Showing posts with label dissociation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissociation. Show all posts
Monday, May 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - aka PTSD? (article)
When I tell people that I suffer from complex PTSD as a result of various traumas and my abusive marriage, I often get blank stares or questioning looks. So, in hopes of somewhat enlightening those who are fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with PTSD, here is a brief explanation. If you wish, you can, of course, google it and there's a plethora of information available. However, I'll try to give you a sort of 'Reader's Digest Condensed Version' to save you some time.... Honestly, I DID try to keep it short .... REALLY! Portions that are highlighted in red and bolded are things that I can personally relate to and am now experiencing or have experienced in the past.
-------------------------------
Q: What is PTSD, who gets it, and what causes it?
A: Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a condition that has both emotional and physical components.
Although it has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980. Before then it was known by a variety of names (usually in connecting with various wars, etc.): soldier's heart, combat fatigue, post-Vietnam syndrome, battle fatigue, and shell shock.
Virtually any event that is (or is perceived as) life-threatening or that severely compromises the physical or emotional well-being of an individual may cause PTSD. Examples include things such as:
(*) experiencing or witnessing a severe accident or physical injury,
(*) being the victim of kidnapping or torture,
(*) exposure to military combat or a disaster (hurricane, plane crash, etc.),
(*) being the victim of rape, mugging, robbery or assault; or
(*) enduring physical, sexual, emotional, or other forms of abuse.
Q: Does everyone who experiences trauma develop PTSD, or are some people more at risk than others?
A: Not everyone who survives traumatic events will develop PTSD. Issues that tend to put people at a higher risk for developing PTSD include:
(*) the individual experienced trauma as a child,
(*) the individual experienced trauma over an extended period of time,
(*) the individual experienced very severe physical and/or emotional pain,
(*) the individual had an emotional condition prior to the trauma (low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, etc.), or
(*) the individual was isolated and had little social support in the form of family or friends.
Q: What are some of the symptoms of PTSD?
A: The three groups of symptoms that are required to assign the diagnosis of PTSD are:
RE-EXPERIENCING, AVOIDANCE/NUMBING, and HYPER-AROUSAL.
Symptoms that fall under re-experiencing are:
• Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the trauma -- including images, thoughts, and/or perceptions
• Body memories (not a conscious recollection of what they are re-experiencing but they will often experience the same physical pain).
• Recurrent distressing dreams of the trauma (nightmares).
• Acting or feeling as if the trauma were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, dissociative flashback episodes, especially upon first awakening from sleep).
• Intense psychological distress at exposure to triggers (internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the trauma). Fear, anxiety, depression, etc. • Intense physical reactions upon exposure to triggers. (Difficulty breathing, pain, nausea, headache, dizziness, numbness/tingling, heart racing, etc.)
Symptoms that fall under avoidance/numbing are:
• Make an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with trauma.
• Make an effort to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma (for example: avoiding going to the doctor, a former place where the person lived, certain types of clothing, certain rooms, sounds, smells, etc.)
• Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma.
• Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
• Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others.
• Restricted range of affect (able to have loving feelings but unable to express anger or vice versa; feeling emotionally numb or "robotic").
Symptoms that fall under hyper-arousal are:
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep.
• Irritability or outbursts of anger.
• Difficulty concentrating. (this is a BIGGIE for me)
• Hyper vigilance (walking on eggshells/always being 'on guard').
• Increased or exaggerated startle response.
In addition, the following groups of symptoms MAY occur in some individuals with PTSD (most commonly seen in response to added stress):
• Impaired ability to regulate emotion.
• Ambivalence.
• Self-destructive and/or impulsive behavior.
• Increased need to be around others.
• Re-enactment of past traumas.
• Dissociative symptoms.
• Feelings of ineffectiveness and incompetency.
• Shame.
• Despair or hopelessness
• Feeling victimized.
• Feeling permanently damaged.
• Loss of previously sustained beliefs.
• Hostility.
• Social withdrawal and isolation.
• Feeling constantly threatened or unsafe.
• Impaired relationships with others.
• Addictions - may try to self-medicate PTSD symptoms with a substance or constantly occupy oneself with activity (work lots of overtime, take on extra projects, etc).
Q: How is one diagnosed with PTSD?
A: At least one re-experiencing symptom, three avoidance/numbing symptoms, and two hyperarousal symptoms must be present for at least one month and must cause significant distress or functional impairment in order for the diagnosis of PTSD to be assigned. PTSD is considered of chronic duration if it persists for three months or more.
