The Invisible Wounds of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

I did not author the majority of this material, but have simply gathered it in one place for your convenience. I tried to give credit to the original authors whenever possible. I do not personally agree with all of the opinions of these authors, but it's a place to start if you're not familiar with this topic at all.  

Don't have time to read it all? (it is rather lengthy)
Scroll to the bottom of this article for links to other resources!
Make sure you complete the "abuse quiz" partway down the page, either for yourself or for "a friend."

Content by Laura Wilkinson & Cheryl Lewis

Every day we hear of court cases that involve men who have either killed or maimed their wives. At the worst, they have beaten them to death, stabbed or shot them, or at the least, they have inflicted bruises and broken bones. That is what is known as physical abuse. It is very common, and is becoming more publicized every day. There are movies made on the topic, and laws designed to protect the victims. This is the abuse that you can actually see. What I want to talk about is the abuse that you don’t see. It is called emotional, mental, or verbal abuse. It is just as bad, or perhaps worse, than physical abuse. This abuse chips away at the very essence of a person. This abuse makes the victim believe there is no hope for any better life. This abuse is not readily visible. There are no bruises, no broken bones, and no Band-Aids. There are few, if any, laws designed to protect the victim. Many times, the victim feels she must have done something to deserve the hurt, and no one tells her differently. The pain inflicted by this type of abuse causes much more damage than fists, and it takes much longer to recover from verbal abuse. The woman who is suffering from verbal abuse is not so easily recognized. She is the one who appears to be trying very hard to please her mate, or makes excuses for the embarrassing moments, or explains time after time why they are late, or why they inexplicably just didn’t show up. This woman may have a very tired or sad or wary expression on her face, and she looks as though she is waiting for something terrible to happen. She has learned that something terrible may very well be right around the next corner.

Verbal abuse is sneaky. Most of the time it affects women, but it is also experienced by men. Most of the time it goes on behind closed doors, with the abuser having a much different face in public. To his friends and co-workers he will seem to be Mr. Congeniality. He may be very suave and very friendly. However, once he gets home to his wife, he becomes a totally different man. He becomes manipulative, controlling, and hateful. He will put her down and make fun of her in the name of "just joking;" he will ridicule her dreams and tell her she’s not worth it. Then when she thinks it can’t get any worse, he turns back into Mr. Congeniality, and she thinks everything will be fine. She lets her guard down, and then suddenly he snaps back into the bad guy when she least expects it. Day after day, he will criticize her housekeeping, her cooking, her parenting. Slowly but surely, she will come to believe his lies. She will eventually begin to think that she is all that he says and more. This is verbal abuse.

Fortunately, there is a way to fight it. Once the victim begins to see the abuse, when she begins to recognize the abuse for what it is, when she realizes that he is simply putting her down to cover his own insecurities, she will then have the ability to fight the lies. She will have the ability to learn to refuse to accept his hurting words. She will have the ability to learn to say, "NO, You can’t say that to or about me." By doing so, she will find that he is basically a schoolyard bully who only picks on those who are smaller than he is (notice I did not use the word "weaker." I don't think a woman is weak in this situation, which I will explain later).

I was verbally and emotionally abused. For fourteen years I was married to a man who berated me daily, told me I was too old to go back to school and earn a degree, too fat to get a job, too stupid to raise our children “right,” too lazy to clean the house and do the laundry, and on and on. I learned to refuse to accept his lies. I learned to tune out his hurtful words. I want to share those techniques with you, and give you resources to find the ways to break free from the abuse that you or someone you know and love are suffering. I was able to get out of the situation and today I am strong and independent.
Most of what I will share with you initially is information that I learned from reading several books that I will tell you about. I will give you ways to respond to him that will eventually take back what he has taken from you; this is something I call your "self." When you learn that he is saying these things only because he wants to have "power over" you, that he wants to take away what is called your "personal power," you will find yourself hungry to hear more, read more, learn more. And you will suddenly realize that you are angry, not only with him for inflicting this pain upon you, but also angry with yourself for allowing it to happen. I will show you how to use your anger effectively, to turn it into your friend, and to make it help you break free.
Read on below and take the quiz to see if your relationship is verbally abusive. Yes, it is painful sometimes to face reality. It is painful to suddenly realize that the man who says he loves you actually has no concept of love. It is painful to learn that you have lost those months and years to his nonsense, but it is wonderful to learn that you have so much ahead of you. It is wonderful to learn that you are worth so much and that you have so much to share with the world. I hope you join me. May you have peace.

Take the Abuse Quiz!

This is a list of abusive behaviors that you (or your "friend") might be experiencing right now. Look at this list; be honest with your answers. No one else is looking. Don’t answer them with, "yes, but. . ." Just answer yes or no to these questions. Then we'll talk about them at the bottom.

Does your spouse or significant other:

1. hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
2. threaten to hurt you or your children?
3. threaten to hurt friends or family members?
4. have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
5. behave in an overprotective manner?
6. become jealous without reason?
7. prevent you from seeing family or friends?
8. prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
9. prevent you from working or attending school?
10. destroy personal property or sentimental items?
11. deny you access to family assets (bank accounts, credit cards, or the car)?
12. control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
13. force you to have sex against your will?
14. force or manipulate you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
15. insult you or call you derogatory names?
16. use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
17. humiliate you in front of your children?
18. turn minor incidents into major arguments?
19. abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
20. withhold affection from you?

Now, if you were honest and answered them truthfully, here is a statement that might shock you.

If you answered YES to even ONE of those questions,

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!

I realize that you may have said, "well, yes, but he does it because he loves me, or because he worries about me, or he doesn't realize he's doing it." I want to take each one of those "justifications" and show you why it's just an excuse.

First of all, there is never any acceptable reason for physically hurting you. Not "oh I didn't mean to" or "you just took it wrong." Not even "it was an accident," especially if it happens repeatedly.

As far as threats are concerned, threats are a means to coerce you into submission to what HE wants you to do. No human should be forced into doing anything they don't want to do. If he threatens to hurt you or your children or your family or even your pet, he is trying to MAKE you do what he wants. There is no acceptable excuse in the world to justify that one.

