Intimacy After an Abusive Relationship

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be physically intimate with another man after my abusive relationship.  I was just sure that if my new boyfriend even TOUCHED me that I'd be triggered and have a panic attack.  But he's been very patient, gentle, and respectful, and things are going great.

I think the key to successful physical intimacy after an abusive relationship is openness, honestly, and respect.  If you inform your partner about your potential triggers and explain to them how these types of things make you feel, then he or she can be careful to avoid those types of activities. 

I'm thankful that my new boyfriend has been patient with me and has allowed me to control the level of physical intimacy.  I highly suggest that anyone who's starting a new relationship with someone after a previously abusive relationship make it a high priority to seek out someone who has a great deal of patience and respect.  Those two things are key. 

Red flags that a new partner may exhibit that would warn you to get out of the relationship:

• Wanting to be with you constantly and not allowing you to have any "alone" time.
• Wanting to know where you are and what you are doing at all times (i.e. texting and calling you constantly to check up on you). 
• Having strange fetishes or odd sexual demands (i.e. wanting a threesome or insisting that you role play in a way that makes you uncomfortable)
• Constantly comparing you to prior partners and/or constantly talking about prior relationships.
• Pressuring you to become more intimate than you want to be, sooner than you want to, or more often than you want to
• Moving the relationship along too quickly (i.e. seriously discussing marriage too soon, etc)
• Being jealous of other friends that you may have
• Asking you lots of questions about your past but not being willing to talk about his/her past
• Being obsessed with his/her appearance and/or your appearance

There are others, of course, but those are a few warning signs to look for.  Luckily, so far, my new boyfriend has been very respectful of the boundaries I've set up and hasn't pressured me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with.  Am I in love?  It's too early to tell, but I'm definitely leaning in that direction!

What an "x" is good for (sonnet)

To him it's still a game of cat and mouse,
He wonders what will work to bait the hook.
Well I won't let him back into my house,
Not even for one tiny, little look.
My days of feeling hurt are so long gone,
The childish things he says don't bother me.
There're actually some mem'ries that are fond,
I don't hate him; just wish he'd leave me be.
I have another man who treats me right,
Respects me for the woman that I am,
Who doesn't live to name call, scream, or fight,
Knows how to be a perfect gentleman.
There's only one thing an "x" is good for --
Spelling the word that helps you find the door.

I Found a Way (sonnet)

It used to be I shuddered in the night
Because I knew what was coming my way.
I did my "duty," what I thought was "right,"
You took advantage of that ev'ry day.
You led me to believe I was worthless,
Incapable of ever leaving you.
You said I was an ugly, crazy mess,
That there was nowhere I had to run to.
Well, a mess I may have been, thanks to you,
But I found a way to escape your grip.
I learned there were places I could go to,
We packed up our stuff and started our trip.
You were so sure you had me forever.
When will you have me again? Oh, NEVER!

Have I come this far in vain? (acrostic sonnet)

Some day on heaven's shore, I'll hold the key
That will unlock the meaning of it all.
Until that day, I'll try my best to be
Content to read the writing on the wall.
Keep thinking I should have a clue by now ...

How can so many years have passed me by?
Each time I go back home I feel somehow
Revisiting my youth will tell me why
Each path I walked was diff'rent, yet the same.

Am I condemned this hist'ry to repeat?
God, help me, have I come this far in vain?
Am I forever doomed to face defeat?
I cannot see beyond this awful mess,
No matter how I try, I do confess.

Go Fly a *#@+ Kite (Sonnet; language warning)

(I'm really sorry about the language, but I was extra "pissed off"
when I wrote this sonnet.  Normally I hate the 'F' word
(mostly because it was HIS favorite word), but sometimes
it's the only thing that seems to fit.)

To you, I say, "Go fly a fucking kite!
Go jump off of the highest cliff you know.
I will not let you torment me tonight
Or change my plans because you tell me so.
It's none of your damn bus'ness what I do,
Or where I go, or who I choose to see.
I don't need your permission, so fuck you.
It's time you fucking stopped controlling me.
So throw your fit, if that's what you must do.
Go find another mat to trounce upon.
Your days of putting me through hell are through,
I'm sick of your abuse, and I've moved on.
I do not give a God damn flying fuck
About you now, so you're shit out of luck."