Q: You say you have complex PTSD. What is that?
A: Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a more complicated/chronic type of the condition that usually results from prolonged exposure to trauma and is characterized by long-lasting problems with many aspects of emotional and social functioning. Basically think of it as PTSD on steroids!
In addition to the symptoms associated with "normal" PTSD, symptoms that tend to be associated with C-PTSD include: significant problems expressing and/or regulating feelings; a tendency to forget the trauma or feel detached from one's life (dissociation) or body (depersonalization); persistent feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, or being completely different from others; and severe change in those things that give the sufferer meaning (such as a loss of spiritual faith or an ongoing sense of helplessness, hopelessness, or despair).
Q: How is PTSD treated?
A: Since PTSD affects both the body and the mind, effective treatment approaches will generally have both psychological and medical components. Professional help is usually required and one or more of the following may be used:
(*) Education - teaching individuals about what PTSD is, that it is caused by extraordinary stress rather than weakness, how it is treated, and what to expect in treatment. This education thereby increases the likelihood that inaccurate ideas the person may have about the illness are dispelled, and any shame they may feel about having it is minimized. Teaching people with PTSD practical approaches to coping with what can be very intense and disturbing symptoms has been found to be another useful way to treat the illness.
(*) Relaxation - helping sufferers learn how to manage fear & anxiety, improve their communication skills, and use relaxation techniques can help individuals with PTSD gain a sense of mastery over their emotional and physical symptoms.
(*) Cognitive behavioral therapy - helps people with PTSD recognize and adjust trauma-related thoughts and beliefs by educating them about the relationships between thoughts and feelings, exploring common negative thoughts held by traumatized individuals, developing alternative interpretations, and by practicing new ways of looking at things. This treatment also involves practicing learned techniques in real-life situations. (I personally haven't found this to be too helpful as some of my symptoms are bodily responses that just don't seem to respond to this type of therapy.)
(*) Somatic Trauma therapy - In development since 1992, Somatic Trauma Therapy is not a single method, but an integrated system of psychotherapy and body-psychotherapy that continues to evolve as new theory and techniques emerge in the field. Somatic Trauma Therapy addresses all aspects of trauma's impact -- on thinking, emotions, and bodily sensations -- bringing them into sync, and relegating trauma to it's rightful place in the past. So, I guess you could call it a "combo" approach to PTSD. (My own experience with this type of therapy is that it's gut-wrenching, pain-staking work that involves processing the trauma itself, a bit at a time, and re-experiencing it in "real time." This can be excruciatingly painful and exhausting, both emotionally and physically.)
(*) Eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of cognitive therapy in which the practitioner guides the person with PTSD in talking about the trauma suffered and the negative feelings associated with the events, while focusing on the professional's rapidly moving finger. While some research indicates this treatment may be effective, it is unclear if this is any more effective than cognitive therapy that is done without the use of rapid eye movement. (This technique didn't help me all that much using eye movements. My therapist instead had me close my eyes and she gently tapped the tops of my outstretched hands alternately in a rhythmic manner. This seemed to be a bit more effective for me.)
(*) Directly addressing sleep problems - not only helps alleviate those problems but also helps decrease the symptoms of PTSD in general. Specifically, rehearsing adaptive ways of coping with nightmares (imagery rehearsal therapy), training in relaxation techniques, positive self-talk, and screening for other sleep problems have been found to be particularly helpful in decreasing the sleep problems associated with PTSD. (I currently take a prescription medication to help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Without it, I cannot sleep. I also utilize several relaxation and meditation techniques to help "destress" before bedtime.)
(*) Medications - in some cases medication can help PTSD sufferers by decreasing the physical and emotional symptoms associated with condition. SSRIs are the first group of medications that have achieved approval by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of PTSD. These medicines have been found to help PTSD sufferers modify information that is taken in from the environment (stimuli) and to decrease fear. Research also shows that this group of medicines tends to decrease anxiety, depression, and panic. (I'm currently taking prescription medications for anxiety, depression, and insomnia.)