If he's prone to outbursts of anger and jealousy, these are also methods of "keeping you in line." He knows that you will adjust YOUR behavior in an attempt to prevent HIM from acting in such a way. Being overprotective is simply a way to control what you do, by saying "oh I just don't want you to get hurt." You are a big girl. You can handle yourself - he just wants you to think you can't.

If he is preventing you from seeing family or friends, or from going to school or work, this is a means to keep you to himself, away from their positive influence. He knows deep inside that if you find out there is a normal world out there, he will probably lose his control over you. So he says "those people are crazy; they just want to hurt you/us; they just don't like me; they're trying to poison you against me." Sound familiar?

Breaking or throwing away your things is a way to hurt you. He knows what you care about, so he will mess it up. Plain and simple. Imagine working hours on a term paper, only to go to the store and come back to find the computer inexplicably turned off and nothing saved. It's all calculated to make you nuts!

Controlling finances and making you account for every penny is just more of the same. He is showing you "who's the boss." You know you are perfectly capable of balancing that checkbook, but he turns it around into a federal case if you ask to do it, saying you don't trust him.

Forcing you to have sex against your will, or do things that you don't feel comfortable with, insulting you, calling you names, making fun of you in public - these are all ways to make you subconsciously feel like you are not good enough. These are things that chip away at your inner self and eventually make you think, well maybe he's right.

But let me tell you: he's not. He is so wrong. You are a human being, and as a human being you have rights and freedoms. You have the right to be loved and to be respected; you have the right to come and go when you want and where you want. You have the right to have friends and family - - and the right spend time with them as well. You are not his personal property. There is nothing right about threatening you, or making fun of you, or forcing you to do things you don't want - or not letting you do things you DO want to do.

This is very important: You may have said, "Yes, he does this or that, but it's only because he loves me, or because he is afraid of what might happen to me." In a healthy relationship, your partner will encourage and support and trust you that you can handle yourself, that you will not go off with another man, that you can make grown-up decisions. For example, this weekend I am going off to Kentucky (we live in Dallas) to meet for the first time two wonderful friends that I have been writing to for quite some time now. We are going to have fun, act like silly teenagers, and enjoy meeting each other face to face. My hubby is completely supportive of this trip. His only caution has been "don't forget to take lots of pictures - it's beautiful out there this time of year." My ex-husband would not even let me go see my family, who lived six hours away from us. What I am trying to say is that in a healthy relationship, there is no need for either partner to be worried about the other being unfaithful, or hoarding money, or lying or any of those things he accuses you of. In a healthy relationship there is love, respect, trust and laughter, not control, manipulation, mistrust, and uncertainty.
If you see yourself in any of this, or if you have a "Friend" who might see herself in these descriptions, please read on.

The Truth about ThreatsAuthor: Laura Wilkinson

Verbal abusers use the power of threats to control their victims. I know. My ex used to threaten me daily with a vast variety of "you'd better... or I'll... " He had his favorites. He would threaten to leave, and take the kids with him. He would threaten to "fix" my car so I couldn't go anywhere. He would threaten to burn my clothes, again to prevent me leaving. He would tell me he was going to rip the telephone out if I talked to certain people on the phone. When I finally decided to go back to school, he threatened to burn my books and homework. I'm sure you are also experiencing some of these, or variations on them.

The thing about threats is this: they are JUST THREATS. Think of every movie you've ever seen that has some kind of bully in it. Now think of the "good guy" who ends up standing up to the bully. What happens? THE BULLY GIVES IN. The typical abuser is just a scared little boy in a man's body. Generally speaking, if you call his bluff, he won't do much of what he's been threatening to do all this time. He may create a new threat, but once the old threats lose their "oomph" he goes on to a new one.


**IMPORTANT NOTE: The afore-mentioned logic about calling others' bluffs applies to probably 90 out of 100 verbal abusers. There are always exceptions, and if you are living with one of them, by now you already KNOW he will follow through with his threats. If your partner is one whose threats turn to action, you need to seek safety IMMEDIATELY when you are threatened, because the verbal abuse WILL escalate to physical abuse very quickly.**

For example: my ex told me that he didn't want me to have this one certain friend. He said she was the reason our marriage was in such a mess. Our friendship was based on our two daughters being in the same Girl Scout troop (of which I was the leader). He told me that if he found out I'd been talking to her, he'd "fix" my car so it wouldn't start. So for several weeks, I avoided her, making excuses as to why I couldn't go have coffee with her, etc. For that time, our marriage was very "honeymoon," all because he had once again gotten his way. Finally, I decided that there was simply no reason for me NOT to have this friend, since she really had no influence on me one way or the other, so I began seeing her again. He found out, and again mentioned "fixing" the car. I told him, "Go ahead. I'll walk or take the bus, or I'll get YOUR FRIEND (who was a mechanic) to help me fix it."

Now, a funny thing happened when I did that. He simply STOPPED talking about the car! He didn't touch it. I got to thinking about it, and I realized that once the threat lost it's power over me (by telling him SURE GO AHEAD), he no longer used that threat. Oh, he found other ways to torment me, but not with that particular one!

So what I did was this: one by one, I began calling his bluff on some of his threats, basically conducting almost an experiment to see just how far I could go. And do you know, before I was done, nearly all of his threats were just so much smoke? It was amazing. He didn't threaten to burn my books after I told him that I could just get new ones - BETTER ones even! He didn't threaten to burn my clothes any more once I pointed out that I needed new clothes anyway. He no longer threatened to rip out the telephone when I told him the neighbor had already agreed to allow me use her phone. As for the big one, "I'm leaving and taking the kids with me," it was the scariest and worst gamble. I solved that one by showing him all the diapers and baby bottles and medicines and all the STUFF that he should not forget to take with him to take care of a year-old baby, a three-year old toddler, and a six-year old in kindergarten. I recently told a very dear friend whose husband is threatening to take her kids away from her that unless he can prove her unfit (such as drug or alcohol abuse, or neglect or something of that nature) there are few if any states in this country who will give the kids to the father over the mother. It just doesn't happen. Once she got past that fear, the rest is fairly easy!

The thing I'm trying to get at here is this: a bully uses his words to exert power over you. When you take away that power, he loses that weapon. He may create new ones, but stay with it and eventually you will see that he is just a scared little boy, using his threats to make you do what he wants.

