Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Don't let PTSD win!

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Shit Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, emptied their lunchboxes, vacuumed, and swept the floors. I unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

Maybe Tomorrow

My strength's a memory; I have no more.
My will to fight is gone, I feel so small.
Belief that right prevails walked out the door,
I have no more to give - I gave my all.
The things I once believed that I could do,
I gave them up, my dreams have all but died.
My days of being super mom are through.
No comfort comes from knowing that I tried.
There simply aren't the hours within a day
To do it all, to be it all, to find
The answers to the questions, so I say
Good-bye to hope, to faith, and peace of mind.
Maybe tomorrow I will try again ...
If I don't lose my marbles before then.

Have I come this far in vain? (acrostic sonnet)

Some day on heaven's shore, I'll hold the key
That will unlock the meaning of it all.
Until that day, I'll try my best to be
Content to read the writing on the wall.
Keep thinking I should have a clue by now ...

How can so many years have passed me by?
Each time I go back home I feel somehow
Revisiting my youth will tell me why
Each path I walked was diff'rent, yet the same.

Am I condemned this hist'ry to repeat?
God, help me, have I come this far in vain?
Am I forever doomed to face defeat?
I cannot see beyond this awful mess,
No matter how I try, I do confess.

What is me? (Sonnet)

What are these shackles wrapped around my soul
So tightly that I cannot draw a breath?
This struggle deep within to keep control;
It wears me down til I have nothing left.
Try as I might, I cannot seem to find
The words to fit the feelings that abide
Within the cloudy regions of my mind.
What if there's nothing left of me inside?
Am I composed of places that I've been,
Or am I made of things that have been done?
What if I find in going back again,
A maze I can't explain to anyone?
Who am I, what is me, do I belong?
Have I been masquerading all along?

I Wish I Knew (Acrostic Sonnet)

Why did my tears escape the concrete dam?
How could I just relax and let them fall?
Am I so out of touch with who I am
That I don't know the things I feel at all?
Do I believe I'll never see the end
Of all this pain that's turned my heart to stone?
If I could have one wish, I'd like a friend,
Lest I forever live my life alone.
Of course, this wasn't how my life was planned.
No matter what I fear, I know I must
Go forth and grasp tomorrow by the hand,
Forget the past, and somehow learn to trust.
Of all the things I wish that I could feel,
Right now I wish I knew that love was real.