Inside Out (poem)

My shirt is inside out.
And so is my brain.
I don't even care.
I can't escape the memories.
I can't escape the pain.
I feel like I'm not even there.

I want to cut.
I want to burn.
I want to teach you,

I want to reach you,
But I don't know if you can learn,

Or if you would understand -

Would you even hold my hand

While I crawl through this?

All the degrees in the world
Can't prepare you for this shit.
Unimaginable horror,
And that's just the start of it.

So write your precious notes about
All the progress I have made.
All the bullshit you have fed me.
All the psychobabble games you've played.

You can't make me be unraped.
You can't make me forget.
You can't untorture me.
You can't erase the regret.
You can't give me back
The babies that died.
You can't give me back
The years I lost,
Or heal this ache inside.

What do you know of pain?
Have you prayed for it to end?
Have you laid in a pool
Of your own clotting blood
And wished for just one friend?

Have you been locked inside a world
That had no clear way out?
Have you held a screaming child
And wished you could shout to the world:

"This is wrong!"

How can I explain
The depth of this pain?
There is only one way I know,
Only one way to show ....
And I promised myself 

I wouldn't go there anymore .....

So I do what I can.

I write and I sing. I try EVERYTHING.

Music I remember.
Hymns I sang as a child.
I try to hold onto faith
And keep my mind from running wild.

But there aren't any songs
About getting torn apart.
And there aren't any hymns
About aching, broken hearts.

Lord, save me from myself.
I have you, and no one else.
The pain reminds me
That this is not my home.
There is a better place
That I will see someday....
But not today,
For I have children yet to raise,
And bills to pay.

So I must go on,
Despite the pain,
Despite the fear.
I must believe in something more
That I cannot see is here.
I must hold on,
Even if I don't know what it's about.
I must somehow keep going,
Even if I'm inside out.

In the Bottom of a Hole (poem)

Trying to block out the piercing screams of yesterday
Some days it seems like an eternity away
Other days,
I'm in a haze,
And it feels close
Like the nose
On my face.
Reaching for a sense of who I am,
Of who I was before . . .
Was I somebody back then,
Or have I always been this empty shell?
I have no way of knowing,
There's no easy way to tell.
I think I remember a little girl
That used to be me.
That used to believe in goodness.
In beauty.
In truth.
But that was long ago.
Where did she go?
Did I bury her with the babies I lost?
Was that part of the cost - -
Losing my soul in the midst of the storm?
I wish I could cry.  I wish I knew why.
I wish I could understand the reasons
For year after year of those seasons
Of waking nightmares in a living hell.
I wish I didn't remember it so well.
I wish I knew how to navigate this road,
How to straddle the potholes that emerge
Without falling back into some bottomless pit
That has no end to it.
I wish to hell that none of it was real,
That I could stuff the agony I feel,
That I could make some sense of it all.
But I can't.
It's just more and more and more of the same.
More leg-spreading, gut-wrenching, mind-blowing pain.
More heart-breaking, soul-bending, self-splitting shame.
And to think that to him it was only a game!
So here I sit, not knowing what to do.
I don't know when all this "feeling" will be through.
Do I hide? Do I fight it?
Is there any way to right it?
Will my mind forever be a shattered mess?
Is there any way to navigate this?
How do I let it go?
How can I just say it happened. It sucked.
And then walk away.
As though it didn't matter.
As though it didn't shatter
Every part of my soul.
I'm really struggling to see
What the point's supposed to be.
I don't want to be a victim.
I don't want to let that dick win.
But I feel so stuck here . . .
Like I'm in the bottom of a hole
That I'll never crawl out of.

Flickering Faith (sonnet)

Every day feels like a million long years,
And sleep runs away from me in the night.
I wish I could cry, but can't find the tears.
I'm weary from war and fresh out of fight.
My bones throb, my heart aches, and my soul groans.
I'm sick and tired of being such a blob.
Maybe he was right -- when we were alone
He said I'd always be a lazy slob.
My will power is all but depleted,
My faith flickers like an old candle lamp.
Don't want to admit that I'm defeated,
But I can't rally the soldiers from camp.
The gen'ral doesn't seem to have a plan,
And it seems all the troops turned tail and ran.

Sadness (collage)

It's Getting Old (sonnet)

How do I shake off this melancholy
And find just a little motivation?
Why can't I be the one I wish to be?
Instead I'm stuck here trapped in frustration.
Responsibility hangs like a noose
Around my neck; just waiting for the drop.
If only I could cut the burdens loose
And find a way to make the sadness stop.
I know God says to cast our cares on Him,
But I've been casting and casting away,
And still it seems there's muck that I'm stuck in.
It doesn't seem to change from day to day.
Why can't I break free from this dark gray sky?
It's getting old when all I do is cry.

No End in Sight (sonnet)

I don't want to feel this way anymore,
Struggling to make it through every day.
The laundry piles up in mounds on the floor,
And I can't make the dishes go away.
I drag my wooden body, place to place,
Sometimes, I fear, without my mind intact.
Yet always there's a smile upon my face,
They always did say I could really act.
Six o'clock arrives, I'm ready for bed,
But the work isn't done; neither am I.
My blankets cry out to snuggle my head.
I can't wait to sleep so that I can cry.
The days pass by, they never seem to end.
Right now my pillow is my only friend.

Somewhere Beyond (sonnet)

Somewhere beyond these walls there is a place
Where grass grows green and children freely play,
A safe and happy spot in time and space,
No worries are allowed to ruin the day.
Somewhere beyond this day another comes,
And I have no idea what it will hold.
I do not know if I should stay or run,
Or just stay here and keep on growing old.
Somewhere beyond this life is one brand new,
A mystical city, so I've been told,
Where no sorrow or pain ever break through,
Where memories of earth quickly grow cold.
I long to go somewhere beyond this grief
Where I can eventually find relief.

All Sorts of "Friends" (sonnet)

I see only Darkness, as I look on;
A fog of Unknown, Unheard, and Unseen.
Pity's potholes fill the road walked upon,
And Hope gets lost so easily between.
Like a frightened child, I look all around
For someone who's willing to be my guide,
Someone to lift my feet up off the ground,
Someone to walk faithfully by my side.
Injustice waves a hand in the cold air
And volunteers to share my lonely path.
Depression tiptoes in out of nowhere,
And Doubt races to me through the high grass.
I'm not alone, I have all sorts of "friends."
It's this blasted journey that never ends.