The following quote explains fairly well how PTSD can potentially develop when a person becomes overwhelmed by trauma:
"The human response to danger is a complex, integrated system of reactions, encompassing both body and mind. Threat initially arouses the sympathetic nervous system, causing the person in danger to feel an adrenaline rush and to go into a state of alert. Threat also concentrates a person's attention on the immediate situation. In addition, threat may alter ordinary perceptions: people in danger are often able to disregard hunger, fatigue, or pain. Finally, threat evokes intense feelings of fear and anger. These changes in arousal, attention, perception, and emotion are normal, adaptive responses. They mobilize the threatened person for strenuous action, either in battle or in flight...Traumatic reactions (such as PTSD) occur when action is of no avail. When neither resistance nor escape is possible, the human system of self-defense becomes overwhelmed and disorganized. Each component of the ordinary response to danger, having lost it's utility, tends to persist in an altered and exaggerated state after the actual danger is over....Traumatic events produce profound and lasting changes in physiological arousal, emotion, cognition, and memory. Moreover, traumatic events may sever these normally integrated functions from one another. The traumatized person may experience intense emotion without clear memory of the event, or may remember everything in detail but without emotion."
(From p. 43 of Judith Lewis Herman's book "Trauma and Recovery").
Hope that helps! I welcome any further questions or comments.
-------------------------------
Q: What is PTSD, who gets it, and what causes it?
A: Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a condition that has both emotional and physical components.
Although it has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980. Before then it was known by a variety of names (usually in connecting with various wars, etc.): soldier's heart, combat fatigue, post-Vietnam syndrome, battle fatigue, and shell shock.
Virtually any event that is (or is perceived as) life-threatening or that severely compromises the physical or emotional well-being of an individual may cause PTSD. Examples include things such as:
(*) experiencing or witnessing a severe accident or physical injury,
(*) being the victim of kidnapping or torture,
(*) exposure to military combat or a disaster (hurricane, plane crash, etc.),
(*) being the victim of rape, mugging, robbery or assault; or
(*) enduring physical, sexual, emotional, or other forms of abuse.
Q: Does everyone who experiences trauma develop PTSD, or are some people more at risk than others?
A: Not everyone who survives traumatic events will develop PTSD. Issues that tend to put people at a higher risk for developing PTSD include:
(*) the individual experienced trauma as a child,
(*) the individual experienced trauma over an extended period of time,
(*) the individual experienced very severe physical and/or emotional pain,
(*) the individual had an emotional condition prior to the trauma (low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, etc.), or
(*) the individual was isolated and had little social support in the form of family or friends.
Q: What are some of the symptoms of PTSD?
A: The three groups of symptoms that are required to assign the diagnosis of PTSD are:
RE-EXPERIENCING, AVOIDANCE/NUMBING, and HYPER-AROUSAL.
Symptoms that fall under re-experiencing are:
• Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the trauma -- including images, thoughts, and/or perceptions
• Body memories (not a conscious recollection of what they are re-experiencing but they will often experience the same physical pain).
• Recurrent distressing dreams of the trauma (nightmares).
• Acting or feeling as if the trauma were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, dissociative flashback episodes, especially upon first awakening from sleep).
• Intense psychological distress at exposure to triggers (internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the trauma). Fear, anxiety, depression, etc. • Intense physical reactions upon exposure to triggers. (Difficulty breathing, pain, nausea, headache, dizziness, numbness/tingling, heart racing, etc.)
Symptoms that fall under avoidance/numbing are:
• Make an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with trauma.
• Make an effort to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma (for example: avoiding going to the doctor, a former place where the person lived, certain types of clothing, certain rooms, sounds, smells, etc.)
• Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma.
• Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
• Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others.
• Restricted range of affect (able to have loving feelings but unable to express anger or vice versa; feeling emotionally numb or "robotic").
Symptoms that fall under hyper-arousal are:
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep.
• Irritability or outbursts of anger.
• Difficulty concentrating. (this is a BIGGIE for me)
• Hyper vigilance (walking on eggshells/always being 'on guard').
• Increased or exaggerated startle response.
In addition, the following groups of symptoms MAY occur in some individuals with PTSD (most commonly seen in response to added stress):
• Impaired ability to regulate emotion.
• Ambivalence.
• Self-destructive and/or impulsive behavior.
• Increased need to be around others.
• Re-enactment of past traumas.
• Dissociative symptoms.
• Feelings of ineffectiveness and incompetency.
• Shame.
• Despair or hopelessness
• Feeling victimized.
• Feeling permanently damaged.
• Loss of previously sustained beliefs.
• Hostility.
• Social withdrawal and isolation.
• Feeling constantly threatened or unsafe.
• Impaired relationships with others.
• Addictions - may try to self-medicate PTSD symptoms with a substance or constantly occupy oneself with activity (work lots of overtime, take on extra projects, etc).
Q: How is one diagnosed with PTSD?
