Whatever It Takes (freewrite)

Today I've been thinking of some of my all-time favorite Bible passages:

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.' "
Matthew 11:28-30 (New Living Translation)

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior ... You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch you out of my hand."
Isaiah 43: 1-5, 13 (New Living Translation)

 I'm beginning to be convinced that God allows difficult or traumatic circumstances in our lives to draw us close to Him and KEEP us there.

You see, I am and have always been, a VERY stubborn, independent person. My pride and desire to be self-sufficient have gotten me into trouble more times than I like to admit.

In my late teens, rather than ask for help when I didn't have money for rent and car insurance, I compromised my moral standards and betrayed the very essence of who I was simply to 'pay the bills.' Why? I was too proud to admit that I couldn't do it myself.  I'm sure my parents would have gladly helped me out (had I let them know that I was struggling financially), but I didn't even give them that opportunity. 

Later, when I found myself in a difficult relationship, I ignored the warnings of those whose wisdom I SHOULD HAVE trusted, and got married anyway. I don't know what I was trying to prove, but I certainly wasn't about to admit that I'd made a mistake in entering into the relationship in the first place. After all, I thought I was a grown woman, and I simply would not tolerate anyone telling ME how to live my life. That included God (at that particular time in my life, at least).

If things had been more of a "bed of roses" from that point on, I might have simply continued to manage everything on my own -- completely unwilling to surrender to the sovereignty of God. After all, what would I have needed Him for?  It was only when life knocked me flat on my face that I was forced to look up and rekindle a faith that had grown cold.

If I had never had to scrimp and save, never wondered how the bills would get paid, and never had to do without or make sacrifices, I might never have learned to trust Him as Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.

If I had never been shamed, brutalized, and wounded inside & out, I might never have learned to rely on Him as Jehovah-Rapha, my Healer.

If I had never wandered through a maze of confusion and manipulation, I might never have learned to count on my Shepherd, Jehovah-Ra-Ah, for guidance and direction.

If I had never been paralyzed by terror, tormented by guilt, consumed by worry, or frustrated by injustice, I might never have learned to rest in the peace that Jehovah-Shalom alone can provide.

If I had never suffered agonizing loss after agonizing loss, I might never have learned to lean on Him as the divine Comforter.

If I had never felt trapped and alone in the depths of darkness, I might never have searched for the divine illumination that only the Light of the World can give.

If I had never been completely exhausted and utterly spent -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I might never have experienced the incredible rejuvenation found only in El Shaddai (Almighty God, the Strength Giver).

Maybe the Lord knew that the only way to keep me

close to Him was to strip me of everything else.

Perhaps He knew that if my life were too 'easy,' I would rely on myself instead of trusting in Him. It's quite possible that God either directly sent me problems or allowed certain difficulties in my life for the specific purpose of bringing me to my knees at the foot of the Cross ..... And KEEPING ME THERE.

And you know what? MOST of the time, I'm quite okay with that (I do have my moments of questioning and doubting like everyone else does). I'd rather go through hell on earth with Jesus by my side than live a life of ease without Him.

Which reminds me of the words to a great 'old' gospel song (youtube video is below the lyrics):

Whatever It Takes
There's a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And He whispers, 'Draw closer to Me;
Leave this world far behind,
There are new heights to climb,
And a new place in Me you will find.'

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take the dearest things to me,
If that's how it must be,
To draw me closer to Thee;
Let the disappointments come,
Lonely days without the sun,
If through sorrow more like You I'll become.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Take my houses, my lands,
Change my dreams, change my plans
For I'm placing my whole life in Your hands;
And if You call me today to a place far away
Lord, I'll go, and Your will I'll obey.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
I'll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain --
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes for my will to break,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Words and Music by Lanny Wolfe

I Found a Way (sonnet)

It used to be I shuddered in the night
Because I knew what was coming my way.
I did my "duty," what I thought was "right,"
You took advantage of that ev'ry day.
You led me to believe I was worthless,
Incapable of ever leaving you.
You said I was an ugly, crazy mess,
That there was nowhere I had to run to.
Well, a mess I may have been, thanks to you,
But I found a way to escape your grip.
I learned there were places I could go to,
We packed up our stuff and started our trip.
You were so sure you had me forever.
When will you have me again? Oh, NEVER!

If Only For Today (sonnet)

Warming my soul with a glass of champagne,
I float away to a land of sweet peace. 
Drowing the memories, drowing the pain,
Finding a small way to find some release.
Is it very wrong to not want to feel?
Is it so horrible to run away?
Is it so bad to wish it weren't real?
Is it a crime to "numb away" the day?
I know it's the past, I know that it's done --
I know it is not still happening now.
I know that I am not the only one
Who has been tortured like this, but somehow
I wish I could just make it go away.
And so I shall, if only for today.

