This Bitter Cup (sonnet)

You're all I've got in this crazy old world,
The only one who listens day and night.
But are You there? Are my prayers even heard?
Can I still trust that You will do what is right?
The way is dark, the night, oh so long,
And no one walks beside me through the fire.
I try to trust that You can right what's wrong,
But all my strength is gone; my children tire.
I've heard someone proclaim: "God's safe to trust.
Life's hard, but God is good - His word is true."
I cannot carry on, but know I must
Keep trying, though I don't know what to do.
Please help me, Lord, I feel like giving up.
Give me the strength to drink this bitter cup.

Whatever It Takes (freewrite)

Today I've been thinking of some of my all-time favorite Bible passages:

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.' "
Matthew 11:28-30 (New Living Translation)

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior ... You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch you out of my hand."
Isaiah 43: 1-5, 13 (New Living Translation)

 I'm beginning to be convinced that God allows difficult or traumatic circumstances in our lives to draw us close to Him and KEEP us there.

You see, I am and have always been, a VERY stubborn, independent person. My pride and desire to be self-sufficient have gotten me into trouble more times than I like to admit.

In my late teens, rather than ask for help when I didn't have money for rent and car insurance, I compromised my moral standards and betrayed the very essence of who I was simply to 'pay the bills.' Why? I was too proud to admit that I couldn't do it myself.  I'm sure my parents would have gladly helped me out (had I let them know that I was struggling financially), but I didn't even give them that opportunity. 

Later, when I found myself in a difficult relationship, I ignored the warnings of those whose wisdom I SHOULD HAVE trusted, and got married anyway. I don't know what I was trying to prove, but I certainly wasn't about to admit that I'd made a mistake in entering into the relationship in the first place. After all, I thought I was a grown woman, and I simply would not tolerate anyone telling ME how to live my life. That included God (at that particular time in my life, at least).

If things had been more of a "bed of roses" from that point on, I might have simply continued to manage everything on my own -- completely unwilling to surrender to the sovereignty of God. After all, what would I have needed Him for?  It was only when life knocked me flat on my face that I was forced to look up and rekindle a faith that had grown cold.

If I had never had to scrimp and save, never wondered how the bills would get paid, and never had to do without or make sacrifices, I might never have learned to trust Him as Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.

If I had never been shamed, brutalized, and wounded inside & out, I might never have learned to rely on Him as Jehovah-Rapha, my Healer.

If I had never wandered through a maze of confusion and manipulation, I might never have learned to count on my Shepherd, Jehovah-Ra-Ah, for guidance and direction.

If I had never been paralyzed by terror, tormented by guilt, consumed by worry, or frustrated by injustice, I might never have learned to rest in the peace that Jehovah-Shalom alone can provide.

If I had never suffered agonizing loss after agonizing loss, I might never have learned to lean on Him as the divine Comforter.

If I had never felt trapped and alone in the depths of darkness, I might never have searched for the divine illumination that only the Light of the World can give.

If I had never been completely exhausted and utterly spent -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I might never have experienced the incredible rejuvenation found only in El Shaddai (Almighty God, the Strength Giver).

Maybe the Lord knew that the only way to keep me

close to Him was to strip me of everything else.

Perhaps He knew that if my life were too 'easy,' I would rely on myself instead of trusting in Him. It's quite possible that God either directly sent me problems or allowed certain difficulties in my life for the specific purpose of bringing me to my knees at the foot of the Cross ..... And KEEPING ME THERE.

And you know what? MOST of the time, I'm quite okay with that (I do have my moments of questioning and doubting like everyone else does). I'd rather go through hell on earth with Jesus by my side than live a life of ease without Him.

Which reminds me of the words to a great 'old' gospel song (youtube video is below the lyrics):

Whatever It Takes
There's a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And He whispers, 'Draw closer to Me;
Leave this world far behind,
There are new heights to climb,
And a new place in Me you will find.'

