Deep Inside This Armor (freewrite)

Someone commented to me at church the other day -- "You are so strong. I don't know how you do it, day after day, week after week." All I could think to say was, "If it weren't for the Lord carrying me, I don't think I'd make it through."

Sure, maybe I manage to SORT OF hold it together during church -- because I HAVE TO. If I let my eyes even slightly fill up with tears while I'm playing piano, I can't read the music . . . which HAS happened a few times. But I have to be careful not to let the "floodgates" open or I can't even see my hands or the piano keys. You might see me singing along to hymns in church, a slight smile on my face, and think "Wow, it's amazing how she can trust through all of this and still smile." Believe me, I don't always smile. And I don't always trust. There are a lot of things you don't see and hear . . .

You didn't see me collapse on my knees on the laundry room floor at 1 in the morning, sobbing into a pile of dirty clothes, crying out in desperation -- "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this. Help me, Jesus."

You didn't see me have to pull over and have to use my GPS navigation to tell me how to get home because I was crying so hard I had missed my exit. (Maybe you get lost all the time, but I usually DON'T. I normally pride myself on being "directionally gifted" and able to find my way around even in unfamiliar areas.) I had to sit there for a good 10  minutes and wait for the deluge to pass so that I could even SEE the little "blip" on my screen that showed my location and where I was supposed to go next. It took 15 minutes before it was safe for me to drive again.

You didn't hear me yelling at God after comforting one of my children after they'd woken up from a nightmare, my eyes filled up with tears as I pounded on my pillow, crying out to somebody . . . .anybody . . . . nobody . . . "WHY? It's not FAIR! It's not their fault. They didn't do anything wrong. Hurt me all you want, but don't do this to my kids! I know I've made my share of mistakes in life, Lord, but haven't we suffered enough yet? Please don't punish my children for my stupidity. It's NOT FAIR. It's just not fair!

You say that you're a just God, and that the righteous will never be forsaken. Is THIS your idea of JUSTICE? Where ARE you? I can't do this on my own. God, I need you! Show me what you want from me. We can't live like this -- never knowing what's going to happen next. We just can't. How can you let him do this to us, OVER AND OVER again? Why can't you make it stop? If you're so omnipotent, why can't you just make him go away and leave us alone?"

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Yeah, so I'm not always all smiles and praise, trust and thankfulness, faith and forgiveness. I'm thankful that God is so patient with me, even through my doubt, anger, and confusion. I wonder sometimes why He hasn't struck me with lightning for some of the stuff I say when I shake my wee little fist at Him and try to tell Him how to run the world. Instead, it's as though He picks me up, dusts me off, plops me on His lap and says, "Well, are you just about done pitching your little "fit?" There's a lot of work yet to do, and you're not going to get anything done sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. I understand your frustration. Remember, no matter what you're going through, I've been there. And I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. Nobody ever said life was going to be fair. Don't worry about what "they" will think, say, or do. Just stick close to me, stay in the Word, trust your heart, and do what's best for your kids. Let me worry about "them."

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Here's a video on You Tube of a song that was popular when I was a kid (you know, a gazillion years ago, back in the DARK AGES) that has a powerful message. You can't assume that just because a person looks "strong" and as though they have it "together" that they haven't fallen to pieces daily and are now just being held together by some spiritual duct tape. Deep down, I think there's a certain part of every one of us that has a moment or two in our life when we would have liked to curl up on our bed and cry, "I want my Mommy!" Those are the times we have to trust that our Heavenly Father really DOES know how much we can handle . . . .

 

Survivors with a Voice (sonnet)

He took my body from me as he liked.
He made my very life a living hell.
Now, it seems, I have to stand up and fight
So I don't lose my mind to him as well.
Though I feel the gears slipping a little,
I'm holding on with all that I have left.
Though my soul's scarred and my brain is brittle,
I will fight this to my very last breath.
I'll be damned if I'm going to give up now,
After all the hell he has put me through.
I'll stay together, though I don't know how.
I won't give up. I've got too much to do.
Take the mem'ries and flashbacks and shove them.
Survivors with a voice, gotta love them!