I'd Rather Get Hit (sonnet)

Well blow me away, the other foot fell,
I knew that the "niceness" would never last.
So we're back to the usual realms of hell,
I should be used to it now from the past.
First came the pain, and then came the flowers.
First came the rape, and then came the excuse.
Days upon more days and hours upon hours
Of senseless, mindless, and pointless abuse.
To be quite honest, I'd rather get hit
Than have my mind always messed with like this.
In fact, I used to beg him to do it,
I'd rather prefer a slug from his fist.
Just when I think peace will finally come,
I realize this madness'll never be done.

Maybe Tomorrow

My strength's a memory; I have no more.
My will to fight is gone, I feel so small.
Belief that right prevails walked out the door,
I have no more to give - I gave my all.
The things I once believed that I could do,
I gave them up, my dreams have all but died.
My days of being super mom are through.
No comfort comes from knowing that I tried.
There simply aren't the hours within a day
To do it all, to be it all, to find
The answers to the questions, so I say
Good-bye to hope, to faith, and peace of mind.
Maybe tomorrow I will try again ...
If I don't lose my marbles before then.

It Never Happened

"It never happened." Words that are so strong;
An echo from the past I left behind,
A challenge of what I'd lived all along,
A seed of doubt was planted in my mind.
"If you say this, then no one will believe
A single thing you say; it's all a lie."
I'm empty now, there's nothing to achieve,
No point in even bothering to try.
I sigh and nod, I back away, and then
Give in and say the words I hate to say.
I'm back to just a puppet once again;
The melancholy robot saves the day.
"It never happened." (So glad we agree.)
Guess I was wrong. Good-bye reality.

Giving up the Fight (artwork; trigger warning)

I apologize in advance if this piece of artwork is disturbing to you.  I'm simply trying to wade my way through all of the perverse images that swirl around my mind these days.  Sometimes it's so hard to fit the pieces together.  What I find the most disconcerting is that in many of these images, I see myself in such a submissive state, as though I had completely given up, as though I no longer cared what happened to me, and had simply accepted what was happening as my "lot in life."  Sometimes I will have a clear recollection of thinking to myself, "If I do this, at least something worse won't happen tonight."  It's like I had lost all will to fight back. 

I've tried to determine when exactly this change took place.  Was there a moment in time that I decided it wasn't worth the struggle, that pain was inevitable and I might as well choose the least painful thing?  Was there a day that I suddenly relinquished any right to my own body? Or was it a gradual process that incidiously ate away at the very core of my being until I had no strength left to resist?  I honestly can't say.

I'm ashamed to admit that I gave up, that I stopped fighting back, that I just lay there and "took it" like a lump of nothingness.  At some point, I guess I quit feeling.  But did I really?  I find it hard to believe that there wasn't at least some internal response to the excruciating pain, humiliation, and degradation.  It's more likely that I dissociated whenever I got overwhelmed physically and/or emotionally. 

This is a very difficult image for me.  I know it happened a lot.  Several times a week, as best I can recall. I can feel my face mashed into him and his hands pushing so hard against the back of my head that my neck hurt.  I can smell the musky smell between his legs and sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with a choking sensation and a salty taste in my mouth.  I chose the swirly background because sometimes I would get so dizzy that the "room would swim" and I'd "see stars" because it was very hard to breathe.  Aside from the fact that I was probably a little low on oxygen to the brain now and then LOL, I would put myself into sort of a trance and visualize something sort of like the swirls in this picture.  I would close my eyes and points of light would go around and around in circles.

And yet, I would just kneel there. Like a robot. Like a servant.  Like it was my duty.  I can see myself just sitting there totally limp and lifeless, gagging, trying to breathe, trying to pull away just enough to take a breath and him smashing himself down my throat.  "Swallow it," he'd order, "Just swallow it."  I can feel the cold tile of the bathroom floor sometimes.  Other times, he'd have me sit on the toilet and he would stand in front of me.  That was a little "better" because at least my neck wasn't at such a crazy angle. 

Truthfully, even though I DETESTED sucking him off, I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I would OFFER it to him to avoid the more painful alternatives.  I hate myself for being so weak, for thinking so little of myself that I would essentially try to "bargain" my way out of pain.  "I'll give you a blow job if you'll leave me alone for the rest of the night."  I don't know how many times I said that.  The sickening thing is, sometimes I'd go through a half hour of agonizing fellatio, "comforting" myself with the fact that at least for that night I wouldn't get raped, and then he'd go back on his word and wake me up at 2 in the morning ANYWAY and say, "Oh, that was just a warmup.  Time for round 2."  

How did I manage to survive?  Why didn't I go insane?  Maybe I DID go insane . . . a little . . . LOL . . . what "normal" person would spend hours on end recreating disgusting graphic images of horrible memories. 

But at the moment, it seems to be helping me "get it out," so bear with me and I apologize for the content of the "art."  One of these days I'll have to do something a little more "nice" for a change.