I'm Afraid to Fall in Love (Poem)

I'm afraid to fall in love,

I think I tried that way back when . . .

Back when I still believed

That love would never hurt me

Or deceive me,

Or desert me,

Never let me down again.

So won't you forgive me, please,

If I'm a bit of a slowpoke,

I promise this isn't any joke - -

I am just a “fraidy cat,” it's true,

Even though I'm totally nuts about you.

You see, I know for certain

That I like you a whole lot - -

That it feels good to hold you tight,

That I could kiss you half the night,

That I've gotten so used to you

That I'd be awful sad to lose you,

But beyond that, honey,

I must admit that I'm ashamed to say . . .

I'm afraid to fall in love.

What if what we share goes away?

What if you don't want to stay?

What if I'm not good enough somehow?

What if the timing isn't right just now?

I can say for sure how wonderful

It feels spending time with you,

How I daydream half the day away,

Wondering if you're thinking of me too.

I imagine sitting near you,

Calling you “my dear,” too.

When I feel you hold my hand,

I hope that you can understand,

But do you?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

So many painful words were spoken,

My heart has been so badly broken.

Has it finally healed itself?

Don't tell anybody else, but

I'm afraid to say “I love you.”

I'm not sure what that would mean.

Would it mean that we belong together?

Would it mean we'd last forever?

Please forgive me for not knowing

Just exactly where we're going,

I'm afraid to fall in love,

So how about we just go fishing,

Spend some time, and keep on wishing

To be friends for just awhile?

I sure do enjoy your smile.

When we're apart it's not the same,

And at the mention of you name,

I must admit,

I blush a little bit.

This feels somehow new to me,

It's been so long since I felt this way --

You have no idea what you do to me,

With the things you do and say.

Simple things that aren't so simple,

Things that make me want to fall,

Things that make me want to crawl

Begging on my hands and knees,

“Won't you stay forever, please!”

But I'm afraid to fall in love.

So if it's quite alright, I won't.

You can fall in love with me, if you want,

But it might be safer if you don't.

Because my heart's still kind of healing

And my mind's still sort of reeling

I'm just trying to stay afloat.

I don't want to say the words

Until I know I mean them.

And I suppose it's far too soon

To know for sure how I feel,

But I thought I'd let you know

I'm headed that direction,

Towards falling in love,

And it's scaring me to death.

I can barely take a breath.

When I look into your eyes,

It catches me by surprise,

And I'm not sure what to do or say?

Does it matter anyway?

I suppose what's meant to be will be,

Without help from you or me.

It's just that sometimes at night

I lie awake. I can't sleep.

My mind is full,

And my thoughts are deep.

Wondering if you're “the one,”

Wondering if you even care,

Or if I'm just another person

To take somewhere

And do stuff with.

Hang out for awhile,

Catch a quick hug & kiss.

I feel so very unsure,

So confused and insecure.

I don't know where to go from here,

If I give you the wheel,

Will you steer?

I don't know this road very well.

The last time I drove down it,

It went straight to hell.

Please be patient with me if

I'm worried we'll drive right off a cliff . . .

You see, it wouldn't be the first time

Someone broke this heart of mine.

And I don't know how many crashes I can take,

How many more times my heart can break,

Before the shattered pieces can never

Again be put back together.

So you see . . .

It's quite the awful tragedy . . .

What on earth will you do with me?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

Unspeakable Pain (digital collage)

Somehow It Matters If It's Real (sonnet)

Oh Heart, I thought you dead, you beat again. 
Oh Soul, I thought you stone, and yet you feel.
Oh wow, I hadn't laughed since God knows when,
And yet, somehow it matters if it's real.
I don't want just a foolish fling that fails.
I don't want empty words or shallow sex.
I've buried doubt in a coffin with nails,
If I needed drama, I'd call my ex.
I don't want a stalker who likes my feet.
I don't want a rich man who buys me things.
I want a man who is always discreet,
One who will let me try out my own wings.
Life's a scary world getting scarier.
Love? That would make my life much merrier.

Better Off Single (sonnet)

Dating's a concept that's foreign to me,
I'm rusty as an old nail in a fence --
Haven't dated since nineteen ninety three;
I'm feeling out of touch and rather dense.
Does a hug still mean what it used to mean?
How do I show I'm not interested?
How do I keep things friendly, nice, and "clean,"
Without too much energy invested?
I almost feel like an alien just now,
As though all the men are from outer space.
I try to make small talk, but don't know how,
And always end up feeling out of place.
I guess there's no harm learning to mingle,
But for now, think I'm better off single.