Remember the Good Times (sonnet)

When you hear a song, remember good times.
When you see a picture, remember smiles.
For there will be days smiles are hard to find,
And the good times only last for awhile.
People you trust may use and abuse you,
People that you love may cause you great pain.
So let the songs and the smiles get you through
Until you finally find love again.
There are some things I would like to forget,
Some memories that haunt me in the night.
I can truly say I have no regrets,
I did what I had to do, what was right.
People can blame me and say I was wrong,
But they didn't live my life all along.

Who Knows? (sonnet)

Who can say where the road will go from here.
Who can know the twists, the turns, the dead ends.
Who can know when there'll be an end to fear.
Who knows who are enemies, who are friends.
How do I navigate this winding course?
How do I battle nightmares in the day?
How do I grieve what was taken by force?
How do I make the mem'ries go away?
When will I feel like I am whole again?
When will I do all the things that I must?
When will I forget the places I've been?
When will I finally learn how to trust?
The future is something I cannot see.
Guess I'll just have to keep on being me.

Back on My Feet (sonnet)

BAM! Up against the wall, you slammed my head.
I often prayed that they were just bad dreams.
You just walked away as though I were dead,
Leaving my soul ripped apart at the seams.
You thought you always had the upper hand,
That I would obey you, no matter what.
But there's one thing you didn't understand --
I'm a fighter, and I never give up!
Each time you took something away from me,
I found a way to simply make it through,
And dreamed of the day I'd fin'lly be free.
I never did believe your words were true.
Success is a revenge, so very sweet.
You knocked me down, but I'm back on my feet.

I Found a Way (sonnet)

It used to be I shuddered in the night
Because I knew what was coming my way.
I did my "duty," what I thought was "right,"
You took advantage of that ev'ry day.
You led me to believe I was worthless,
Incapable of ever leaving you.
You said I was an ugly, crazy mess,
That there was nowhere I had to run to.
Well, a mess I may have been, thanks to you,
But I found a way to escape your grip.
I learned there were places I could go to,
We packed up our stuff and started our trip.
You were so sure you had me forever.
When will you have me again? Oh, NEVER!

One Chapter Closed (sonnet)

One chapter closed and another begins,
Or is it the end of a book and the
Start of a new one where the other ends;
Time to live what is and forget what was.
Where will I go on this, my new journey?
Will there be signs to guide along the way?
Will I be stuck here for eternity,
Or will I find myself a brighter day?
No iron fetters now to hold me back,
No bitter bonds of "love" to keep me still.
Unsure of what it is that I now lack,
I don't know the way, but find it I will.
The challenge of tomorrow seems immense.
But I'll manage it just like all the rest.

Never Underestimate a Woman (sonnet)

Never underestimate a woman
Who knows her rights and won't give up the fight.
Providing for herself and her children,
She will not rest by day or sleep at night.
She'll call a thousand numbers on the phone.
She'll visit ev'ry office she can find.
She'll pray to God and trust in Him alone
To give her strength and bring her peace of mind.
She'll write a hundred letters if she must,
She won't give up til all are safe and sound.
She'll ask for help, and even learn to trust
If that will mean an answer can be found.
There is no limit to what she can do.
She will survive and fin'lly make it through.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Don't let PTSD win!

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Shit Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, emptied their lunchboxes, vacuumed, and swept the floors. I unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

Think Again (Acrostic Sonnet)

How can you say that you can understand
And how could you believe you know my pain?
Voice lacking thought, your words like vomit ran,
Entered my shell, I really can't explain.

You seem to think that somehow you know me,
Or feel the things I've felt, or that you know.
Until you've lived my life, you cannot see

What things are hidden that I never show.
Are you so blinded by your own belief,
Left bitter by the wounds within your heart,
Kept fettered by your own remorse and grief,
Each thing I say, you twist and tear apart?
Do you realize the way the things you say

Insult me so and minimize my pain?
Next time you try to wish my past away

Make sure you stop and think, then think again.
You cannot really know what I've been through,

So don't pretend you're just the same as me.
How can you think that I'd confide in you,
Or trust you when yourself is all you see?
Each time you judge me, if you really care,
Step back and ask yourself, "Have I been there?"