me.  I  am proud of myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are important.
• If something goes wrong, it is not necessarily my fault.
• I deserve to be happy.
• I am a lovable human being.
• I am stronger than I give myself credit for being.
• I am a child of God and therefore have worth.

There . . . that wasn't so hard to WRITE . . . now I just have to work on BELIEVING what I've written . . . something tells me that will be a bit more difficult.  However, I am determined not to stayed "stuck" in the cycle of negative thinking and feeling.  I will break free . . . maybe not today or tomorrow, but each day I can move closer and closer toward a more positive way of thinking and feeling.