I was talking tonight with another domestic violence survivor about the incredible shame of being sexually abused by our husbands. It's something that was so hard to talk about -- even just between the two of us.
I think one of the most difficult things was feeling so isolated and thinking to myself -- "nobody even knows what's happening to me." We got to talking about how, even now that we've LEFT our abusive relationships, it's so hard to open up and share with anyone such intimate details about our lives.
She expressed her relief that her children are protected by a no contact order because of their father's extreme physical violence. Tears filled my eyes. My children don't have that protection because he didn't physically abuse them. He "only" emotionally/psychologically and verbally abused them. He saved most of
the hell for me. And unlike my friends' children, who can testify to their father's abuse, my children didn't witness most of what my Ex did to me (thank heavens; although my youngest told her therapist this week that she remembers him chasing me with a knife so now I'm freaking out because I didn't think she saw that and I'm wondering what ELSE they've seen that I THOUGHT they didn't see because I assumed they were "asleep in bed." ).
For the most part, when they're asked about things that I KNOW they saw, heard, experienced, etc, they claim that they "don't remember." This is true of things that happened as recently as a year ago just before we left for shelter. I honestly don't know if they really don't remember (because they dissociated or blocked it out) or if they're just too scared or embarrassed to talk about it. Either way, it's so hard for me because I feel like I'm struggling through this alone. I went through hell FOR MY CHILDREN . . . and they don't even REMEMBER? I feel so bad for even saying that -- after all, shouldn't I be happy if they've been able to forget? Why can't
I forget?
One of the most frustrating things is that the legal system hasn't been a bit of help. In fact, the way one judge treated me in court was worse than anything my husband had ever done to me -- I felt like I was being raped all over again (only this time in open court, in front of complete strangers).
When I first began to testify, I felt a slight sense of empowerment. I thought to myself, "FINALLY, I will get to tell what he has done to me. FINALLY, I will get some justice." Not in a million years. The judge sort of pretended to listen as I poured out my very soul. Tears were streaming down my face (one of the few times I had been able to cry about it). Then, with a sickening, condescending, and almost sarcastic tone, he said to me:
"Let me get this straight -- y
ou say that your husband allegedly raped you repeatedly over the span of 15 years. Did you ever call the police? Did you go to the doctor? You expect me to believe that you went through all of this and yet not only didn't you tell anyone, but you stayed and had more children with this man? That just doesn't make sense. I'm dismissing your restraining order on the grounds that you have not proven to me why you would be afraid of this man. You have not shown me sufficient EVIDENCE to satisfy me that you are, in fact, in any real danger. During this most recent event, y
ou claim that he threatened you with a belt, is that right?"
"Yes, your honor, " I said, "In front of the children. I have it recorded here if you want to listen to it."
"I don't need to hear it. I'm not going to waste this courts time with this nonsense," the judge said, shuffling his papers, "Am I supposed to believe that you thought he would actually follow through and spank a grown woman with a belt? Let's be serious now, really. You can't possibly have been threatened by that. Even IF I believed you, and even IF what you're telling me is true, no woman in her right mind would EVER have stayed with a man like that for 15 years if things were half as bad as you say they were. I think you're just another bitter woman looking for an easy way out of her marriage. Case dismissed."
And that was the end of the hearing. I hadn't even told the judge the HALF of it ... only just a few things that I had some degree of certainty about what date they'd happened (because of journal entries, medical records, etc). One my worst fears had come to pass -- the judge didn't believe me. (Either that or he did believe me and just didn't really care or want to be bothered.) So many incidents I have clear memory of bits and pieces of it, and I can MAYBE figure out roughly what YEAR it happened (based on how old the children were, where we were living, etc).
All I can say is this, I guess I should have run screaming naked out into the street, blood running down my legs and all, after he hurt me. Yep, that's it. I should have left my children alone with him so I could go down to the emergency room and have some stranger swab me down and sew me up. Or maybe I should have tried to tell my family what was going on . . . let's see, what would THAT conversation have sounded like? "Uh, hi Mom. Yeah, it's hot and humid here too. The kids are growing like weeds. No, we haven't had much rain. Oh, yes, I'm fine. Enjoying getting held down and raped up the ass every now and then. Oh, and did I mention that his latest thing is whipping me with a horse whip til I can barely walk? Uh huh. Weird, right? So, how's Dad doing? Can't wait to see you guys next summer. It'll be so fun to catch up on everything. Like how made me strip down naked a
nd sit in the corner of the bedroom all night and he'd walk by and spit on me and call me a whore, cunt, bitch, slut. What's that? Why did he do it? Oh, I don't know. He said he was sure I had cheated on him with the mailman because he saw a package had been delivered. Yes Mom, I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, trying to get plenty of rest. But it's hard when he wakes me up all the time and forces me to give him a blow job whenever he feels like it. And you know what, Mom? Last week he choked me til I almost passed out. Maybe I did; I'm not really too sure. So, I was wondering Mom, when you're baking a whole turkey, do you start basting it from the beginning, or do you wait until the end? I'm stressing out about having Thanksgiving here, what with the new baby on the way and all. Sure, he hits and kicks my stomach sometimes and says since I'm such a worthless fucking mother I shouldn't be allowed to have any more children. But I'm sure everything will be fine. I could call the cops if it got really bad, right?"