A: At least one re-experiencing symptom, three avoidance/numbing symptoms, and two hyperarousal symptoms must be present for at least one month and must cause significant distress or functional impairment in order for the diagnosis of PTSD to be assigned. PTSD is considered of chronic duration if it persists for three months or more.
Q: You say you have complex PTSD. What is that?
A: Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a more complicated/chronic type of the condition that usually results from prolonged exposure to trauma and is characterized by long-lasting problems with many aspects of emotional and social functioning. Basically think of it as PTSD on steroids!
In addition to the symptoms associated with "normal" PTSD, symptoms that tend to be associated with C-PTSD include: significant problems expressing and/or regulating feelings; a tendency to forget the trauma or feel detached from one's life (dissociation) or body (depersonalization); persistent feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, or being completely different from others; and severe change in those things that give the sufferer meaning (such as a loss of spiritual faith or an ongoing sense of helplessness, hopelessness, or despair).
Q: How is PTSD treated?
A: Since PTSD affects both the body and the mind, effective treatment approaches will generally have both psychological and medical components. Professional help is usually required and one or more of the following may be used:
(*) Education - teaching individuals about what PTSD is, that it is caused by extraordinary stress rather than weakness, how it is treated, and what to expect in treatment. This education thereby increases the likelihood that inaccurate ideas the person may have about the illness are dispelled, and any shame they may feel about having it is minimized. Teaching people with PTSD practical approaches to coping with what can be very intense and disturbing symptoms has been found to be another useful way to treat the illness.
(*) Relaxation - helping sufferers learn how to manage fear & anxiety, improve their communication skills, and use relaxation techniques can help individuals with PTSD gain a sense of mastery over their emotional and physical symptoms.
(*) Cognitive behavioral therapy - helps people with PTSD recognize and adjust trauma-related thoughts and beliefs by educating them about the relationships between thoughts and feelings, exploring common negative thoughts held by traumatized individuals, developing alternative interpretations, and by practicing new ways of looking at things. This treatment also involves practicing learned techniques in real-life situations. (I personally haven't found this to be too helpful as some of my symptoms are bodily responses that just don't seem to respond to this type of therapy.)
(*) Somatic Trauma therapy - In development since 1992, Somatic Trauma Therapy is not a single method, but an integrated system of psychotherapy and body-psychotherapy that continues to evolve as new theory and techniques emerge in the field. Somatic Trauma Therapy addresses all aspects of trauma's impact -- on thinking, emotions, and bodily sensations -- bringing them into sync, and relegating trauma to it's rightful place in the past. So, I guess you could call it a "combo" approach to PTSD. (My own experience with this type of therapy is that it's gut-wrenching, pain-staking work that involves processing the trauma itself, a bit at a time, and re-experiencing it in "real time." This can be excruciatingly painful and exhausting, both emotionally and physically.)
(*) Eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of cognitive therapy in which the practitioner guides the person with PTSD in talking about the trauma suffered and the negative feelings associated with the events, while focusing on the professional's rapidly moving finger. While some research indicates this treatment may be effective, it is unclear if this is any more effective than cognitive therapy that is done without the use of rapid eye movement. (This technique didn't help me all that much using eye movements. My therapist instead had me close my eyes and she gently tapped the tops of my outstretched hands alternately in a rhythmic manner. This seemed to be a bit more effective for me.)
(*) Directly addressing sleep problems - not only helps alleviate those problems but also helps decrease the symptoms of PTSD in general. Specifically, rehearsing adaptive ways of coping with nightmares (imagery rehearsal therapy), training in relaxation techniques, positive self-talk, and screening for other sleep problems have been found to be particularly helpful in decreasing the sleep problems associated with PTSD. (I currently take a prescription medication to help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Without it, I cannot sleep. I also utilize several relaxation and meditation techniques to help "destress" before bedtime.)
(*) Medications - in some cases medication can help PTSD sufferers by decreasing the physical and emotional symptoms associated with condition. SSRIs are the first group of medications that have achieved approval by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of PTSD. These medicines have been found to help PTSD sufferers modify information that is taken in from the environment (stimuli) and to decrease fear. Research also shows that this group of medicines tends to decrease anxiety, depression, and panic. (I'm currently taking prescription medications for anxiety, depression, and insomnia.)