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take the dearest things to me,
If that's how it must be,
To draw me closer to Thee;
Let the disappointments come,
Lonely days without the sun,
If through sorrow more like You I'll become.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Take my houses, my lands,
Change my dreams, change my plans
For I'm placing my whole life in Your hands;
And if You call me today to a place far away
Lord, I'll go, and Your will I'll obey.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
I'll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain --
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes for my will to break,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Words and Music by Lanny Wolfe

Holding Each Other Up (article)

Recently, I've had a few friends that have been dealing with some very, very difficult circumstances in their lives -- chronic physical ailments, stressful family problems, severe economic hardships, etc.    I myself have been struggling to keep my head above water. 

At times, I feel ill-equipped to offer any words of wisdom or come up with any concrete solutions. But I've made it a point to be AVAILABLE to my friends, to pray for them, and to let them know that I love them, that God loves them, and that we're all in this together. I've also been trying to "tune in" to the Holy Spirit's "still small voice" . . . . learning to listen for those gentle nudgings, uneasy feelings, or moments of inspiration. I've been so blessed when I choose to follow the Lord's leading when He prompts me to do or say something.

Tonight, for some silly reason, this one particular story from the Bible came to mind. It's found in the Old Testament; Exodus chapter 17 to be exact. I had no idea why this story crossed my mind until I reread it in the Bible and realized what a powerful message this short story has. So, naturally, I just "had to" share what I discovered with ya'll :o)
A Little Background:

Moses had led the children of Israel out of slavery in Egypt. They'd been wandering around in the wilderness for YEARS, complaining about EVERY little thing. They didn't like the food. They didn't like the water. They didn't like sleeping in tents . . . and the list went on and on. 

God had promised them a new land -- Canaan. But before they could take possession of the land, they had to face some enemies.

"At the Lord’s command, the whole community of Israel left the wilderness of Sin and moved from place to place. Eventually they camped at Rephidim. While the people of Israel were still at Rephidim, the warriors of Amalek attacked them. Moses commanded Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight the army of Amalek for us. Tomorrow, I will stand at the top of the hill, holding the staff of God in my hand.” So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle. After the victory, the Lord instructed Moses, “Write this down on a scroll as a permanent reminder.” "
Exodus 17: 1, 8-11 NLT (New Living Translation)

Now, here's the amazing parallel to some situations that some of my friends and I have been dealing with:

Just as the Israelites had been freed from slavery in Egypt, we who are believers have been rescued from the bondage of sin. We've left the "desert of Sin" behind, and we're wandering through life, from one place to another, on our way to the "promised land" in Heaven. For those of us who were in abusive relationships, it almost felt like slavery.  To finally be "free" from that bondage and still be struggling with "enemies" such as memories, etc. can be rather disheartening at times.

I'll be the first to admit that I complain a great deal. I don't think I'm alone in that. As a human race, by in large, we're a bunch of complainers. We don't like being sick. We don't like being in pain. We don't like losing loved ones. We don't like worrying about money problems. We don't like dealing with heartache. We don't like our jobs (or, on the flip side, we don't like LOSING our jobs). And, honestly, we're not always that thrilled about our living arrangements either (but hey, it could be worse -- at least we're not living in tents like the Israelites were).

I don't mean to trivialize any of these things we're going through - - they're not small things to us, to others, OR TO GOD. I'm simply drawing the parallel between the way we often RESPOND to these situations and the way that the Israelites responded to their circumstances.

And then, to top it all off, just when we think we've almost reached the end of our journey, we get attacked. Some of us are besieged by a physical problem . . . or two . . . . or fifty. For others, our family situation is beyond insane. Most of us are struggling with economic hardship. Sometimes it seems like everything gets thrown at us at the same time.

I noticed a couple things about this story:

a) The way in which the battle was fought, and
b) The outcome of the battle.

First I put myself in Moses' position. God had given him the power to control the outcome of the battle. Whenever he raised the staff in his arms toward heaven, the army triumphed.

I know INTELLECTUALLY that God has promised that I can conquer the enemy (the devil) through the power of Christ Jesus. On my own, I know I'm nothing. But when I reach heavenward, I know that I can be victorious. I can see the results right in front of me on the "battlefield" of life. When I lift up the problems to the Lord, I gain victory. When I try to find my own solutions . . . not so successful. So I try my very best to keep looking up and to keep on fighting.

