One Chapter Closed (sonnet)

One chapter closed and another begins,
Or is it the end of a book and the
Start of a new one where the other ends;
Time to live what is and forget what was.
Where will I go on this, my new journey?
Will there be signs to guide along the way?
Will I be stuck here for eternity,
Or will I find myself a brighter day?
No iron fetters now to hold me back,
No bitter bonds of "love" to keep me still.
Unsure of what it is that I now lack,
I don't know the way, but find it I will.
The challenge of tomorrow seems immense.
But I'll manage it just like all the rest.

I Cut the Darn Strings (sonnet)

"Right arm up, left arm down, and now you dance."
With strings, you held me like a marionette.
Controlled by you, I never had a chance.
What you gave me was all that I could get.
I was your puppet, and you my master,
You chose the music, and you chose the speed.
If I got tired, you made me go faster,
Anything to meet your ev'ry lil need.
Now I've found my strength, I cut the darn strings,
And I dance to the tune in my own heart.
I've found the joy that only freedom brings,
Even though you almost tore me apart.
I may not be too nimble or graceful,
But I'm strong to the end and I'm faithful.

Through the Cracks (sonnet)

Sometimes you have to find a way to grow,

To bloom where you can find a place to be,

To push your way through from way down below,

To find a way to let yourself be free.

It takes a little bit of stubbornness

To persevere when life is at it's worst,

To let your heart believe in openness,

When all you see is hopelessness at first.

Let hope spring up and chase the dark away,

Let faith begin to nibble at your doubt,

Let life renew itself in you today,

And banish ev'ry evil thought without.

Blossom where you're planted, and come what may

You'll find a way to make it through the day!

I'd Rather Be Dead (sonnet)

Take your flowers from the grocery store
And shove them where the sun will never shine.
I won't let you torment me anymore.
I have a new life that's totally mine.
Your attempts to control me are a waste.
Your accusation's nothing but a lie.
You're nothing to me but a bitter taste
Left in my mouth from days long since gone by.
I am determined to be free of you,
Your lies, and all of your insanity.
I wish you'd understand that we are THROUGH
And give up on playing mind games with me.
"We had our moments," that's true what you said.
But go back to you? I'd rather be dead.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Don't let PTSD win!

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Shit Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, emptied their lunchboxes, vacuumed, and swept the floors. I unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

Back Down This Road (sonnet)

I traveled to the place I thought was home,
But it felt strange returning there because
The years have passed and left me all alone,
A shriveled shadow of what I once was.
Inside I feel the same as in my youth,
Though I stopped living, life still passed me by.
I'm lost without a clue, and that's the truth.
I'm old and young at once, and don't know why.
Can someone tell me where my heart belongs?
Can someone show me how to find my way?
Can someone help me somehow right the wrongs
That stole the years from me, killed yesterday?
I cannot stay, but hate that I must go
Back down this road, whose end I do not know.