In the Bottom of a Hole (poem)

Trying to block out the piercing screams of yesterday
Some days it seems like an eternity away
Other days,
I'm in a haze,
And it feels close
Like the nose
On my face.
Reaching for a sense of who I am,
Of who I was before . . .
Was I somebody back then,
Or have I always been this empty shell?
I have no way of knowing,
There's no easy way to tell.
I think I remember a little girl
That used to be me.
That used to believe in goodness.
In beauty.
In truth.
But that was long ago.
Where did she go?
Did I bury her with the babies I lost?
Was that part of the cost - -
Losing my soul in the midst of the storm?
I wish I could cry.  I wish I knew why.
I wish I could understand the reasons
For year after year of those seasons
Of waking nightmares in a living hell.
I wish I didn't remember it so well.
I wish I knew how to navigate this road,
How to straddle the potholes that emerge
Without falling back into some bottomless pit
That has no end to it.
I wish to hell that none of it was real,
That I could stuff the agony I feel,
That I could make some sense of it all.
But I can't.
It's just more and more and more of the same.
More leg-spreading, gut-wrenching, mind-blowing pain.
More heart-breaking, soul-bending, self-splitting shame.
And to think that to him it was only a game!
So here I sit, not knowing what to do.
I don't know when all this "feeling" will be through.
Do I hide? Do I fight it?
Is there any way to right it?
Will my mind forever be a shattered mess?
Is there any way to navigate this?
How do I let it go?
How can I just say it happened. It sucked.
And then walk away.
As though it didn't matter.
As though it didn't shatter
Every part of my soul.
I'm really struggling to see
What the point's supposed to be.
I don't want to be a victim.
I don't want to let that dick win.
But I feel so stuck here . . .
Like I'm in the bottom of a hole
That I'll never crawl out of.

What Where When Who Why (collage)

Who Knows? (sonnet)

Who can say where the road will go from here.
Who can know the twists, the turns, the dead ends.
Who can know when there'll be an end to fear.
Who knows who are enemies, who are friends.
How do I navigate this winding course?
How do I battle nightmares in the day?
How do I grieve what was taken by force?
How do I make the mem'ries go away?
When will I feel like I am whole again?
When will I do all the things that I must?
When will I forget the places I've been?
When will I finally learn how to trust?
The future is something I cannot see.
Guess I'll just have to keep on being me.

I Have No Clue (sonnet)

Here and there are pieces flying by --
Fragments of a past I never wanted.
Pain that sears my soul, still I cannot cry,
Despite the mem'ries with which I'm haunted.
Then and now and here and there are just mush,
A maelstrom raging deep within my soul.
The race to heal makes me feel in a rush,
And yet my heart is still so full of holes.
Particles of past and present now fuse
To create some freakish thing I call "me."
But after all the torture and abuse,
I have no clue who I'm supposed to be.
Is there a blueprint somewhere for a "self,"
Or must I put my questions on a shelf?

The Maze in My Mind (sonnet)

Ageless and nameless and faceless, I feel,
As though I do not fit in anywhere.
Are my thoughts or my feelings even real,
Or did some weird stroke of fate put them there?
There are some things I know with certainty,
But there are so many things that I doubt.
I have learned a great deal from books, you see,
But there's still so much I can't figure out. 
Do others struggle with questions like these,
Or am I just some special kind of freak?
Will my heart and mind ever be at ease?
Will I ever find the answers I seek?
How on earth will I ever hope to find
A way to explain the maze in my mind?

Was This the Only Way? (sonnet)

Gut wrenching sobs from the pit of my soul,
I try to stop, but the tears still flow on.
Feels like I'm broken in two, never whole,
All the days since my children have been gone.
I pray, but my prayers bounce right off the wall.
I beg and I plead for God to hear me.
I wish I could protect them from this all,
What I wouldn't give to have them near me.
But God is asleep, or maybe He's deaf,
Or maybe He just simply doesn't care.
I've cried til I haven't any tears left,
But it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
What is it that You're trying to teach me?
Was this the only way You could reach me?

A Longing for Heaven (sonnet)

When questions line up like soldiers in line
To take their shot at my crumbling resolve,
When each day seems lacking sufficient time,
And the problems seem too many to solve,
When the worries press and the cares distress,
When the bills are many and checks are few,
When all of life seems a big, jumbled mess,
And I seldom seem to know what to do,
When I fall to the floor on shaking knees,
When I cry to the sky without reply,
When I beg of God, and even say please,
And yet still don't have the answer to "why?"
That's when I cling to promises He's giv'n.
That's when I feel a longing for heaven.