I'm Afraid to Fall in Love (Poem)

I'm afraid to fall in love,

I think I tried that way back when . . .

Back when I still believed

That love would never hurt me

Or deceive me,

Or desert me,

Never let me down again.

So won't you forgive me, please,

If I'm a bit of a slowpoke,

I promise this isn't any joke - -

I am just a “fraidy cat,” it's true,

Even though I'm totally nuts about you.

You see, I know for certain

That I like you a whole lot - -

That it feels good to hold you tight,

That I could kiss you half the night,

That I've gotten so used to you

That I'd be awful sad to lose you,

But beyond that, honey,

I must admit that I'm ashamed to say . . .

I'm afraid to fall in love.

What if what we share goes away?

What if you don't want to stay?

What if I'm not good enough somehow?

What if the timing isn't right just now?

I can say for sure how wonderful

It feels spending time with you,

How I daydream half the day away,

Wondering if you're thinking of me too.

I imagine sitting near you,

Calling you “my dear,” too.

When I feel you hold my hand,

I hope that you can understand,

But do you?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

So many painful words were spoken,

My heart has been so badly broken.

Has it finally healed itself?

Don't tell anybody else, but

I'm afraid to say “I love you.”

I'm not sure what that would mean.

Would it mean that we belong together?

Would it mean we'd last forever?

Please forgive me for not knowing

Just exactly where we're going,

I'm afraid to fall in love,

So how about we just go fishing,

Spend some time, and keep on wishing

To be friends for just awhile?

I sure do enjoy your smile.

When we're apart it's not the same,

And at the mention of you name,

I must admit,

I blush a little bit.

This feels somehow new to me,

It's been so long since I felt this way --

You have no idea what you do to me,

With the things you do and say.

Simple things that aren't so simple,

Things that make me want to fall,

Things that make me want to crawl

Begging on my hands and knees,

“Won't you stay forever, please!”

But I'm afraid to fall in love.

So if it's quite alright, I won't.

You can fall in love with me, if you want,

But it might be safer if you don't.

Because my heart's still kind of healing

And my mind's still sort of reeling

I'm just trying to stay afloat.

I don't want to say the words

Until I know I mean them.

And I suppose it's far too soon

To know for sure how I feel,

But I thought I'd let you know

I'm headed that direction,

Towards falling in love,

And it's scaring me to death.

I can barely take a breath.

When I look into your eyes,

It catches me by surprise,

And I'm not sure what to do or say?

Does it matter anyway?

I suppose what's meant to be will be,

Without help from you or me.

It's just that sometimes at night

I lie awake. I can't sleep.

My mind is full,

And my thoughts are deep.

Wondering if you're “the one,”

Wondering if you even care,

Or if I'm just another person

To take somewhere

And do stuff with.

Hang out for awhile,

Catch a quick hug & kiss.

I feel so very unsure,

So confused and insecure.

I don't know where to go from here,

If I give you the wheel,

Will you steer?

I don't know this road very well.

The last time I drove down it,

It went straight to hell.

Please be patient with me if

I'm worried we'll drive right off a cliff . . .

You see, it wouldn't be the first time

Someone broke this heart of mine.

And I don't know how many crashes I can take,

How many more times my heart can break,

Before the shattered pieces can never

Again be put back together.

So you see . . .

It's quite the awful tragedy . . .

What on earth will you do with me?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

In the Bottom of a Hole (poem)

Trying to block out the piercing screams of yesterday
Some days it seems like an eternity away
Other days,
I'm in a haze,
And it feels close
Like the nose
On my face.
Reaching for a sense of who I am,
Of who I was before . . .
Was I somebody back then,
Or have I always been this empty shell?
I have no way of knowing,
There's no easy way to tell.
I think I remember a little girl
That used to be me.
That used to believe in goodness.
In beauty.
In truth.
But that was long ago.
Where did she go?
Did I bury her with the babies I lost?
Was that part of the cost - -
Losing my soul in the midst of the storm?
I wish I could cry.  I wish I knew why.
I wish I could understand the reasons
For year after year of those seasons
Of waking nightmares in a living hell.
I wish I didn't remember it so well.
I wish I knew how to navigate this road,
How to straddle the potholes that emerge
Without falling back into some bottomless pit
That has no end to it.
I wish to hell that none of it was real,
That I could stuff the agony I feel,
That I could make some sense of it all.
But I can't.
It's just more and more and more of the same.
More leg-spreading, gut-wrenching, mind-blowing pain.
More heart-breaking, soul-bending, self-splitting shame.
And to think that to him it was only a game!
So here I sit, not knowing what to do.
I don't know when all this "feeling" will be through.
Do I hide? Do I fight it?
Is there any way to right it?
Will my mind forever be a shattered mess?
Is there any way to navigate this?
How do I let it go?
How can I just say it happened. It sucked.
And then walk away.
As though it didn't matter.
As though it didn't shatter
Every part of my soul.
I'm really struggling to see
What the point's supposed to be.
I don't want to be a victim.
I don't want to let that dick win.
But I feel so stuck here . . .
Like I'm in the bottom of a hole
That I'll never crawl out of.

Real Versus Not Real (collage)

Ticking Time Bomb (digital collage)

Unspeakable Pain (digital collage)

What is Love? (poem of sorts)

What is love,
But a promise
To be broken?
What is love,
But words unspoken . . .
Feelings buried deep beneath
The surface of the heart.
What is love,
But waiting,
For the other shoe to fall
When you'll be torn apart?
What is love?
Is it a hug? It is a kiss?
Is it more than this?
Is it lying in bed,
Holding someone close,
Even if they're gross,
Till the morning comes
So you can say that you're done
So that you can run
Away . . .
No, that's not love,
No matter what they say.
It's more than that,
More than lying flat
On your back.
What is love?
Is it spending time
Walking and talking
And holding hands?
Is it having someone who understands?
Is it having someone who doesn't leave,
Even when the going gets tough . . .
When the road gets rough?
What is love?
Is it living forever
In la-la land,
Kissy, kissy ga-ga for someone
And never letting go?
Can't somebody tell me --
I don't know!
What is love?
I know it's more than words,
For to base a relationship
On saying "I Love You"
Is just absurd.
Any old fool can repeat
Some words that are sweet
And mean nothing by it,
It's what happens in the quiet,
I think .  .  .
What is love?
Is it believing in the good,
Waiting like you should,
Wishing somehow you could
Be together.
Forever.
If that's what love is,
Than love is torture.
Love is a curse.
Love is the worst thing,
But love is the first thing
That we long for,
That we live for,
That we'd give anything for . . .
But why?
Why do we strive for that feeling
That sends us reeling,
That leaves us spinning,
That leads us to sinning?
What is love?
There are so many songs
That say they know what love is,
But maybe they're all wrong!
What is love?
Can't somebody tell me, please!
Once upon a time
I think I knew what love was,
But now I'm not so sure.
I don't remember who I was,
I don't remember where we were.
Tell me . . .
Don't spare me
The harsh reality . . .
Tell me . . .
What is love?