I'm Afraid to Fall in Love (Poem)

I'm afraid to fall in love,

I think I tried that way back when . . .

Back when I still believed

That love would never hurt me

Or deceive me,

Or desert me,

Never let me down again.

So won't you forgive me, please,

If I'm a bit of a slowpoke,

I promise this isn't any joke - -

I am just a “fraidy cat,” it's true,

Even though I'm totally nuts about you.

You see, I know for certain

That I like you a whole lot - -

That it feels good to hold you tight,

That I could kiss you half the night,

That I've gotten so used to you

That I'd be awful sad to lose you,

But beyond that, honey,

I must admit that I'm ashamed to say . . .

I'm afraid to fall in love.

What if what we share goes away?

What if you don't want to stay?

What if I'm not good enough somehow?

What if the timing isn't right just now?

I can say for sure how wonderful

It feels spending time with you,

How I daydream half the day away,

Wondering if you're thinking of me too.

I imagine sitting near you,

Calling you “my dear,” too.

When I feel you hold my hand,

I hope that you can understand,

But do you?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

So many painful words were spoken,

My heart has been so badly broken.

Has it finally healed itself?

Don't tell anybody else, but

I'm afraid to say “I love you.”

I'm not sure what that would mean.

Would it mean that we belong together?

Would it mean we'd last forever?

Please forgive me for not knowing

Just exactly where we're going,

I'm afraid to fall in love,

So how about we just go fishing,

Spend some time, and keep on wishing

To be friends for just awhile?

I sure do enjoy your smile.

When we're apart it's not the same,

And at the mention of you name,

I must admit,

I blush a little bit.

This feels somehow new to me,

It's been so long since I felt this way --

You have no idea what you do to me,

With the things you do and say.

Simple things that aren't so simple,

Things that make me want to fall,

Things that make me want to crawl

Begging on my hands and knees,

“Won't you stay forever, please!”

But I'm afraid to fall in love.

So if it's quite alright, I won't.

You can fall in love with me, if you want,

But it might be safer if you don't.

Because my heart's still kind of healing

And my mind's still sort of reeling

I'm just trying to stay afloat.

I don't want to say the words

Until I know I mean them.

And I suppose it's far too soon

To know for sure how I feel,

But I thought I'd let you know

I'm headed that direction,

Towards falling in love,

And it's scaring me to death.

I can barely take a breath.

When I look into your eyes,

It catches me by surprise,

And I'm not sure what to do or say?

Does it matter anyway?

I suppose what's meant to be will be,

Without help from you or me.

It's just that sometimes at night

I lie awake. I can't sleep.

My mind is full,

And my thoughts are deep.

Wondering if you're “the one,”

Wondering if you even care,

Or if I'm just another person

To take somewhere

And do stuff with.

Hang out for awhile,

Catch a quick hug & kiss.

I feel so very unsure,

So confused and insecure.

I don't know where to go from here,

If I give you the wheel,

Will you steer?

I don't know this road very well.

The last time I drove down it,

It went straight to hell.

Please be patient with me if

I'm worried we'll drive right off a cliff . . .

You see, it wouldn't be the first time

Someone broke this heart of mine.

And I don't know how many crashes I can take,

How many more times my heart can break,

Before the shattered pieces can never

Again be put back together.

So you see . . .

It's quite the awful tragedy . . .

What on earth will you do with me?

I'm afraid to fall in love.

Intimacy After an Abusive Relationship

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be physically intimate with another man after my abusive relationship.  I was just sure that if my new boyfriend even TOUCHED me that I'd be triggered and have a panic attack.  But he's been very patient, gentle, and respectful, and things are going great.

I think the key to successful physical intimacy after an abusive relationship is openness, honestly, and respect.  If you inform your partner about your potential triggers and explain to them how these types of things make you feel, then he or she can be careful to avoid those types of activities. 

I'm thankful that my new boyfriend has been patient with me and has allowed me to control the level of physical intimacy.  I highly suggest that anyone who's starting a new relationship with someone after a previously abusive relationship make it a high priority to seek out someone who has a great deal of patience and respect.  Those two things are key. 

Red flags that a new partner may exhibit that would warn you to get out of the relationship:

• Wanting to be with you constantly and not allowing you to have any "alone" time.
• Wanting to know where you are and what you are doing at all times (i.e. texting and calling you constantly to check up on you). 
• Having strange fetishes or odd sexual demands (i.e. wanting a threesome or insisting that you role play in a way that makes you uncomfortable)
• Constantly comparing you to prior partners and/or constantly talking about prior relationships.
• Pressuring you to become more intimate than you want to be, sooner than you want to, or more often than you want to
• Moving the relationship along too quickly (i.e. seriously discussing marriage too soon, etc)
• Being jealous of other friends that you may have
• Asking you lots of questions about your past but not being willing to talk about his/her past
• Being obsessed with his/her appearance and/or your appearance

There are others, of course, but those are a few warning signs to look for.  Luckily, so far, my new boyfriend has been very respectful of the boundaries I've set up and hasn't pressured me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with.  Am I in love?  It's too early to tell, but I'm definitely leaning in that direction!

Somehow It Matters If It's Real (sonnet)

Oh Heart, I thought you dead, you beat again. 
Oh Soul, I thought you stone, and yet you feel.
Oh wow, I hadn't laughed since God knows when,
And yet, somehow it matters if it's real.
I don't want just a foolish fling that fails.
I don't want empty words or shallow sex.
I've buried doubt in a coffin with nails,
If I needed drama, I'd call my ex.
I don't want a stalker who likes my feet.
I don't want a rich man who buys me things.
I want a man who is always discreet,
One who will let me try out my own wings.
Life's a scary world getting scarier.
Love? That would make my life much merrier.