Better Off Single (sonnet)

Dating's a concept that's foreign to me,
I'm rusty as an old nail in a fence --
Haven't dated since nineteen ninety three;
I'm feeling out of touch and rather dense.
Does a hug still mean what it used to mean?
How do I show I'm not interested?
How do I keep things friendly, nice, and "clean,"
Without too much energy invested?
I almost feel like an alien just now,
As though all the men are from outer space.
I try to make small talk, but don't know how,
And always end up feeling out of place.
I guess there's no harm learning to mingle,
But for now, think I'm better off single.

This Thing Called Fate (sonnet)

Like going to the store only to find
They closed an hour ago; the doors are locked.
It rattles your cage and addles your mind,
Why didn't you stop to look at the clock?
Like the perfect dress, but not the right size,
They have larger and smaller, but not yours.
It frustrates you, even crosses your eyes,
Til you wonder what you went shopping for.
Like going to work to find that you're off
And didn't even need to go at all.
Like having no Halls when you have a cough,
It can leave you wanting to climb the wall.
Sometimes in life it's too little, too late,
I guess that's what it is -- this thing called fate.

Fresh Off the Shelf (collage)

Then Comes the Night (sonnet)

By day, the sun is shining, oh so bright.
My future seems a promise within reach.
But then daylight fades, I'm frozen by fright,
And I forget all the sermons I preach.
Words are so easy to say and to write;
Acting on them's so much harder to do.
The loneliness creeps on in with the night,
Bringing the melancholy right along.
I struggle to do what I know is right;
It's hard to tell which shades of gray are wrong.
My heart will surely lead my steps astray.
I cannot trust all the things that I feel.
And as pitch darkness overcomes the day,
The pain comes back in waves so very real.
Just when I think I am on the right track,
Then comes the night, and the fear is right back.

Welcome to the Jungle (sonnet)

So welcome to the jungle, this is just
A taste of what awaits you in the weeds.
I'll let you have a sample, if you must,
I always have what everybody needs.
If pain is what you're seeking, I have it.
Stored up inside by the bushel and peck.
Just look down the hole, follow the rabbit,
And soon you'll be in hell up to your neck.
If love is what you search for, look elsewhere,
For I'm not even certain it exists.
I've been hurt so much by people who "care,"
But I don't know if there's something I've missed.
Won't you join me here in the jungle now?
I'm all alone here, waiting, anyhow.

Somewhere Beyond (sonnet)

Somewhere beyond these walls there is a place
Where grass grows green and children freely play,
A safe and happy spot in time and space,
No worries are allowed to ruin the day.
Somewhere beyond this day another comes,
And I have no idea what it will hold.
I do not know if I should stay or run,
Or just stay here and keep on growing old.
Somewhere beyond this life is one brand new,
A mystical city, so I've been told,
Where no sorrow or pain ever break through,
Where memories of earth quickly grow cold.
I long to go somewhere beyond this grief
Where I can eventually find relief.

Who Knows? (sonnet)

Who can say where the road will go from here.
Who can know the twists, the turns, the dead ends.
Who can know when there'll be an end to fear.
Who knows who are enemies, who are friends.
How do I navigate this winding course?
How do I battle nightmares in the day?
How do I grieve what was taken by force?
How do I make the mem'ries go away?
When will I feel like I am whole again?
When will I do all the things that I must?
When will I forget the places I've been?
When will I finally learn how to trust?
The future is something I cannot see.
Guess I'll just have to keep on being me.

I Have No Clue (sonnet)

Here and there are pieces flying by --
Fragments of a past I never wanted.
Pain that sears my soul, still I cannot cry,
Despite the mem'ries with which I'm haunted.
Then and now and here and there are just mush,
A maelstrom raging deep within my soul.
The race to heal makes me feel in a rush,
And yet my heart is still so full of holes.
Particles of past and present now fuse
To create some freakish thing I call "me."
But after all the torture and abuse,
I have no clue who I'm supposed to be.
Is there a blueprint somewhere for a "self,"
Or must I put my questions on a shelf?

The Maze in My Mind (sonnet)

Ageless and nameless and faceless, I feel,
As though I do not fit in anywhere.
Are my thoughts or my feelings even real,
Or did some weird stroke of fate put them there?
There are some things I know with certainty,
But there are so many things that I doubt.
I have learned a great deal from books, you see,
But there's still so much I can't figure out. 
Do others struggle with questions like these,
Or am I just some special kind of freak?
Will my heart and mind ever be at ease?
Will I ever find the answers I seek?
How on earth will I ever hope to find
A way to explain the maze in my mind?

Candy Land (sonnet)

So we're back to the game of Candy Land,
We're not stuck in the Lollipop Forest
Like we had been for weeks and weeks on end,
But in the Molasses Swamp now we "rest."
I don't know how many "turns" we'll spend here,
Perhaps we'll have to go back to the start.
I don't know how I'll dry up all my tears,
Or explain to my children's broken hearts.
How is it that this injustice can be?
How am I to deal with this load of pain?
Just when I thought life was setting us free,
My hopes were squashed completely flat again.
I don't know how much more pain I can take
Before I stop bending and fin'lly break.

