Intimacy After an Abusive Relationship

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be physically intimate with another man after my abusive relationship.  I was just sure that if my new boyfriend even TOUCHED me that I'd be triggered and have a panic attack.  But he's been very patient, gentle, and respectful, and things are going great.

I think the key to successful physical intimacy after an abusive relationship is openness, honestly, and respect.  If you inform your partner about your potential triggers and explain to them how these types of things make you feel, then he or she can be careful to avoid those types of activities. 

I'm thankful that my new boyfriend has been patient with me and has allowed me to control the level of physical intimacy.  I highly suggest that anyone who's starting a new relationship with someone after a previously abusive relationship make it a high priority to seek out someone who has a great deal of patience and respect.  Those two things are key. 

Red flags that a new partner may exhibit that would warn you to get out of the relationship:

• Wanting to be with you constantly and not allowing you to have any "alone" time.
• Wanting to know where you are and what you are doing at all times (i.e. texting and calling you constantly to check up on you). 
• Having strange fetishes or odd sexual demands (i.e. wanting a threesome or insisting that you role play in a way that makes you uncomfortable)
• Constantly comparing you to prior partners and/or constantly talking about prior relationships.
• Pressuring you to become more intimate than you want to be, sooner than you want to, or more often than you want to
• Moving the relationship along too quickly (i.e. seriously discussing marriage too soon, etc)
• Being jealous of other friends that you may have
• Asking you lots of questions about your past but not being willing to talk about his/her past
• Being obsessed with his/her appearance and/or your appearance

There are others, of course, but those are a few warning signs to look for.  Luckily, so far, my new boyfriend has been very respectful of the boundaries I've set up and hasn't pressured me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with.  Am I in love?  It's too early to tell, but I'm definitely leaning in that direction!

Love Sonnet by Pablo Neruda

(Translated from Spanish By Mark Eisner)

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as one loves certain obscure things,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose

from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

Note: I wanted to write a love sonnet, but none that I could write would come close to this.  And it describes how I feel to a 't.'

What an "x" is good for (sonnet)

To him it's still a game of cat and mouse,
He wonders what will work to bait the hook.
Well I won't let him back into my house,
Not even for one tiny, little look.
My days of feeling hurt are so long gone,
The childish things he says don't bother me.
There're actually some mem'ries that are fond,
I don't hate him; just wish he'd leave me be.
I have another man who treats me right,
Respects me for the woman that I am,
Who doesn't live to name call, scream, or fight,
Knows how to be a perfect gentleman.
There's only one thing an "x" is good for --
Spelling the word that helps you find the door.

I'm Not Quitting . . . Yet . . .

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Stuff Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, started supper, and unloaded & reloaded the washing machine ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

Reality Check (article)

I found an old entry that I wrote back when I was still together with my Ex.  I'm just including it here to show how far we've come. I had almost forgotten how unpredictable day-to-day life was living with him, how afraid we all were . . . almost . . . and as I read this, my hair stands on end and all of the old feelings of fear come back up into my throat . . .
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I hear  him coming up the stairs. A chill runs up and down my spine. I never know what to expect. Sometimes he's in a really good mood. Other times he just walks in the door and starts screaming at everyone in sight.

The kids and I walk on eggshells constantly.

I switch away from my email that I had been reading on my computer screen. It was just more reminders from creditors that I cannot pay, but I don't need to give him a reason to accuse me of cheating on him yet again. Every time he catches me online, he says I must be chatting with someone, or looking for a replacement for him. I'm so sick of the endless accusations.

The door to the living room opens. He's been drinking again. I can smell it on his breath.

Immediately upon coming through the door, my husband starts yelling and screaming at me:
"You fucking lazy bitch. How can you just SIT there and let them do this? You worthless fucking whore. And I suppose you're online again flirting with all your boyfriends. Here's a fucking idea -- why don't you get your fat ass up and clean around here? This place is a fucking pigsty! It doesn't even look like human beings live here."

