I'm Afraid to Fall in Love (Poem)

I'm afraid to fall in love,

I think I tried that way back when . . .

Back when I still believed

That love would never hurt me

Or deceive me,

Or desert me,

Never let me down again.

So won't you forgive me, please,

If I'm a bit of a slowpoke,

I promise this isn't any joke - -

I am just a “fraidy cat,” it's true,

Even though I'm totally nuts about you.

You see, I know for certain

That I like you a whole lot - -

That it feels good to hold you tight,

That I could kiss you half the night,

That I've gotten so used to you

That I'd be awful sad to lose you,

But beyond that, honey,

I must admit that I'm ashamed to say . . .

I'm afraid to fall in love.

What if what we share goes away?

What if you don't want to stay?

What if I'm not good enough somehow?

What if the timing isn't right just now?

I can say for sure how wonderful

It feels spending time with you,

How I daydream half the day away,

Wondering if you're thinking of me too.

I imagine sitting near you,

Calling you “my dear,” too.

When I feel you hold my hand,

I hope that you can understand,

But do you?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

So many painful words were spoken,

My heart has been so badly broken.

Has it finally healed itself?

Don't tell anybody else, but

I'm afraid to say “I love you.”

I'm not sure what that would mean.

Would it mean that we belong together?

Would it mean we'd last forever?

Please forgive me for not knowing

Just exactly where we're going,

I'm afraid to fall in love,

So how about we just go fishing,

Spend some time, and keep on wishing

To be friends for just awhile?

I sure do enjoy your smile.

When we're apart it's not the same,

And at the mention of you name,

I must admit,

I blush a little bit.

This feels somehow new to me,

It's been so long since I felt this way --

You have no idea what you do to me,

With the things you do and say.

Simple things that aren't so simple,

Things that make me want to fall,

Things that make me want to crawl

Begging on my hands and knees,

“Won't you stay forever, please!”

But I'm afraid to fall in love.

So if it's quite alright, I won't.

You can fall in love with me, if you want,

But it might be safer if you don't.

Because my heart's still kind of healing

And my mind's still sort of reeling

I'm just trying to stay afloat.

I don't want to say the words

Until I know I mean them.

And I suppose it's far too soon

To know for sure how I feel,

But I thought I'd let you know

I'm headed that direction,

Towards falling in love,

And it's scaring me to death.

I can barely take a breath.

When I look into your eyes,

It catches me by surprise,

And I'm not sure what to do or say?

Does it matter anyway?

I suppose what's meant to be will be,

Without help from you or me.

It's just that sometimes at night

I lie awake. I can't sleep.

My mind is full,

And my thoughts are deep.

Wondering if you're “the one,”

Wondering if you even care,

Or if I'm just another person

To take somewhere

And do stuff with.

Hang out for awhile,

Catch a quick hug & kiss.

I feel so very unsure,

So confused and insecure.

I don't know where to go from here,

If I give you the wheel,

Will you steer?

I don't know this road very well.

The last time I drove down it,

It went straight to hell.

Please be patient with me if

I'm worried we'll drive right off a cliff . . .

You see, it wouldn't be the first time

Someone broke this heart of mine.

And I don't know how many crashes I can take,

How many more times my heart can break,

Before the shattered pieces can never

Again be put back together.

So you see . . .

It's quite the awful tragedy . . .

What on earth will you do with me?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

I'm Not Quitting . . . Yet . . .

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Stuff Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, started supper, and unloaded & reloaded the washing machine ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

Molten Mush (sonnet)

I can't concentrate enough to crochet.
My brain is one big gob of molten mush.
How will I ever make it through this day,
Do supper, laundry, and homework and such?
I feel so embarrassed asking for help,
Though it's a relief to know help is there.
Wish I had the strength to do it myself,
But the load right now's more than I can bear.
If only the flashbacks would stay away.
If only the memories wouldn't come up.
If only I'd keep the feelings at bay,
Then I think I could survive well enough.
The past keeps bubbling up into my face.
I still can't seem to find a peaceful place.

Remember the Good Times (sonnet)

When you hear a song, remember good times.
When you see a picture, remember smiles.
For there will be days smiles are hard to find,
And the good times only last for awhile.
People you trust may use and abuse you,
People that you love may cause you great pain.
So let the songs and the smiles get you through
Until you finally find love again.
There are some things I would like to forget,
Some memories that haunt me in the night.
I can truly say I have no regrets,
I did what I had to do, what was right.
People can blame me and say I was wrong,
But they didn't live my life all along.