Specific Abuser Tactics:

Author: Laura Wilkinson
First of all, let me say that every single bit of information that you will read here is from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I have repeatedly mentioned this book and highly recommend that you read it. It is THE book that "set me free" above all else. Credit must be given to Mrs. Evans, because it was her words that turned on MY "lightbulb." I hope she does the same for you.
Diverting

The behavior that my own ex was especially skillful at is called "diverting," or "blocking." This is the one where you ask what you consider a simple, forthright question, and suddenly find yourself in the middle of a verbal battle and ON THE DEFENSIVE. For example, one evening I had scheduled a group study at the home of a friend, so I reminded him in the morning not to be late, since I could not take the kids with me. Of course, he didn't get home until after midnight. So when he walked in, I asked him "Why did you not come home? I told you I was supposed to go over to Mary's house" etc. Instead of answering my question with "I had to work" or even "I didn't feel like coming home" he started telling me about how I didn't trust him to have a few beers with the guys, why did I always give him the third degree, that I always got to go and do what I wanted... and here I am, denying all of it, saying "oh no, honey I didn't mean it that way; I only meant that we had a study group tonight and I thought I told you this morning." Etc etc ad nauseum.

You see? He was clearly responsible for me not making it to the study group, and yet I found myself feeling guilty for even considering going, and explaining (yet again) what I really meant by the question! This is a typical abuser tactic; DIVERT attention away from himself, from the real issue, BLOCK the fact that it is absolutely, without a doubt, HIS FAULT. He has successfully redirected your attention away from the fact that he was wrong, and put you on the defensive.

So what do you do? It's very simple, really. But so very hard. You just wait until he's done ranting, then look at him and calmly, clearly ask the question again! "Why did you not come home like I asked you to?" He will of course continue to go on and on, but wait - then ask it again. DO NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to explain your question, don't tell him why you are asking it, don't even rephrase it (sometimes we wonder if maybe he didn't understand the question - believe me, he did). Just calmly, firmly repeat your question until he either answers it or he tells you he's not going to answer it (that is not diverting - you have an answer, even if it's not the one you wanted). Of course, you may have to just give it up, knowing that he doesn't want to answer, but at least you have not fallen into the trap that he has set for you, where you are denying that you don't trust him, that you "just wanted to go over to Mary's." You are not explaining yourself, trying to make him understand you. It takes practice, but it's very much worth the effort, the concentration.

Try it next time. Just for fun. See what happens. This particular tactic on your part won't threaten him any more than anything else you do, but it will give you a sense of power that you have not "lost" this one battle. You have not begun to explain your question, why you need to know, or why it is important to you. And when you start to feel somewhat powerful, the rest will come easier and easier!

Accusing

Most abusers have a favorite tactic, one that they use consistently. This seems to be one that I hear a lot of: the accusation. Have you ever had to "convince" your partner that you have not been having an affair with someone, or that when you go to your mom's that you are REALLY going to your mom's, and not meeting an old boyfriend? These accusations seem ridiculous to us. A simple trip to the grocery store becomes an ordeal. Here is a personal example from my own experience and every word of it true: When we first got together I shopped at the same grocery store all the time, saw the same faces, said hello to the same people all the time. There was one bag-boy who always spoke to me in particular, and one day he asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I just told him "my husband probably wouldn't like that," and that was the end of it. I still shopped there, and he still spoke to me. We moved away for several years, and when we moved back, I began shopping at the same store. Well, the "bagboy" was now an assistant manager. I went home and said, "Guess who's moving up in the world!" My (ex)husband said, "Who?" so I told him the story of the bagboy who had asked me out. Bad move. From that moment on, I could not go to the store without being accused of sneaking into the stockroom for a quickie! And there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to convince him of how ridiculous that was. I would take the kids with me, and be accused of leaving them with a friend on the way and telling them to lie for me!

If this or something similar has happened to you, then you know what I am talking about. Things that to you and I are simply everyday, ordinary things become ordeals to be explained, explained, and explained yet again. And we sit there, dumbfounded, wondering where in the world did he come up with that?! Fortunately, Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, gives us some ideas on how to respond to these insane accusations.

When your spouse accuses of you of something, our first HUMAN response is to deny it. Denying only serves to "prove him right," at least in his mind. So, what you must do is this: DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE the accusation. Just calmly tell him "I don't have to listen to this." Calmly is the key! Don't deny or confirm one way or the other - just tell him you do not have to listen to it. I can tell you, it's hard not to automatically say, "No, I'm not having an affair." All that does is give him fuel for the argument; he says yes you are and you say no I'm not.. and so it goes. It doesn't matter whether you are or aren't; that's not why he says it. He says it because it provokes you and gives him a response from you! It's all about controlling you and getting you in a tizzy.

Stand your ground, and don't deny/confirm. Eventually he will give up or start an argument about something else.. but guess what.. you can STILL use the same tactic. "I don't have to listen to this." It works for a number of things. But it does take practice and perseverance.

Withholding and Teasing - Two other major weapons in the abuser's arsenal are withholding and teasing. Let's look at each one:

Withholding

How many times have you been given the cold shoulder, the "silent treatment" that we all know so well? And you simply cannot figure out what it was that you did that triggered it? And no matter what you say or do, he still just ignores you. This is called withholding, and is very damaging to one's self-esteem. Withholding, simply put, is where he refuses to share his thoughts and dreams with you, where he clams up and you become non-existent. Over time, this makes you feel as though you are a ghost in your own home.

"A relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy...The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one party is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way." This is right out of Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. And it pretty well sums it up. What she's saying is that any given relationship TAKES TWO. In the abusive relationship, it's strictly a one-way street.

The way Evans says to react to this is simple. Instead of following him around (as I did) trying to get some response, instead of making his "favorite" dinner to try to get a thank you, instead of sitting through the long hours of silence, this is what you do. Get up, and clearly & firmly say to him, "I am feeling very bored with your company." Then leave the room. It may or may not do anything, but at least YOU are in control of the "conversation" and are not being subjected to complete silence.

Teasing

Teasing is where he finds something that really bothers us, for example our weight or the way we cook. Then he makes "jokes" about it, in public, to his buddies or even your friends. "Oh she's a big 'un, but I still love her." Or the old favorite around my house, "I know dinner's ready when the smoke alarm goes off." There is a distinct difference between this and true good-natured teasing. With good-natured teasing (in a healthy relationship), it doesn't usually feel like a personal attack, and they stop when you tell them it hurts your feelings, even apologize for going too far. In the abusive relationship, this type of "teasing" is meant to be hurtful and vindictive, and is a definite violation of your boundaries - and if you tell him this, ask him to stop, he gets worse.