[He stomps into the kitchen, still ranting and raving. The racket wakes up my daughter, so he starts in yelling at her. ]
"Why don't you tell your mother to get up off her lazy ass and do something fucking productive for a change? Oh, but no, that would be too NICE. I spend the money to send her to school and does she get a job? No, she just sits there on her FAT ASS and wastes time all day long. She's a pathetic excuse for a mother. . . . .

[some more mumbling and cursing]

Fucking Pigsty!"

He continues to go on a tirade about how if we would all do thus and such we wouldn't "make" him get so upset; and how HE wanted his life to be, and how we're all "ruining it for him."

I so wish I had a million dollars so I could just pack up and leave him. I want to have a cozy house with a picket fence.

I'm so tired of holding my children while they cry, and hearing them say "Why did you pick HIM to be our Daddy?" and trying to explain to them why life isn't always fair . . . and that I love them so much . . . and that someday things will be different.

I don't know if things will be different . . . or at least I don't know HOW I can change things.

I am so tired of seeing all the "happy families" that seem like they're so perfect and have everything together.

I'm sure they have their secret struggles too, but what I wouldn't give to feel secure and loved . . . to not constantly wonder what he'll say or do NEXT . . .

I feel like I'm drowning . . .

. . . like I'm trapped . . .

. . . and living in a world that nobody else can see . . .

. . . I feel so alone . . .

Sometimes I wonder if I would have had so many prgnancy losses if things would have been different. I cry sometimes at night when nobody's looking. Yet in a way, I'm relieved . . . I feel guilty enough for bringing 3 children into this mess . . . I can't imagine having 6 more precious children live through this hell. Maybe God in his providence took them from me for a reason. But that doesn't fill the aching void or silence the questions . . .

I don't know how . . . I don't know when . . . but I WILL make a better like for us . . . I will NOT raise my children to think that this is how a father treats his family. This ends with me. One way or another.

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(the above entry was written 3 months before the kids and I escaped to a domestic violence shelter)

Replacing Self-Defeating Statements with Positive Affirmations

Over the years, as a result of being in an abusive relationship, I've adopted many "beliefs" that now serve no purpose.  In fact, some of these beliefs are actually harmful and crippling.  I know that as part of my healing process I will need to change these beliefs into more positive ones.  For now, though, I'll just list them as a way of acknowledging how twisted my belief system has become as a result of the trauma.  Then, I will ATTEMPT to rewrite the old beliefs as a new list of positive affirmations.   Here goes!

My Self-Defeating Statements:

• I cannot take risks. If I do, something bad will happen for sure.
• I should not be seen or heard. I need my thoughts and feelings to myself.
• I am invisible. Nobody knows what I'm going through.
• It's okay to do things I don't want to do if it will keep worse things from happening.
• Other people are better than I am.
• I am a bad person and deserve to be punished.
• I must be perfect.
• I am a disappointment to my parents, my children, God, and myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are not of value to anyone.
• If something goes wrong, it is my fault.
• I don't deserve to be happy.
• I am not worth loving; nobody could possibly love me now.
• I am weak and worthless.

My Positive Affirmations:

• It is okay to take some risks.  I can ask people that I trust to advise me about which risks are worth taking. 
• My thoughts and feelings are important and I shouldn't be afraid to express how I feel in appropriate circumstances. 
• There are people who know what I am going through and care about me.
• It's okay for me to refuse to do things I don't want to do.
• I am no better or worse than anybody else.
• I don't need to be perfect.
• My parents, my children, and God are proud of me.  I  am proud of myself.
• My interests, choices, wants, and needs are important.
• If something goes wrong, it is not necessarily my fault.
• I deserve to be happy.
• I am a lovable human being.
• I am stronger than I give myself credit for being.
• I am a child of God and therefore have worth.