Yeah, that was one conversation that would NEVER happen . . .
The "strange" thing is that every time I "let him" get away with hurting me, it got easier somehow. And when I really stop and think about it, the last 4-5 years I didn't question him at all. In fact, I went out of my way to ANTICIPATE what he would want so it would go easier or faster. I think I just completely shut down and ceased to be a human being after awhile. My soul was dead. And truthfully, I don't know if I will ever be "normal" again . . .
Maybe the judge was right -- no woman in her right mind would have stayed so long. But who's to say that I was even CLOSE to being in my right mind after what he'd done to me for so many years?
Now I have nothing. No proof to speak of. I
might have internal scars or old injuries, but I'm terrified of going to the OB-
GYN. I haven't gone for over 5 years. I did have rectal surgery about 7 years ago to repair damage caused by his repeated anal rapes, but my ex husband claimed it was necessary because of extreme straining due to constipation while I was pregnant. And apparently that lame explanation was good enough for the doctor (and later for the judge). Nobody questioned him.
So yeah, don't talk to me about justice. Don't tell me how great America is. I feel like throwing up just thinking about it ... and realizing that he got away with it all completely
scot free makes me wish I could spew chunks all over him. It would serve him right. God knows he made me suck him off until I threw up often enough. It would serve him right to get vomit all over HIM for once.
What really gets me is in the custody proceedings, the judge keeps going on and on about "equal parental rights" and how my husband deserves to be "returned to a normal parenting role as soon as possible." Excuse me? How can he be "returned" to something that NEVER EXISTED? He never HAD a normal parenting role (unless you consider screaming profanity at your children, accusing their mother of adultery in front of them, claiming off and on that you're not really their father, and threatening to leave them outside in the cold for hours "normal parenting").
HOW CAN A PSYCHOTIC, ABUSIVE MONSTER POSSIBLY HAVE ANY RIGHTS AS A PARENT?
It blows my mind. Pardon my language, but when it comes to domestic violence (particularly the less "visible," but in my opinion more painful and damaging types such as verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse), the court system in the United States is FUCKED UP! Most states are only just BEGINNING to provide protection from obvious PHYSICAL assaults. And EVEN THEN, the bastards still often wind up getting joint custody of their children and eventually unsupervised visitation.
I'm telling you, it's enough to make me want to give up and just go back. At least when I was with him, I could protect my children from him. I could take the brunt of it. I could hold them afterwards and tell them it wasn't their fault, that "daddy doesn't mean it," and try to comfort them. But now, they HAVE TO go see him WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT. They have NO CHOICE . . . because he's the sperm donor. And somehow, just because he has the ability to get an erection and blast a few sperm, he has the right to spend time with them until they're 17 (at which time, they can FINALLY tell him to go to hell if they so choose).
IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!!!
As an adult, I can say "this man is abusive. He has hurt me. I don't want to see him anymore" and I DON'T HAVE TO SEE HIM. If he threatens or harasses me, I can call the police and have him arrested. How is it that my children can clearly state to their therapists, their social worker, and EVEN TO THEIR FATHER that they DO NOT want to see him, that they're afraid of him, etc. but STILL the court can COMPEL them to be with him because it's his "right"?
I could just SCREAM; it's MADDENING. How is a mother supposed to protect her children? I can't go WITH them for visitation. I've tried petitioning the court and gotten NOWHERE. I don't have money for a lawyer, and the pro
bono lawyer that has helped me out off and on isn't much help. I won't complain, because I'm thankful for her assistance, but I'm not holding my breath that she will have any better luck than I have.
It just makes me feel so sick inside. It's like we've escaped hell, but I have to keep sending my children back into it . . . only now they're alone and I'm not even there to watch out for them. I'm happy for those who have gotten lucky and had good results in court. But as far as I'm concerned, justice is a fantasy. We will never be free of this man until he dies of old age. And with our luck, he'll live to be 100.