Who Knows? (sonnet)

Who can say where the road will go from here.
Who can know the twists, the turns, the dead ends.
Who can know when there'll be an end to fear.
Who knows who are enemies, who are friends.
How do I navigate this winding course?
How do I battle nightmares in the day?
How do I grieve what was taken by force?
How do I make the mem'ries go away?
When will I feel like I am whole again?
When will I do all the things that I must?
When will I forget the places I've been?
When will I finally learn how to trust?
The future is something I cannot see.
Guess I'll just have to keep on being me.

I Found a Way (sonnet)

It used to be I shuddered in the night
Because I knew what was coming my way.
I did my "duty," what I thought was "right,"
You took advantage of that ev'ry day.
You led me to believe I was worthless,
Incapable of ever leaving you.
You said I was an ugly, crazy mess,
That there was nowhere I had to run to.
Well, a mess I may have been, thanks to you,
But I found a way to escape your grip.
I learned there were places I could go to,
We packed up our stuff and started our trip.
You were so sure you had me forever.
When will you have me again? Oh, NEVER!

I See Some Light (sonnet)

Ugly demons from the past, running wild,
Tear at the very fibers of my soul.
Although I am grown, I feel like a child,
Trapped alone at the bottom of a hole.
Bags of crap are falling down around me --
The old and new, they scatter on the ground.
I close my eyes so that I will not see
The horror that is piling up around.
Determined not to drown beneath this shit,
I grasp at some roots and begin to climb.
More's raining down, but I just ignore it.
I will not lose this battle of the mind.
I see some light shining down from the top,
And until I reach it, I will not stop.

Candy Land (sonnet)

So we're back to the game of Candy Land,
We're not stuck in the Lollipop Forest
Like we had been for weeks and weeks on end,
But in the Molasses Swamp now we "rest."
I don't know how many "turns" we'll spend here,
Perhaps we'll have to go back to the start.
I don't know how I'll dry up all my tears,
Or explain to my children's broken hearts.
How is it that this injustice can be?
How am I to deal with this load of pain?
Just when I thought life was setting us free,
My hopes were squashed completely flat again.
I don't know how much more pain I can take
Before I stop bending and fin'lly break.

One Chapter Closed (sonnet)

One chapter closed and another begins,
Or is it the end of a book and the
Start of a new one where the other ends;
Time to live what is and forget what was.
Where will I go on this, my new journey?
Will there be signs to guide along the way?
Will I be stuck here for eternity,
Or will I find myself a brighter day?
No iron fetters now to hold me back,
No bitter bonds of "love" to keep me still.
Unsure of what it is that I now lack,
I don't know the way, but find it I will.
The challenge of tomorrow seems immense.
But I'll manage it just like all the rest.

The Storm's Increased (sonnet)

I saw a lighthouse drawing me to shore,
A beacon of hope lit my shadowed path.
Distraught, I prayed in anguish to the Lord,
"Please let this storm I'm fighting be the last."
The thunder raged about me 'round the clock,
The waves came up and over on the deck.
I felt my ship pulled near the jagged rocks,
Yet still I clung to hope and craned my neck --
Yearning for a glimpse of the distant shore,
Longing to be rescued from all the pain,
Buffeted by gales I couldn't ignore,
Drowning in bucketfulls of pouring rain.
Just when I thought I'd find a resting place,
The storm's increased and trashed my flimsy faith.

Don't Give Up Now (sonnet)

A fire begins as just a single spark,
A flood begins as just a drop of rain,
A dream begins as a beat of your heart,
And miracles can happen despite pain.
Don't have to build a dam to stop a drip,
Don't have to win them all, just have to try.
Just take a step to start a longer trip,
You don't need any special wings to fly.
A thousand reasons to keep going on,
A hundred reasons to give in and quit.
You can't get back the days that are now gone,
Just take a breath and learn to deal with it.
There are still more battles yet to be won.
Don't give up now, you've only just begun!