The way Evans says we can combat this type of tactic is to say to him, "I'm wondering, now that you have (put me down)(laughed at me)(made fun of me)(interrupted me), do you feel more important? I'd like you to think about it." Then leave the room, disengage. DO NOT continue the conversation. He may well try to continue the conversation, make further disparaging remarks, but you just leave the room.

Discounting and Trivializing

Discounting is a very common abuser tactic. He says something that hurts your feelings, and when you tell him that, he says "Oh you take things too seriously." This is a direct assault on your person. He said it, you don't like it, but he doesn't think you are important enough to "take it back." So what do you do? First of all, don't ask WHY did he say that. That is not the issue (he said it because it will elicit the response HE WANTS from you). Don't try to make him understand that it "isn't nice to say that." He doesn't care. What you have to do is this: tell him to "STOP IT. Don't talk to me like that." PERIOD. End of conversation. Now he may attempt to continue the conversation, but tell him AGAIN.

The idea behind this is to let him know "that you hold him responsible and know that his beliefs are not your beliefs" (from Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 142). Even though it may not actually make sense to respond to him in this manner, it is not the USUAL response that he EXPECTS to hear; for that reason it is effective.

Trivializing is similar. The difference is that he makes light of what you have accomplished, or ignores it completely and focuses on what is NOT done. Sound familiar? When he does this, just tell him something like "I've heard all I want to hear from you." Don't bother trying to explain how much fun it was to make the gorgeous cake for the kids' party; don't try to tell him how much work it was to rearrange the living room. Just know that you did a great job and don't be bothered with him.

Discounting and trivializing tactics both are attempts to make you think that what you feel and what you have done are not important, that what YOU do and feel are somehow LESS than what he does and feels. This is simply not true, as you know. Do not allow him to make you feel like you need to explain your every accomplishment or your feelings.

Name-calling, Ordering, and Undermining

Name-calling is very common among abuser tactics. You have probably heard them all, so I won't list them. This is considered "an invasion of your boundaries" (from Patrica Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 147). She also says that since this attack is "outrageously abusive" you should answer the attack with outrage. TELL HIM TO STOP IT. Tell him "DON'T EVER CALL ME NAMES." Don't tell him WHY, that it hurts your feelings or makes you feel bad, just TELL HIM TO STOP. Ordering is another means of relegating you to the level of "nonperson." By telling you what to do he is attempting to put himself above you. When he begins this behavior, tell him "I don't follow orders" or "Exactly who are you giving orders to?" And by golly do NOT do whatever he's ORDERING you to do.

Undermining is where you are excited about something, say you saw a great movie, and you are talking about it, giving your opinion, and he says, "oh it's just a stupid movie." This makes you think that maybe your opinion doesn't count. Other things he might say that might sound familiar are: "Nobody asked you" or "You just don't understand" or (my ex's favorite) "What makes you think you're so smart?" He would follow that remark with a sarcastic "Oh yeah.. you are going to COLLEGE, aren't you!" These remarks are a direct attack on your self-esteem. Just tell him, "I don't like your attitude" or, my own personal favorite response "I'm not having any fun with you. I'm going to go do such & such."

The main idea here is that you do NOT have to accept any of this. You may not be able to STOP the abuse, but you can refuse to accept it. Do not be a part of it. Do not respond with your "usual" - throw him a curveball.


Emotional Abuse - The Rearranging of One's Mind
Author: Cheryl Lewis

This has honestly been the most gut wrenching article I have ever written. If you are being emotionally, verbally or psychologically abused I hope that you will find help. If you know someone who is being abused and are looking for help for them I am sure you will find wonderful resources through this event.

Emotional abuse is one type of abuse that can truly scar your mind and soul forever if you allow it to. It is the one abuse that leaves all of its scars on the inside where they are not visible to the people around you. If you are physically abused or sexually abused the physical hurts heal. The emotional abuse that you endure from these abuses are what is left behind to deal with. I hope that you will find helpful resources from the links that I am including for this article.

Emotional abuse comes in many different forms. It can be subtle and hard for others to see. I t is a systematic way for an abuser to control their victim. Verbal/Emotional abuse can be both passive and active. Passive abuse would be along the lines of neglect or intentionally withholding love and affection or praise for things that are well done. Active abuse is deliberate humiliation and belittling to hurt feelings and destroy self-worth and self-respect. Either form is just as horrendous. It can also be constant or occasional. It doesn't matter if it is occasional it is still abuse.

If you are being emotionally abused but think you are doing a good job of hiding it from your kids, think again. If your children are very young they may not understand what is actually going on, but as they grow they will eventually know what emotional abuse is. They will live it too. They will eventually suffer from this abuse even if they are not direct recipients of it. It appears that emotional abusers will often begin to abuse their own children at some point. The scars of a child who has been emotionally abused are long suffering and can lead to permanant imparement. If you are living with a spouse or intimate partner who is systematically breaking you down by emotional abuse, your children will be affected. The potential for scars on your children's lives is incredibly high. Emotional abuse prepares and conditions a child to expect abuse in their adult lives. This can lead to physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse for your child as an adult and has just as much potential to lead to the same for their children. Emotional abuse if often a repeated behavior.

If you assume that you are not being abused because your partner has never actually hit you then you are wrong. If you are being constantly belittled, called bad names, if you cannot express your feelings or things that are bothering you, if you feel obligated to have sex, and your relationship swings wildly between euphoric and hellish, and most importantly if you are afraid of your partner, then you ARE being abused. Are you made to feel that everything that goes wrong in your partner's life is your fault and your responsibility to fix? This a co-dependant lifestyle indicative of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is designed to make the victim feel tremendous guilt, feelings of powerlessness, fear and dependancy. It is a repetitive behavior that uses those feelings to destroy any self-worth and self-respect. These are the very feelings that will lead a victim into believing that there is no way out or no way to make their life better. It is also an easy abuse to imitate which leads me back to the point of our children. They will be affected one way or another.