Even so, there are times when, just like Moses, I am totally drained -- physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. I simply can't go on. All the willpower in the world isn't going to budge me. Totally exhausted, I collapse and consider throwing in the towel.

Here's the part of the story that gets me so excited . . .

What happened when Moses' strength failed? Did the Israelite army give up and beat a hasty retreat? Did the people around him scold him for being weak? Did his friends tell him that if only he would "pray harder" that everything would all work out in the end? 
No, ma'am.

His friends:
a) saw that his strength was failing,
b) found him a safe place to rest,
c) stood beside him through the conflict, and
d) HELD HIM UP until their opponents had been defeated.

I have been so fortunate to have friends that have seen me falter now and then and have reminded me that it's okay to LET MYSELF CATCH MY BREATH. They've lifted me up in prayer, time and time again. But even more than that, they've shown by their specific ACTIONS (whether it be arranging a ride for me, sending me an encouraging email, giving me a check to help cover expenses, or calling me "just to say hi") that they are right there beside me "on the hill," holding me up while the chaos swirls all around me.

Then I thought about the story from Aaron's and Hur's perspectives. I've been there too. I've seen war raging in the lives of friends or family members. Honestly, I'll admit that I've been overwhelmed and often felt under-qualified for the task of helping them out. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Besides, sometimes it appears that they're having some degree of success off and on . . . and it seems that they're gaining some ground.

But then I see them fall, and I have to make a decision . . . What do I do now?

Do I pretend I don't SEE?

Do I shuffle them off onto somebody else because I don't want to be bothered?
(After all, I've got enough of my OWN problems to deal with. I don't have time for this.)

Do I listen to them a bit, but then dismiss their pain, tell them to stop whining about their life, and just put on their big girl panties & deal with it?

One reason this story was so encouraging to me was because it showed me that I don't have to know HOW God is going to gain the victory in my life or in someone else's life. All I need to know is that God's the one with the power and He holds the future in His hands.

Aaron and Hur didn't understand how God's power was flowing through Moses. It must have looked pretty silly to see this old man standing up there on top of the hill waving a stick in the air -- but there's no mention of them questioning the strategy (or seeming lack thereof). They simply went to Moses' side, helped him sit down and rest, and HELD HIM UP through the remainder of the assault, trusting that the outcome was up to God.

What did I learn from this story?

• Life isn't fair. It will get messy. Sometimes I'm going to have to fight my way through.
• As long as I continue to reach heavenward and rely on the Lord, He will give me the ability to deal with anything that comes my way. God will give me the victory.
• There will be times when my strength will give out. Resting is not admitting defeat.
• When I fall, I need to be willing to ALLOW others to hold me up.
• When I see others fall, I need to be ready and willing to go to their side and HOLD THEM UP.
• Sometimes, when the Lord works a miracle and wins a mighty victory, it's a good idea to write it down so you don't forget it.

Dear Lord,

Help me to be ever watchful of those who may be weak and need someone to help hold them up for awhile. And help me not to be so proud that I refuse the help that others offer me when I'm the one in need of assistance. Please help me remember that we're all in this together. We're all brothers and sisters in the Lord. Not one of us is better or worse than another. In your eyes, we are all precious. I thank you and praise you for giving us the VICTORY over sin. Guide us as we navigate this treacherous wilderness of life, and lead us safely to that glorious promised land in Heaven, I pray.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Lord, Hold Me (Sonnet)

Lord, you've brought me this far, so now I trust
That You'll carry me the rest of the way.
I'm trying so hard to do what I must
To make it through each dreary, weary day.
I don't want to fail You now by falling,
But some days it's ever so hard to stand.
So now on Your Holy Name I'm calling,
Begging You to steady me with Your hand.
I need Your power now more than ever,
For the gates of hell rattle, oh so loud.
Did I think I'd make it this far? Never.
Yet I'm ashamed and anything but proud.
Lord, hold me in Your precious arms tonight,
And help me not to give up on this fight.