No Point Wasting Time (sonnet)

Do raindrops drizzling wish that they were snow?
Do snowflakes swirling wish that they were rain?
Does thunder ever care to even know
From where on earth it's booming power came?
Does the water flowing downstream ask where?
Does the seed that's aloft the breeze know why?
Does the child at its mother's bosom care?
If they have no worries, then why should I?
Not even a single sparrow that falls
Is unseen by my Father's watching eyes,
He hears each fallen creature as it calls,
Our mournful tears to Him are no surprise.
So let life carry you where e'er it may.
No point wasting time on worry today.

Let Hope Carry You (sonnet)

Hope can be a very powerful thing --
It can lift up a weary, sagging soul,
It can give a grounded spirit new wings,
It can make a wounded heart feel more whole.
Hope is a light in the darkest of nights,
A banner that waves over the lonely,
A beacon that beckons toward the light,
Reminding you that you're not the only
One who feels doubtful, exhausted, and down.
Hope is a bubble to keep you afloat,
A faithful friend that always comes around,
In life's mournful song, it's a cheery note.
Let hope carry you beyond your wishes,
To something your dreams will find delicious!

Leaning on the Lord (sonnet)

Just put one foot in front of the other,
And just take one little step at a time.
Trust your subtle instincts as a mother,
Tell yourself, "ev'rything will be just fine."
Just wake up each and every morning,
And with a genuine smile, greet the day.
With each sunset as the daylight's fading,
Say, "we will all make it through this okay."
Never doubt God's power for a second,
Never falter from the path He shows you.
Never linger when His Spirit beckons,
Don't forget He made you and He knows you.
You'll find answers; keep trusting in His word.
You'll find comfort; keep leaning on the Lord.

Leave the Past in the Past (sonnet)

Does what happened yesterday really count?
Does what happened years ago matter much?
If they do, then what's the proper amount
To think about the things that were and such?
It is what it is; I can't change it now,
And would I even want to if I could?
I can't go backwards in time anyhow,
And I'm guessing that is probably good.
Today is a new day, a brand new dawn,
A fresh chance to start my whole life anew.
It's kind of exciting, this trip I'm on,
You never can tell what great things I'll do. 
One thing's for sure, the time has come at last,
I'm learning to leave the past in the past.

I Do Not Have the Answers (sonnet)

I do not have the answers for all this,
So many questions left for me to face.
I will not ever get back what I've missed,
I don't know how I'll make it through this place.
Sometimes it feels my prayers bounce off the wall,
I wonder if God even hears me cry.
I sometimes question if He's there at all,
When I can't seem to find a reason why
The things I love the most have been taken.
The darkest night seems even darker still.
My faith has oh so soundly been shaken,
But continue to trust in Him, I will.
I cannot see beyond this awful pain,
But I will praise you, Lord, despite the rain.

Through the Cracks (sonnet)

Sometimes you have to find a way to grow,

To bloom where you can find a place to be,

To push your way through from way down below,

To find a way to let yourself be free.

It takes a little bit of stubbornness

To persevere when life is at it's worst,

To let your heart believe in openness,

When all you see is hopelessness at first.

Let hope spring up and chase the dark away,

Let faith begin to nibble at your doubt,

Let life renew itself in you today,

And banish ev'ry evil thought without.

Blossom where you're planted, and come what may

You'll find a way to make it through the day!

All Sorts of "Friends" (sonnet)

I see only Darkness, as I look on;
A fog of Unknown, Unheard, and Unseen.
Pity's potholes fill the road walked upon,
And Hope gets lost so easily between.
Like a frightened child, I look all around
For someone who's willing to be my guide,
Someone to lift my feet up off the ground,
Someone to walk faithfully by my side.
Injustice waves a hand in the cold air
And volunteers to share my lonely path.
Depression tiptoes in out of nowhere,
And Doubt races to me through the high grass.
I'm not alone, I have all sorts of "friends."
It's this blasted journey that never ends.

Never Underestimate a Woman (sonnet)

Never underestimate a woman
Who knows her rights and won't give up the fight.
Providing for herself and her children,
She will not rest by day or sleep at night.
She'll call a thousand numbers on the phone.
She'll visit ev'ry office she can find.
She'll pray to God and trust in Him alone
To give her strength and bring her peace of mind.
She'll write a hundred letters if she must,
She won't give up til all are safe and sound.
She'll ask for help, and even learn to trust
If that will mean an answer can be found.
There is no limit to what she can do.
She will survive and fin'lly make it through.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Don't let PTSD win!

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Shit Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, emptied their lunchboxes, vacuumed, and swept the floors. I unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!