I'd Rather Get Hit (sonnet)

Well blow me away, the other foot fell,
I knew that the "niceness" would never last.
So we're back to the usual realms of hell,
I should be used to it now from the past.
First came the pain, and then came the flowers.
First came the rape, and then came the excuse.
Days upon more days and hours upon hours
Of senseless, mindless, and pointless abuse.
To be quite honest, I'd rather get hit
Than have my mind always messed with like this.
In fact, I used to beg him to do it,
I'd rather prefer a slug from his fist.
Just when I think peace will finally come,
I realize this madness'll never be done.

Have I come this far in vain? (acrostic sonnet)

Some day on heaven's shore, I'll hold the key
That will unlock the meaning of it all.
Until that day, I'll try my best to be
Content to read the writing on the wall.
Keep thinking I should have a clue by now ...

How can so many years have passed me by?
Each time I go back home I feel somehow
Revisiting my youth will tell me why
Each path I walked was diff'rent, yet the same.

Am I condemned this hist'ry to repeat?
God, help me, have I come this far in vain?
Am I forever doomed to face defeat?
I cannot see beyond this awful mess,
No matter how I try, I do confess.

Back Down This Road (sonnet)

I traveled to the place I thought was home,
But it felt strange returning there because
The years have passed and left me all alone,
A shriveled shadow of what I once was.
Inside I feel the same as in my youth,
Though I stopped living, life still passed me by.
I'm lost without a clue, and that's the truth.
I'm old and young at once, and don't know why.
Can someone tell me where my heart belongs?
Can someone show me how to find my way?
Can someone help me somehow right the wrongs
That stole the years from me, killed yesterday?
I cannot stay, but hate that I must go
Back down this road, whose end I do not know.

Another Memory (artwork; trigger warning)

One of these days my reserve of traumatic images will run low, WON'T IT?  I keep thinking there will come a day when I will finally have processed all of this shit. 

This particular image/memory is from early on in our relationship, before we were even married.  It started out almost romantic.  We had taken an old plaid blanket to a local state park and hiked quite a ways off the trail.  I knew he planned to have sex, and I was okay with that . . . in fact, there was a certain amount of "romance" and "excitement" to the whole idea of having sex in a semi-public place where we might get caught.

But then he started getting really rough and "weird." and I asked him to stop.  We heard some other people on the hiking trail nearby, and for a split second, I thought to myself, "maybe they could help me."  But then I felt really stupid.  Help me with WHAT?  This was my BOYFRIEND, who I had come there WILLINGLY with. . . what would I SAY to them?  The sex had started out consensually . . . I just hadn't been prepared for the change in his approach.  And when I say "change," I mean Dr.Jekyl/Mr. Hyde type transformation. 

I was terrified and did what most young women would probably do - screamed at him to get off me.  He threw the blanket over me and started choking me, telling me to "shut the fuck up" and saying "you know you want it" and that I was such a tease and he "knew" I liked it rough.  Since WHEN?  His grip on my throat got so tight I started seeing stars and thought I was going to pass out.  I maybe did for a second or two, because I vaguely remember him leaning over me looking kind of scared and saying, "oh my God!" I guess maybe he thought he killed me?

Anyhow, yeah, this was such a "fun" memory to revisit/relive.  This is going on 15 years ago and it's only just coming up.  When is this going to end?  Just when I think I must be almost done with this crap, there's always MORE and MORE and MORE.  I'm so sick of it.  I just want to get on with my life and be "NORMAL!"  Is there such a thing?

I don't want to be one of those people who spends their whole life in therapy whining about their past and using it as an excuse for never doing anything with their life.  I have dreams, goals, and aspirations (or at least I'm pretty sure that I USED TO).  I don't have time for this insanity.

And yet, I'm afraid if I don't let all this crap out now and deal with it thoroughly, that it will just come back to "haunt" me at some point in the future.  But I SO want to get on with my life, to leave these ugly chapters behind me FOREVER.  When will this end?

What is me? (Sonnet)

What are these shackles wrapped around my soul
So tightly that I cannot draw a breath?
This struggle deep within to keep control;
It wears me down til I have nothing left.
Try as I might, I cannot seem to find
The words to fit the feelings that abide
Within the cloudy regions of my mind.
What if there's nothing left of me inside?
Am I composed of places that I've been,
Or am I made of things that have been done?
What if I find in going back again,
A maze I can't explain to anyone?
Who am I, what is me, do I belong?
Have I been masquerading all along?

Just a Ghost (Acrostic Sonnet)

When first he came and took his rightful prize,
He had to find me first and pin me down,
Yet somehow I just froze and closed my eyes.
Despite the pain, I lay without a sound.
I think I tried to hide a time or two;
Deterring him just never seemed to work.
No matter what I did or didn't do,
The time would come, and he'd just go berserk.
I don't know when or why I chose defeat,
For years it seemed the only thing to do.
I'd wave a flag of white and just retreat.
"God help me," I would pray; it's all I knew.
How many times did he take all of me,
Til I was not a woman, just a ghost,
Believing 'twas my lot to simply be
A piece of meat? I think that hurt the most.
Consid'ring how he left my soul for dead,
Keep asking what I should have done instead.