Who Knows? (sonnet)

Who can say where the road will go from here.
Who can know the twists, the turns, the dead ends.
Who can know when there'll be an end to fear.
Who knows who are enemies, who are friends.
How do I navigate this winding course?
How do I battle nightmares in the day?
How do I grieve what was taken by force?
How do I make the mem'ries go away?
When will I feel like I am whole again?
When will I do all the things that I must?
When will I forget the places I've been?
When will I finally learn how to trust?
The future is something I cannot see.
Guess I'll just have to keep on being me.

Somewhere, Someday, Somehow (sonnet)

Somewhere out there is there a man, like me,
Who seeks a mate to complement his soul.
Somewhere out there is someone who could be
The other half of me to make a whole.
Somewhere out there could be just the someone
I've never met, but yearned for all my life.
Someday perhaps, my loneliness all done,
I'll take my place as someone's cherished wife.
Somehow, maybe, God's will includes a mate,
A character that just might match with mine.
Someday, perhaps, if it is not too late,
I'll find the man for me, by God's design.
Somewhere, someday, somehow, if it's to be,
I'll find the one that God's prepared for me.

Leaning on the Lord (sonnet)

Just put one foot in front of the other,
And just take one little step at a time.
Trust your subtle instincts as a mother,
Tell yourself, "ev'rything will be just fine."
Just wake up each and every morning,
And with a genuine smile, greet the day.
With each sunset as the daylight's fading,
Say, "we will all make it through this okay."
Never doubt God's power for a second,
Never falter from the path He shows you.
Never linger when His Spirit beckons,
Don't forget He made you and He knows you.
You'll find answers; keep trusting in His word.
You'll find comfort; keep leaning on the Lord.

To Share, Or Not to Share (sonnet)

To share or not to share, that's the question,
And if I do, the question is, how much?
I sure could use a few good suggestions
On knowing who it is that I can trust.
I know that in the past I've sometimes shared
More info than I should have, probably.
I've opened up my soul and left it bared,
Wide open for all of the world to see.
What happened to letting sleeping dogs lie?
What happened to water under the bridge?
Why can't I let go of the days gone by?
Why do I still care, even just a smidge?
I'm better off keeping things to myself.
There's no use sharing with anyone else.

I Do Not Have the Answers (sonnet)

I do not have the answers for all this,
So many questions left for me to face.
I will not ever get back what I've missed,
I don't know how I'll make it through this place.
Sometimes it feels my prayers bounce off the wall,
I wonder if God even hears me cry.
I sometimes question if He's there at all,
When I can't seem to find a reason why
The things I love the most have been taken.
The darkest night seems even darker still.
My faith has oh so soundly been shaken,
But continue to trust in Him, I will.
I cannot see beyond this awful pain,
But I will praise you, Lord, despite the rain.

Never Underestimate a Woman (sonnet)

Never underestimate a woman
Who knows her rights and won't give up the fight.
Providing for herself and her children,
She will not rest by day or sleep at night.
She'll call a thousand numbers on the phone.
She'll visit ev'ry office she can find.
She'll pray to God and trust in Him alone
To give her strength and bring her peace of mind.
She'll write a hundred letters if she must,
She won't give up til all are safe and sound.
She'll ask for help, and even learn to trust
If that will mean an answer can be found.
There is no limit to what she can do.
She will survive and fin'lly make it through.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Acrostic Sonnet)

Let's just pretend you never heard it said.
Except for knowing, talk won't change a thing;
There is no point in digging up the dead,
So just ignore the feelings it might bring.
Let's just imagine I don't care at all.
Expect life to go on just as it should.
Energy's wasted tearing down that wall,
Perhaps if I were stronger, then I could
Investigate the agony I feel,
No doubt I'd understand a little more.
God knows the guilt and sorrow are still real,
Despite how deep I've buried them before.
On top of all I'm dealing with right now,
Great pain may simply push me to the edge.
So maybe it is best if I somehow
Leave it alone, and climb down from this ledge.
It's not that I'm avoiding this -- not true ...
Except the fear of what pain's made me do.