I recently read a heart breaking post on a forum I belong to written by a woman in a horribly abusive relationship. I was saddened by some of the responses she received, advising her to "just leave." It's just not that simple for many domestic violence victims. There are many reasons that some choose to stay in their abusive relationships. Here are just a few that come to mind:
#1: She feels like she doesn't have anywhere to go. I know when I was still with my abusive ex-husband, that's how I felt. I had no family nearby to call on for help. I was too embarrassed to ask church family for help, and I didn't know that there were such things as battered women's shelters. And even once I did find out that shelters existed, I had to wait for a spot in one.
#2: She doesn't know how she'll support herself and her children. Many women depend on their abusive spouses financially. Most don't work or have any income of their own. In many abusive relationships, the abuser has total control of the finances and she may not even have access to the marital bank accounts. She feels that she will not be able to survive on her own.
#3: They're afraid that if they try to leave and fail, that they'll be abused even worse when they must return. I've experienced this personally. I DID try to leave several times, but was unable to make a "clean getaway" and had to return "home." The abuse following this was worse than it was before. Many women in abusive relationships fear the repercussions of trying to leave. In some cases, as in mine, the abuser has actually threatened them with violence if they try to leave him. This is a REAL FEAR. The most dangerous time for an abuse survivor is the first few months and years AFTER she leaves her abuser.
#4: She thinks that if she stays, it might get better. Most domestic violence sufferers are trapped in the "domestic violence cycle," even though they may not know it. There are times in between attacks where the abuser may seem almost "loving" or "normal," and it is during these times that a woman tells herself that things will eventually be okay. She deludes herself into thinking that her abuser will change.
#5: She wants to stay "for her children." She believes in the traditional 2 parent family and feels strongly that her children need this structure to thrive and grow. What she doesn't realize is that by staying, she's teaching her children that it's "okay" to abuse the people you "love." Even though the children may not be being directly abused, they are still suffering more than she knows. Still, she may think that by staying, she's providing them with a "stable home."
#6: She may stay because of religious reasons. Some women stay because their religious upbringing has taught them that divorce is wrong and that they must endure ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and NEVER LEAVE ("for better or for worse"). Their abusers may even quote scripture to keep them in submission. A woman may be left feeling that this is simply her "lot in life" and that she does not have the right to leave. This is a very difficult belief system to counter because it's often been taught to people since they were children.
#7: She simply "can't" leave. After enduring years of torment, many women are in such a state that they simply feel unable to leave. They are weak physically, torn apart emotionally, and have very low self-esteem. Speaking from experience, I had in the back of my mind: "I'd rather deal with the hell I know than try to navigate the unknown." This, too, is a valid fear. I have had multiple nervous breakdowns (before and after leaving) and the psychological energy it takes to stand up to one's abuser and leave is enormous.
I hope that this will answer some questions some have had about why women don't "just leave" their abusers. It is very complicated and personal for each individual. Feel free to comment with any "reasons women don't leave" that I may have missed. For those who are still in abusive relationships that feel paralyzed with fear, please know that you are not alone. There are people who care. There is a way out . . . when you're READY.
For those of you who have "made it out" successfully, but are still struggling with demons from your past, please be gentle with yourself and know that you WILL HEAL eventually. Be patient with the process and with yourself. There is no set schedule at which healing will take place. You are where you are supposed to be . . . each individual's experience is unique. You are a powerful, beautiful woman and someday, even if you don't yet feel it, you will learn to love yourself in a way you never imagined.