If you feel you must stay in this relationship and survive with your mind, heart and soul intact you will need to learn how to cope. This is not an easy task. You will need to create a web of support. Most likely that web will have to remain somewhat of a secret. If you tell your partner that you have a support system they may go to great lengths to dissolve that support system. They will most likely belittle you for needing the system in the first place. They may begin to control your finances with a tight reign in order to control where you go and when. They may even try to alienate you from any friend or family member they perceive as a threat to their control over you. A support system will be viewed as a threat, thus the reason for keeping it secretive. I am not saying that you should not tell your partner where your going or who you are talking to, just be prepared for an interogation. Have your answers ready and do not allow yourself to be involved in a railroaded conversation where your words will be turned on you. Keep your explanations simple and do not lie. For example, if you are talking with your friend Jane on the phone and you talk about the weather somewhere in the conversation you can tell your partner you were talking about the weather. I know it may not seem like it is right but you must have some support somewhere. If you do not have some place that you can lay out your feelings and discuss them they will eventually lead to physical symptoms.

There are lots of places on the internet to connect with support systems (see resources at end of article).

If you are planning an escape from an abusive relationship there are things you will need to know in order to do it. If you are planning to leave be as sure as you can be that you are ready to end the relationship. I do not think you can ever be 100% sure about leaving a partner. If you do end up going back you will only be repeating the cycle that exists within abusive relationships. Those phases are:

1. Tension Building
2.Incident
3.Reconciliation
4.Calm

and then it starts all over again. This cycle may be a long cycle or a short one. I think you will find over time that the cycle time becomes shorter and shorter until it becomes difficult to see the cycle. If you try to end the relationship your abuser will more than likely try to convince you that it is your fault that this happens, you can't make it without them or promise to change, or possibly all of the above. A partner may even try to scare you into staying in the relationship by threatening to take away your children. You will need to be sure and have all important information for your children.

I cannot tell how you difficult I found this article to be. I have not even begun to make this article as strong as I would have preferred. I am trying to be a source of information and help. There is NO ONE who can make your decisions for you. Only you can decide how to best handle your abusive situation. Whatever you decide has to be right for YOU not your abuser, mother, brother, sister or friends - - only YOU.


You know what is right for your kids too. They are a part of you!


Good luck to each of you searching for help!


INTERNET RESOURCES:

• W.I.N. - Women In Need. They are a domestic and international non-profit group dedicated to helping women of all ages in abusive situations. They have resources available and also a chat category. I think most women will find this site helpful. They also have a category for children.

• Another great web resource is Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site which also features an anonymous discussion forum called "Trubble's Catbox."

• If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
  Help is also available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.
  
  Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.

 
Recommended Reading:

Simply click the linked title to view on Amazon.com. You can often read the first chapter free online and many of these titles are available used at a discount. Better yet, check them out FREE from your local public library!

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie.
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan Miller PhD.
Before It's Too Late: Helping Women in Controlling or Abusive Relationships by Robert Jackerman and Susan Pickering.
Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know by Al Miles.
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women by Susan Brewster.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

Is it Over Yet? (Dealing with Complex PTSD)

You and I may have our own opinions about which kinds of trauma impact survivors the most, have the most lasting effects, or are the most difficult to deal with. What types of injuries take the longest to heal -- physical or emotional? Sorry ... I'm not going to even ATTEMPT to answer that question at the moment. There's no doubt, however, that even once a wound heals, it can still cause pain (whether physical OR emotional). Interestingly enough, even the US military recognizes that just because a traumatic event may be "over" doesn't mean the effects of that trauma are "over."

(Quotes from articles in blue, my comments in black & any bold added by me for emphasis):

In an article by Sarah Williams Volf,  I read:

"For many military personnel the fighting does not end in the combat zone. Many returning service members face increased anxiety, sleepless nights, and rapid flashbacks that can immediately take them back to the combat field. It is also a fact that many individuals will not seek help out of fear of being stigmatized. Some may not be diagnosed until 10-20 years after their time in the Army; this can be particularly true for those serving in Vietnam. The symptoms of PTSD can arise suddenly, gradually or may come and go over time. It is imperative to get help. Avoidance will ultimately harm your relationship and quality of life. There are many professional and organizations that will provide excellent resources for you."

She's right.  PTSD can wreak havoc on one's life, both literally and figuratively.  And soldiers aren't the only ones who don't want to seek help out of fear of being stigmatized.  Who wants the label of  "mentally ill"  being applied to them? I know I sure don't!  The military has gradually provided more support to veterans that suffer from PTSD over the years, but even within the military, physical trauma still trumps emotional trauma when it comes to veterans being taken seriously and receiving the vital treatment and support services that they need. In fact, according to an article by Conn Hallinan, the Pentagon went so far as to decide not to award the purple heart to veterans who were "only" suffering from PTSD.  Hallinan goes on to explain:

"The official rationale for refusing to honor what is widely considered the "signature wound" of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is that PTSD, according to Pentagon spokeswoman Eileen Lainez, is "an anxiety disorder caused by experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event," not "a wound intentionally caused by the enemy."

So, following that "logic," if a bomb is "accidentally" dropped in the wrong place and wounds or kills someone "unintentionally," then those wounds or deaths wouldn't be all that important?!

"The military has made little effort to deal with PTSD and MTBI (Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, a condition caused by being near where a bomb goes off. Its symptoms are virtually indistinguishable from PTSD).

Soldiers suffering from PTSD outnumber amputees at Walter Reed Hospital 43 to 1, but there is no PTSD center (yet they opened a multi-million dollar amputee center there  in 2007).

After diagnosis, PTSD sufferers usually go to the hospital's psych ward, where they are housed with bipolar and schizophrenic patients and tanked up with drugs. A study by Veterans for America (VFA) found that some soldiers were taking up to 20 different medications at once, some of which canceled out others."

PTSD and MTBI both result from deployment in combat zones. Large numbers of these soldiers were exposed to IEDs - but many didn't suffer visible injuries. To make "shedding blood" the only criterion for being awarded a Purple Heart (and the benefits that go with it) is to deny the nature of the wars the United States is currently fighting."
-------------------------------------------------------
Why am I even bringing this up?  Because I feel that it's unfair to expect someone who has survived over a decade of extreme emotional and sexual trauma to be able to simply "bounce back" immediately and function at a "normal" level.  Although the military may not deal with emotional trauma as effectively as it deals with physical injuries, soldiers returning from even one year in combat are still expected to need intensive counseling and are given a considerable period of time for recovery and readjustment. 