There . . . that wasn't so hard to WRITE . . . now I just have to work on BELIEVING what I've written . . . something tells me that will be a bit more difficult.  However, I am determined not to stayed "stuck" in the cycle of negative thinking and feeling.  I will break free . . . maybe not today or tomorrow, but each day I can move closer and closer toward a more positive way of thinking and feeling. 

Remember the Good Times (sonnet)

When you hear a song, remember good times.
When you see a picture, remember smiles.
For there will be days smiles are hard to find,
And the good times only last for awhile.
People you trust may use and abuse you,
People that you love may cause you great pain.
So let the songs and the smiles get you through
Until you finally find love again.
There are some things I would like to forget,
Some memories that haunt me in the night.
I can truly say I have no regrets,
I did what I had to do, what was right.
People can blame me and say I was wrong,
But they didn't live my life all along.

Back on My Feet (sonnet)

BAM! Up against the wall, you slammed my head.
I often prayed that they were just bad dreams.
You just walked away as though I were dead,
Leaving my soul ripped apart at the seams.
You thought you always had the upper hand,
That I would obey you, no matter what.
But there's one thing you didn't understand --
I'm a fighter, and I never give up!
Each time you took something away from me,
I found a way to simply make it through,
And dreamed of the day I'd fin'lly be free.
I never did believe your words were true.
Success is a revenge, so very sweet.
You knocked me down, but I'm back on my feet.

I Found a Way (sonnet)

It used to be I shuddered in the night
Because I knew what was coming my way.
I did my "duty," what I thought was "right,"
You took advantage of that ev'ry day.
You led me to believe I was worthless,
Incapable of ever leaving you.
You said I was an ugly, crazy mess,
That there was nowhere I had to run to.
Well, a mess I may have been, thanks to you,
But I found a way to escape your grip.
I learned there were places I could go to,
We packed up our stuff and started our trip.
You were so sure you had me forever.
When will you have me again? Oh, NEVER!

Almost Gone (sonnet)

Just today, in front of the kitchen sink,
I stood for what seemed like over an hour.
"What is the problem?" I surely did think,
Why am I still giving this man power?
I remembered all the times he hurt me --
He said me washing dishes turned him on.
I cringed when I thought of the agony,
But then I remembered -- the bastard's GONE!
He cannot hurt me like that any more.
He can't trap me alone in my kitchen.
Somehow, I'm not as afraid as before,
Because someone took the time to listen.
I'll wash these plates and then just carry on,
For the hold he had on me's almost gone.

I See Some Light (sonnet)

Ugly demons from the past, running wild,
Tear at the very fibers of my soul.
Although I am grown, I feel like a child,
Trapped alone at the bottom of a hole.
Bags of crap are falling down around me --
The old and new, they scatter on the ground.
I close my eyes so that I will not see
The horror that is piling up around.
Determined not to drown beneath this shit,
I grasp at some roots and begin to climb.
More's raining down, but I just ignore it.
I will not lose this battle of the mind.
I see some light shining down from the top,
And until I reach it, I will not stop.

A Moment to Remember (sonnet)

I pause here a moment to remember
All the babies I never got to hold,
And with a mother's love, warm and tender,
I ponder memories that won't grow cold.
Though they never even had a name,
Though their lungs took nary a single breath,
Yet still I wept and mourned each one the same,
And felt the stinging pain of ev'ry death.
Knowing that a child had grown there within,
One that would never see the light of day;
Knowing its little life would ne'er begin
Caused me pain that will never go away.
As eight balloons float to the skies above,
I pray they'll know they'll always have my love.

To Share, Or Not to Share (sonnet)

To share or not to share, that's the question,
And if I do, the question is, how much?
I sure could use a few good suggestions
On knowing who it is that I can trust.
I know that in the past I've sometimes shared
More info than I should have, probably.
I've opened up my soul and left it bared,
Wide open for all of the world to see.
What happened to letting sleeping dogs lie?
What happened to water under the bridge?
Why can't I let go of the days gone by?
Why do I still care, even just a smidge?
I'm better off keeping things to myself.
There's no use sharing with anyone else.