Fresh Off the Shelf (collage)

Then Comes the Night (sonnet)

By day, the sun is shining, oh so bright.
My future seems a promise within reach.
But then daylight fades, I'm frozen by fright,
And I forget all the sermons I preach.
Words are so easy to say and to write;
Acting on them's so much harder to do.
The loneliness creeps on in with the night,
Bringing the melancholy right along.
I struggle to do what I know is right;
It's hard to tell which shades of gray are wrong.
My heart will surely lead my steps astray.
I cannot trust all the things that I feel.
And as pitch darkness overcomes the day,
The pain comes back in waves so very real.
Just when I think I am on the right track,
Then comes the night, and the fear is right back.

Confusion (collage)

There are simply not the words to describe how I'm feeling right now.  I'm at a crossroads in life where there is no clear direction as to where I should go next or what I should do.  My identity is shrouded in a black trench coat -- a mystery even to me.  There are so many questions, so much confusion . . . so, I made a collage . . , you know what they say -- "a picture's worth a thousand words."

Why don't women "just leave" their abusers? (article)

I recently read a heart breaking post on a forum I belong to written by a woman in a horribly abusive relationship.  I was saddened by some of the responses she received, advising her to "just leave."  It's just not that simple for many domestic violence victims.  There are many reasons that some choose to stay in their abusive relationships.  Here are just a few that come to mind:

#1: She feels like she doesn't have anywhere to go.  I know when I was still with my abusive ex-husband, that's how I felt.  I had no family nearby to call on for help. I was too embarrassed to ask church family for help, and I didn't know that there were such things as battered women's shelters.  And even once I did find out that shelters existed, I had to wait for a spot in one. 

#2: She doesn't know how she'll support herself and her children.  Many women depend on their abusive spouses financially.  Most don't work or have any income of their own.  In many abusive relationships, the abuser has total control of the finances and she may not even have access to the marital bank accounts.  She feels that she will not be able to survive on her own.

#3: They're afraid that if they try to leave and fail, that they'll be abused even worse when they must return.  I've experienced this personally. I DID try to leave several times, but was unable to make a "clean getaway" and had to return "home."  The abuse following this was worse than it was before.  Many women in abusive relationships fear the repercussions of trying to leave.  In some cases, as in mine, the abuser has actually threatened them with violence if they try to leave him.  This is a REAL FEAR.  The most dangerous time for an abuse survivor is the first few months and years AFTER she leaves her abuser. 

#4: She thinks that if she stays, it might get better.  Most domestic violence sufferers are trapped in the "domestic violence cycle," even though they may not know it.  There are times in between attacks where the abuser may seem almost "loving" or "normal," and it is during these times that a woman tells herself that things will eventually be okay.  She deludes herself into thinking that her abuser will change. 

#5:  She wants to stay "for her children."  She believes in the traditional 2 parent family and feels strongly that her children need this structure to thrive and grow.  What she doesn't realize is that by staying, she's teaching her children that it's "okay" to abuse the people you "love."  Even though the children may not be being directly abused, they are still suffering more than she knows.  Still, she may think that by staying, she's providing them with a "stable home."

#6:  She may stay because of religious reasons.  Some women stay because their religious upbringing has taught them that divorce is wrong and that they must endure ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and NEVER LEAVE ("for better or for worse").  Their abusers may even quote scripture to keep them in submission.  A woman may be left feeling that this is simply her "lot in life" and that she does not have the right to leave.  This is a very difficult belief system to counter because it's often been taught to people since they were children. 

#7: She simply "can't" leave.  After enduring years of torment, many women are in such a state that they simply feel unable to leave.  They are weak physically, torn apart emotionally, and have very low self-esteem.  Speaking from experience, I had in the back of my mind: "I'd rather deal with the hell I know than try to navigate the unknown."  This, too, is a valid fear.  I have had multiple nervous breakdowns (before and after leaving) and the psychological energy it takes to stand up to one's abuser and leave is enormous.  

I hope that this will answer some questions some have had about why women don't "just leave" their abusers.  It is very complicated and personal for each individual.  Feel free to comment with any "reasons women don't leave" that I may have missed.   For those who are still in abusive relationships that feel paralyzed with fear, please know that you are not alone.  There are people who care.  There is a way out . . . when you're READY. 

For those of you who have "made it out" successfully, but are still struggling with demons from your past, please be gentle with yourself and know that you WILL HEAL eventually.  Be patient with the process and with yourself.  There is no set schedule at which healing will take place.  You are where you are supposed to be . . . each individual's experience is unique.  You are a powerful, beautiful woman and someday, even if you don't yet feel it, you will learn to love yourself in a way you never imagined.