How is it then, that after nearly 15 years in a horrifyingly abusive relationship, I am somehow expected to simply set aside the flashbacks, the body memories, the nightmares, and just "get on with my life?"  Why can't people understand how crippling it is for a woman to endure an abusive relationship for years on end, with no hope of there being any end in sight?

In the army, at least you know who the enemy is and they don't switch sides.  In an abusive relationship, however, a woman must often rely on "the enemy" for sustenance.  Just to survive, she must learn to read her partner's every cue (both verbal and non-verbal), anticipate his responses, meet his every need, and obey his every command.  She constantly tiptoes across a tenuous tightrope, never sure if today is the day her partner will bring home flowers or ambush her by bringing home another woman and expect her to cooperate in some twisted sexual fantasy that he has conjured up.

Women in abusive relationships live in a combat zone every day . . . and must sleep with the enemy every night. 

There is no rest.  There is no hope.  There is no help.

There is only SURVIVAL.

They are constantly threatened -- threatened with physical harm, threatened with financial abandonment, threatened with embarrassment, threatened with annihilation, threatened with humiliation, and, perhaps worst of all, threatened with harm to or separation from their children.  They are ridiculed, tormented, and tortured.  They rarely know when an attack will occur, how severe it will be, or how long it will last. In the back of their minds, they often wonder, "will this be the time he finally kills me?"  And for some, the thought of death at his hands almost sounds like a blessed reprieve from the hell they endure day in and day out. 

What makes domestic abuse that much more damaging and painful is that, quite frequently, an abuser may treat his partner rather nicely on occasion.  He's not a "monster" 100% of the time.  If that were the case, it might be easier for women caught in the crippling cycle of domestic abuse to seek help.   However, men who are sadistically abusive at home can often behave as the "perfect gentleman" when in public.  They may be described by friends and coworkers as "such a nice guy."  And if a woman dares to disclose even a portion of what is going on at home, she is frequently dismissed as yet another "disgruntled housewife" who is just "looking for attention."

Strangers aren't the only ones who fall for abusers' "nice guy routines."  My ex-husband could be very charming when he wanted to be.  He'd buy me flowers, offer to fix supper, bring me breakfast in bed, etc.  Sometimes all it would take was an insincere "I'm sorry" from him or a small trinket he'd grab on his way home from work and I'd allow myself to believe that perhaps he had really changed for the better. 

From speaking with other domestic violence survivors, I know that I am definitely not alone in this.  Even the slightest acts of kindness from the abuser give a woman a false sense of hope that maybe things will be alright from now on.  She lets herself think that maybe the war is over and may "come out of hiding" for a minute.  Exhausted, she lets down her guard and dares to trust just a little.  Just when she thinks it might be safe, she is blind-sided by another wave of abuse -- and this cycle is repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.  For years and years. Until the days and weeks and months all blend together into a discombobulated blur of nothingness.  There is no one to tell her that there might be a way of escape. No one to tell her that what is happening is not her fault. The only thing she can do is try to survive.

Just try to survive. 

I'm reminded of the stories of Japanese soldiers that didn't know World War II was over (from an article by Cecil Adams):

"In early 1945 Japan had about three million troops overseas, about a third of them dug in on islands throughout the Pacific. These men were thoroughly indoctrinated in the warrior's code of Bushido, which held that it was better to die than to surrender — and by God, that's what they did. Of 23,000 Japanese soldiers on Iwo Jima, for example, 21,000 were killed and just 200 captured. Only after Emperor Hirohito ordered his forces to surrender following the dropping of the atom bomb did Japanese troops give themselves up in massive numbers.

In an era before the pocket pager, however, not everybody got the message. Many Japanese soldiers had been cut off from the main army during the Allies' island-hopping campaign and continued to resist. Sporadic fighting continued for months and in some cases years after the formal surrender. Two hundred Japanese soldiers were captured on the island of Mindanao in the Philippines in 1948, some others surrendered on an island north of Saipan in 1951, and a few hard-core types didn't surface until the 1970s and later.

One much-publicized case was Lieutenant Hiroo Onoda. He had been stationed on Lubang Island in the Philippines when it was overrun by U.S. forces in February 1945. Most of the Japanese troops were slain or captured, but Onoda and several other men holed up in the jungle. The others were eventually killed, but Onoda held out for 29 years, dismissing every attempt to coax him out as a ruse. Finally the Japanese government located his commanding officer, who went to Lubang in 1974 to order Onoda to give up. The lieutenant stepped out of the jungle to accept the order of surrender in his dress uniform and sword, with his rifle still in operating condition.

Onoda was hailed as a hero in Japan, as was another holdout, Shoichi Yokoi, who surrendered in 1972 after decades in the jungles of Guam. Yokoi's comment to his countrymen: "It is with much embarrassment that I return." He felt he'd let down the side! That's Japan for you: good on stick-to-itiveness, maybe not so good on midcourse corrections. Not to encourage slackers, but there's such a thing as knowing when to quit."

So . . .  here I am.  The war is over, but I don't fully know it just yet.  I'm still "wandering around in the jungle," so to speak.  Sort of.  On an intellectual level, I suppose, I realize that the abuse isn't happening anymore. However, my bodily response to external stimuli (or internal for that matter), doesn't always reflect that realization and still sometimes "does its own thing" without warning (i.e. heart races, hyperventilate, stop breathing, urinate, cold sweat, shaking, etc).  My emotions don't always realize that it's over either -- especially when my abuser is still able to manipulate and harass me from afar via the phone and internet/email (not to mention toying with my children's emotions during & between visitations as well as continuing to torment us all via the legal system). 
 
Maybe there are simply gallons of tears "stored up" somewhere that I never got to cry & I've simply "stashed it all away" for safe-keeping.  They have to come out sometime, and I can't always predict when that's going to be.  Every now and then I'll just start bawling for no apparent reason and gush like a freaking baby.  Really, it's quite pathetic!  Other times I'm able to hold back my emotional & physical responses to stressors, but that containment process requires such an enormous amount of energy that I don't have any brain cells left to process all of the basic daily information I'm bombarded with at work & at home (sometimes leaving me a virtual vegetable, intellectually speaking). 