Leave the Past in the Past (sonnet)

Does what happened yesterday really count?
Does what happened years ago matter much?
If they do, then what's the proper amount
To think about the things that were and such?
It is what it is; I can't change it now,
And would I even want to if I could?
I can't go backwards in time anyhow,
And I'm guessing that is probably good.
Today is a new day, a brand new dawn,
A fresh chance to start my whole life anew.
It's kind of exciting, this trip I'm on,
You never can tell what great things I'll do. 
One thing's for sure, the time has come at last,
I'm learning to leave the past in the past.

I Cut the Darn Strings (sonnet)

"Right arm up, left arm down, and now you dance."
With strings, you held me like a marionette.
Controlled by you, I never had a chance.
What you gave me was all that I could get.
I was your puppet, and you my master,
You chose the music, and you chose the speed.
If I got tired, you made me go faster,
Anything to meet your ev'ry lil need.
Now I've found my strength, I cut the darn strings,
And I dance to the tune in my own heart.
I've found the joy that only freedom brings,
Even though you almost tore me apart.
I may not be too nimble or graceful,
But I'm strong to the end and I'm faithful.

Through the Cracks (sonnet)

Sometimes you have to find a way to grow,

To bloom where you can find a place to be,

To push your way through from way down below,

To find a way to let yourself be free.

It takes a little bit of stubbornness

To persevere when life is at it's worst,

To let your heart believe in openness,

When all you see is hopelessness at first.

Let hope spring up and chase the dark away,

Let faith begin to nibble at your doubt,

Let life renew itself in you today,

And banish ev'ry evil thought without.

Blossom where you're planted, and come what may

You'll find a way to make it through the day!

If I Can Dare to Dream (sonnet)

If I can dare to dream a dream so small,
Though some might think my goals are somewhat strange,
Some might not think this is a dream at all --
My circumstances to be rearranged.
If I can find a way to just hold on
A little while longer, then I just might
Find a small ledge that I can sit upon
Until I find my way through this dark night.
My prayers are not unanswered, this I know,
My heav'nly Father hears each time I cry.
He'll show me down which path I need to go,
And lead me to a safe place, by and by.
If only I can cling to His strong hand,
Someday He'll lead me to the Promised Land.

Mind over Matter (sonnet)

Take a deep breath and learn to let it go.
I can't change it, so why should I give in?
Inhale deeply and then let it out slow.
I refuse to let frustration begin.
I'll shred up paper and make a collage.
I'll take a hot bath and forget this grief.
I could make do with a decent massage,
My suff'ring is limited by belief.
So I will shake off the shawl of sadness,
And I will put on a garment of praise.
The enemy has failed with this madness,
I am through wasting any more good days.
Mind over matter, and prayer over pain.
I've lost it all, so now it's time to gain.

Winter in My Soul (sonnet)

The flowers say that Spring is on its way,
But it's still Winter deep within my soul.
The sun comes out each warm and sunny day,
But I cannot escape the bitter cold.
I hear "Mom" in a store and turn my head;
It's automatic when I hear that call.
I was coming to life, but now I feel dead,
Without a reason to go on at all.
I wake each morning and must force myself
To get up, to get out, and to go on.
I cannot depend on anyone else;
My faith in humanity's all but gone.
What did I do to deserve all this pain?
I dared to let my feelings show again.

I Forgot It All

How many yesterdays have come and gone
Since I first felt the burning sting of shame?
When did I find a shelf to place it on,
The things I couldn't face and couldn't name?
How many years have passed since I lost track
Of things I never thought that I'd forget?
When did I bury all my dreams out back,
Amidst the desert sand and my regret?
How many moons ago did I give up,
Convinced it was my lot in life to be
Content to sip this awful, bitter cup,
And never let the sorrow get to me?
Time doesn't heal all wounds, as I recall;
There was a reason I forgot it all.