Real Men Don't Rape (collage)

These days there are no words for what I'm going through.  I've found it helps some to make collages, so here's the one I made today:

Lord, Hold Me (Sonnet)

Lord, you've brought me this far, so now I trust
That You'll carry me the rest of the way.
I'm trying so hard to do what I must
To make it through each dreary, weary day.
I don't want to fail You now by falling,
But some days it's ever so hard to stand.
So now on Your Holy Name I'm calling,
Begging You to steady me with Your hand.
I need Your power now more than ever,
For the gates of hell rattle, oh so loud.
Did I think I'd make it this far? Never.
Yet I'm ashamed and anything but proud.
Lord, hold me in Your precious arms tonight,
And help me not to give up on this fight.

Somewhere Beyond (sonnet)

Somewhere beyond these walls there is a place
Where grass grows green and children freely play,
A safe and happy spot in time and space,
No worries are allowed to ruin the day.
Somewhere beyond this day another comes,
And I have no idea what it will hold.
I do not know if I should stay or run,
Or just stay here and keep on growing old.
Somewhere beyond this life is one brand new,
A mystical city, so I've been told,
Where no sorrow or pain ever break through,
Where memories of earth quickly grow cold.
I long to go somewhere beyond this grief
Where I can eventually find relief.

What's the Hold Up? (sonnet)

Is it too disturbing, even for you?
Are you afraid of what I have to say?
Are you afraid it's more than you can do?
Are you afraid that you don't know the way?
First you said to wait a little longer.
Then you said we must wait a little more.
All this time the feeling's growing stronger,
The burning urges I cannot ignore.
You said that you could help me sort it out.
You said you had experience with all this.
Well, tell me what the wait is all about?
Is there something important that I missed?
Please tell me that you won't give up on me;
There's no one else to help me through, you see. 

When Will This Be Over? (Sonnet)

My head shoved in the bookcase like a box,
Him reaming me like crazy from behind,
The banging of the headboard as it rocks,
The screaming pain that makes me lose my mind.
"This is for my kids," I say, and shut up,
I don't want them to awake from their sleep.
The pain, the feelings, they all just got stuffed,
I wish I had the luxury to weep.
When will this be over? When will it end --
The remembering of all that he did?
How did I always force my mind to bend
Around the memories I quickly hid?
God help me, I can't deal with all this pain.
I'm tired of living it over again.

All Sorts of "Friends" (sonnet)

I see only Darkness, as I look on;
A fog of Unknown, Unheard, and Unseen.
Pity's potholes fill the road walked upon,
And Hope gets lost so easily between.
Like a frightened child, I look all around
For someone who's willing to be my guide,
Someone to lift my feet up off the ground,
Someone to walk faithfully by my side.
Injustice waves a hand in the cold air
And volunteers to share my lonely path.
Depression tiptoes in out of nowhere,
And Doubt races to me through the high grass.
I'm not alone, I have all sorts of "friends."
It's this blasted journey that never ends.

New Artwork - Shadow Girl

This one is about how even though I'm a grown woman, I still sometimes feel like a frightened little girl that's all alone.  I get so tired of being "strong" and telling my kids that "everything's gonna be okay" when I don't know if it ever will be.   Sometimes I just wish there was somebody there to hold me and tell ME that everything's gonna be okay.  Is it?  Will it EVER be okay?

Some more of my "art" (Caged)

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Acrostic Sonnet)

Let's just pretend you never heard it said.
Except for knowing, talk won't change a thing;
There is no point in digging up the dead,
So just ignore the feelings it might bring.
Let's just imagine I don't care at all.
Expect life to go on just as it should.
Energy's wasted tearing down that wall,
Perhaps if I were stronger, then I could
Investigate the agony I feel,
No doubt I'd understand a little more.
God knows the guilt and sorrow are still real,
Despite how deep I've buried them before.
On top of all I'm dealing with right now,
Great pain may simply push me to the edge.
So maybe it is best if I somehow
Leave it alone, and climb down from this ledge.
It's not that I'm avoiding this -- not true ...
Except the fear of what pain's made me do.

I Can't Go There Again (sonnet)

The pressure's building til I feel I'll burst.
I'm fighting it, but don't know if I can
Resist the urge to wallow in the worst
Of who and what I think and feel I am.
I know, deep down, that healing's what I need,
But, oh my God, I can't go there again.
The thought of it just makes me want to bleed;
I haven't felt this bad since way back when.
I never want to feel out of control
The way I did when I first started on
This journey to the center of my soul.
What if I get there just to find I'm gone?
I almost wish I really were insane.
I'd rather that than face this wretched pain.

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Artwork used by permission of the talented artist
April Mansilla. View and purchase her artwork HERE