How do I cope?  I write myself notes.  Lots and lots of notes.  :o)

People sometimes get irritated with me for emailing them (they say, "Why can't you just pick up the phone and call me?").  But honestly, sometimes email is the only way I can keep track of who I've talked to, when I talked to them last, and what we have and have not spoken about.  I can't always remember telephone conversations or times when I speak to someone in person. Verbal conversations often simply float right out of my head (especially if I'm doing several things at once when someone speaks to me; and chances are, if I'm awake, I'm doing at least 3-4 things at once).  But if a "conversation" is written down, I can read it several times and/or refer to it later and remind myself of what was said, to whom, and when. 

I'm terrified to tell anyone that I'm having this much difficulty concentrating, though.  I don't want anybody thinking I've "lost it" and shipping me off to the "loony bin."  So I write my adorable little post-it notes, I work my 50 hours a week, I scramble to fit a therapy session in every now & then when I can, and I do my best to "function normally."

Deep down, I can't help but wonder, though . . . if my arm or leg were mangled, would someone expect me to run a marathon? 

[Begin sarcasm] BUT, Since it's only my psyche that's mangled, though, I guess it's okay to expect me to not only solve my own problems, but to solve other people's problems as well.  It's not at all unreasonable to ask me to have it all figured out by now and to get on with my life as though nothing has happened.  After all, isn't it all about putting one's mind over matter?  Apparently, I'm just not trying hard enough. 
[End sarcasm]

Please don't judge me, my words, my thoughts, my feelings, my level of functioning, or the way I communicate based on your upbringing, your education, your life experience, and/or your belief system.

You were not in combat with me. 

You didn't lie beside me in a puddle of your own blood, urine, and/or vomit, trying to nurse and soothe a terrified infant while being raped. 

You didn't cringe in silence when he brought the butcher knife into the bedroom . . . and you didn't secretly wish he would finally use it to put you out of your misery.


You didn't barricade yourself and your children in the bedroom, desperately moving furniture in front of the door while he split it apart to force his way in.

You didn't have to provide sexual favors in order to procure money to provide for the basic needs of your family.

You didn't stay up for hours on end preparing your abuser a meal from scratch in the middle of the night because ravaging you had caused him to "work up an appetite" . . . and then have to clean up the broken glass and food when he threw it at you because he changed his mind and decided he "was in the mood for something else." You didn't have to stay up even longer to cook him something else, only to hand him the plate and be informed that the "something else" he really wanted is you.  You didn't have to stand there as it dawned on you that "round two" was on its way, whether you liked it or not . . . and maybe round three . . . or four.
Please don't take this to mean that I am discounting any part of your experience. You may have had a great deal of pain in your life as well.  You may have had your share of sorrow.  Your experiences might have been just as bad as mine . . . or maybe even worse.  I do not know.  I could not know, even if you told me . . . because: 

Your experience is yours, and my experience is mine. 

I can't begin to tell you what is right for you to feel or when it's right for you to feel it.
Likewise, I'd sincerely appreciate it if you would please stop telling me how I should feel or behave or how long I should feel or behave that way.  I "should myself to death" enough already.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Don't let PTSD win!

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Shit Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, emptied their lunchboxes, vacuumed, and swept the floors. I unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

Does Justice Even Exist? (Article/Rant)

I was talking tonight with another domestic violence survivor about the incredible shame of being sexually abused by our husbands. It's something that was so hard to talk about -- even just between the two of us.
I think one of the most difficult things was feeling so isolated and thinking to myself -- "nobody even knows what's happening to me." We got to talking about how, even now that we've LEFT our abusive relationships, it's so hard to open up and share with anyone such intimate details about our lives.

She expressed her relief that her children are protected by a no contact order because of their father's extreme physical violence. Tears filled my eyes. My children don't have that protection because he didn't physically abuse them. He "only" emotionally/psychologically and verbally abused them. He saved most of the hell for me. And unlike my friends' children, who can testify to their father's abuse, my children didn't witness most of what my Ex did to me (thank heavens; although my youngest told her therapist this week that she remembers him chasing me with a knife so now I'm freaking out because I didn't think she saw that and I'm wondering what ELSE they've seen that I THOUGHT they didn't see because I assumed they were "asleep in bed." ).

For the most part, when they're asked about things that I KNOW they saw, heard, experienced, etc, they claim that they "don't remember."  This is true of things that happened as recently as a year ago just before we left for shelter.  I honestly don't know if they really don't remember (because they dissociated or blocked it out) or if they're just too scared or embarrassed to talk about it. Either way, it's so hard for me because I feel like I'm struggling through this alone.  I went through hell FOR MY CHILDREN . . . and they don't even REMEMBER? I feel so bad for even saying that -- after all, shouldn't I be happy if they've been able to forget?  Why can't I forget?

One of the most frustrating things is that the legal system hasn't been a bit of help.  In fact, the way one judge treated me in court was worse than anything my husband had ever done to me -- I felt like I was being raped all over again (only this time in open court, in front of complete strangers).

When I first began to testify, I felt a slight sense of empowerment. I thought to myself, "FINALLY, I will get to tell what he has done to me. FINALLY, I will get some justice." Not in a million years. The judge sort of pretended to listen as I poured out my very soul.  Tears were streaming down my face (one of the few times I had been able to cry about it).  Then, with a sickening, condescending, and almost sarcastic tone, he said to me:

"Let me get this straight -- you say that your husband allegedly raped you repeatedly over the span of 15 years. Did you ever call the police? Did you go to the doctor? You expect me to believe that you went through all of this and yet not only didn't you tell anyone, but you stayed and had more children with this man? That just doesn't make sense. I'm dismissing your restraining order on the grounds that you have not proven to me why you would be afraid of this man. You have not shown me sufficient EVIDENCE to satisfy me that you are, in fact, in any real danger. During this most recent event, you claim that he threatened you with a belt, is that right?"

"Yes, your honor, " I said,  "In front of the children.  I have it recorded here if you want to listen to it."

"I don't need to hear it.  I'm not going to waste this courts time with this nonsense," the judge said, shuffling his papers,  "Am I supposed to believe that you thought he would actually follow through and spank a grown woman with a belt? Let's be serious now, really.  You can't possibly have been threatened by that.  Even IF I believed you, and even IF what you're telling me is true, no woman in her right mind would EVER have stayed with a man like that for 15 years if things were half as bad as you say they were. I think you're just another bitter woman looking for an easy way out of her marriage. Case dismissed."

And that was the end of the hearing. I hadn't even told the judge the HALF of it ... only just a few things that I had some degree of certainty about what date they'd happened (because of journal entries, medical records, etc). One my worst fears had come to pass -- the judge didn't believe me. (Either that or he did believe me and just didn't really care or want to be bothered.) So many incidents I have clear memory of bits and pieces of it, and I can MAYBE figure out roughly what YEAR it happened (based on how old the children were, where we were living, etc). 

All I can say is this, I guess I should have run screaming naked out into the street, blood running down my legs and all, after he hurt me.  Yep, that's it.  I should have left my children alone with him so I could go down to the emergency room and have some stranger swab me down and sew me up.  Or maybe I should have tried to tell my family what was going on . . . let's see, what would THAT conversation have sounded like? "Uh, hi Mom.  Yeah, it's hot and humid here too.  The kids are growing like weeds.  No, we haven't had much rain.  Oh, yes, I'm fine.  Enjoying getting held down and raped up the ass every now and then.  Oh, and did I mention that his latest thing is whipping me with a horse whip til I can barely walk?  Uh huh.  Weird, right?  So, how's Dad doing? Can't wait to see you guys next summer.  It'll be so fun to catch up on everything.  Like how made me strip down naked and sit in the corner of the bedroom all night and he'd walk by and spit on me and call me a whore, cunt, bitch, slut.  What's that?  Why did he do it?  Oh, I don't know.  He said he was sure I had cheated on him with the mailman because he saw a package had been delivered.  Yes Mom, I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, trying to get plenty of rest.  But it's hard when he wakes me up all the time and forces me to give him a blow job whenever he feels like it.  And you know what, Mom?  Last week he choked me til I almost passed out.  Maybe I did; I'm not really too sure.  So, I was wondering Mom, when you're baking a whole turkey, do you start basting it from the beginning, or do you wait until the end?  I'm stressing out about having Thanksgiving here, what with the new baby on the way and all.  Sure, he hits and kicks my stomach sometimes and says since I'm such a worthless fucking mother I shouldn't be allowed to have any more children. But I'm sure everything will be fine.  I could call the cops if it got really bad, right?"

Yeah, that was one conversation that would NEVER happen . . .

The "strange" thing is that every time I "let him" get away with hurting me, it got easier somehow.  And when I really stop and think about it, the last 4-5 years I didn't question him at all.  In fact, I went out of my way to ANTICIPATE what he would want so it would go easier or faster.  I think I just completely shut down and ceased to be a human being after awhile.  My soul was dead.  And truthfully, I don't know if I will ever be "normal" again . . .

Maybe the judge was right -- no woman in her right mind would have stayed so long. But who's to say that I was even CLOSE to being in my right mind after what he'd done to me for so many years?

Now I have nothing. No proof to speak of. I might have internal scars or old injuries, but I'm terrified of going to the OB-GYN. I haven't gone for over 5 years. I did have rectal surgery about 7 years ago to repair damage caused by his repeated anal rapes, but my ex husband claimed it was necessary because of extreme straining due to constipation while I was pregnant. And apparently that lame explanation was good enough for the doctor (and later for the judge).  Nobody questioned him.   

So yeah, don't talk to me about justice. Don't tell me how great America is. I feel like throwing up just thinking about it ... and realizing that he got away with it all completely scot free makes me wish I could spew chunks all over him. It would serve him right. God knows he made me suck him off until I threw up often enough. It would serve him right to get vomit all over HIM for once.

What really gets me is in the custody proceedings, the judge keeps going on and on about "equal parental rights" and how my husband deserves to be "returned to a normal parenting role as soon as possible."  Excuse me?  How can he be "returned" to something that NEVER EXISTED? He never HAD a normal parenting role (unless you consider screaming profanity at your children, accusing their mother of adultery in front of them, claiming off and on that you're not really their father, and threatening to leave them outside in the cold for hours "normal parenting"). 

HOW CAN A PSYCHOTIC, ABUSIVE MONSTER POSSIBLY HAVE ANY RIGHTS AS A PARENT? 

It blows my mind.  Pardon my language, but when it comes to domestic violence (particularly the less "visible," but in my opinion more painful and damaging types such as verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse), the court system in the United States is FUCKED UP!   Most states are only just BEGINNING to provide protection from obvious PHYSICAL assaults.  And EVEN THEN,  the bastards still often wind up getting joint custody of their children and eventually unsupervised visitation. 

I'm telling you, it's enough to make me want to give up and just go back.  At least when I was with him, I could protect my children from him.  I could take the brunt of it.  I could hold them afterwards and tell them it wasn't their fault, that "daddy doesn't mean it," and try to comfort them.  But now, they HAVE TO go see him WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT.  They have NO CHOICE . . . because he's the sperm donor.  And somehow, just because he has the ability to get an erection and blast a few sperm, he has the right to spend time with them until they're 17 (at which time, they can FINALLY tell him to go to hell if they so choose).

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!!! 

As an adult, I can say "this man is abusive.  He has hurt me.  I don't want to see him anymore" and I DON'T HAVE TO SEE HIM.  If he threatens or harasses me, I can call the police and have him arrested.  How is it that my children can clearly state to their therapists, their social worker, and EVEN TO THEIR FATHER that they DO NOT want to see him, that they're afraid of him, etc. but STILL the court can COMPEL them to be with him because it's his "right"?

I could just SCREAM; it's MADDENING.  How is a mother supposed to protect her children?  I can't go WITH them for visitation.  I've tried petitioning the court and gotten NOWHERE.  I don't have money for a lawyer, and the pro bono lawyer that has helped me out off and on isn't much help.  I won't complain, because I'm thankful for her assistance, but I'm not holding my breath that she will have any better luck than I have. 

It just makes me feel so sick inside.  It's like we've escaped hell, but I have to keep sending my children back into it . . . only now they're alone and I'm not even there to watch out for them. I'm happy for those who have gotten lucky and had good results in court.  But as far as I'm concerned, justice is a fantasy.  We will never be free of this man until he dies of old age.  And with our luck, he'll live to be 100.