The following quote explains fairly well how PTSD can potentially develop when a person becomes overwhelmed by trauma:
"The human response to danger is a complex, integrated system of reactions, encompassing both body and mind. Threat initially arouses the sympathetic nervous system, causing the person in danger to feel an adrenaline rush and to go into a state of alert. Threat also concentrates a person's attention on the immediate situation. In addition, threat may alter ordinary perceptions: people in danger are often able to disregard hunger, fatigue, or pain. Finally, threat evokes intense feelings of fear and anger. These changes in arousal, attention, perception, and emotion are normal, adaptive responses. They mobilize the threatened person for strenuous action, either in battle or in flight...Traumatic reactions (such as PTSD) occur when action is of no avail. When neither resistance nor escape is possible, the human system of self-defense becomes overwhelmed and disorganized. Each component of the ordinary response to danger, having lost it's utility, tends to persist in an altered and exaggerated state after the actual danger is over....Traumatic events produce profound and lasting changes in physiological arousal, emotion, cognition, and memory. Moreover, traumatic events may sever these normally integrated functions from one another. The traumatized person may experience intense emotion without clear memory of the event, or may remember everything in detail but without emotion."
(From p. 43 of Judith Lewis Herman's book "Trauma and Recovery").
Hope that helps! I welcome any further questions or comments.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Molten Mush (sonnet)
I can't concentrate enough to crochet.
My brain is one big gob of molten mush.
How will I ever make it through this day,
Do supper, laundry, and homework and such?
I feel so embarrassed asking for help,
Though it's a relief to know help is there.
Wish I had the strength to do it myself,
But the load right now's more than I can bear.
If only the flashbacks would stay away.
If only the memories wouldn't come up.
If only I'd keep the feelings at bay,
Then I think I could survive well enough.
The past keeps bubbling up into my face.
I still can't seem to find a peaceful place.
My brain is one big gob of molten mush.
How will I ever make it through this day,
Do supper, laundry, and homework and such?
I feel so embarrassed asking for help,
Though it's a relief to know help is there.
Wish I had the strength to do it myself,
But the load right now's more than I can bear.
If only the flashbacks would stay away.
If only the memories wouldn't come up.
If only I'd keep the feelings at bay,
Then I think I could survive well enough.
The past keeps bubbling up into my face.
I still can't seem to find a peaceful place.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Survivors with a Voice (sonnet)
He took my body from me as he liked.
He made my very life a living hell.
Now, it seems, I have to stand up and fight
So I don't lose my mind to him as well.
Though I feel the gears slipping a little,
I'm holding on with all that I have left.
Though my soul's scarred and my brain is brittle,
I will fight this to my very last breath.
I'll be damned if I'm going to give up now,
After all the hell he has put me through.
I'll stay together, though I don't know how.
I won't give up. I've got too much to do.
Take the mem'ries and flashbacks and shove them.
Survivors with a voice, gotta love them!
He made my very life a living hell.
Now, it seems, I have to stand up and fight
So I don't lose my mind to him as well.
Though I feel the gears slipping a little,
I'm holding on with all that I have left.
Though my soul's scarred and my brain is brittle,
I will fight this to my very last breath.
I'll be damned if I'm going to give up now,
After all the hell he has put me through.
I'll stay together, though I don't know how.
I won't give up. I've got too much to do.
Take the mem'ries and flashbacks and shove them.
Survivors with a voice, gotta love them!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Drunk Driver (poem)
Lured by floating bubbles of flirtation,
Enamored with the thought of being loved,
Stunned by his silky, smooth incantation,
I lost track of any rules that I might have thought of.
I was under age, but he served me just the same.
He didn't care that I was but a child.
He left my heart a tattered mess,
And my mind a circus, running wild.
Another bar, this one deep underground.
Where only the "privileged" were allowed.
They served me there,
Both day or night,
Sometimes there was quite a crowd.
The bartenders came
One after another,
Serving me more quickly
Than I could recover.
I left that bar determined
Never to try to leave the road again
I did my best to steer clear
Of all the stinking, drinking men.
But then came a man I couldn't resist.
His words were so smooth,
And how sweet was his kiss.
"Drink with me," he implored.
My attempts to say no
Were always ignored.
He poured me one glass after another,
Til I was too drunk to stand.
His words cut through me like a knife,
(I wondered, "why am I his wife?")
He smothered me
Until I couldn't breathe,
Until I couldn't see,
And yet I couldn't leave.
Just when I would start to sober up,
He'd pour another soul piercing drink,
Until I couldn't function any more,
Let alone try to think.
So I learned to drive the road of life,
Though sloshed by the pain he served up.
I kept it between the lines as best I could,
But, oh, how I longed to just give up.
But alas, I could not,
For I had children in the back seat
Depending on me
For love, for direction, for comfort, for meat.
Soon I was reduced
To talking to myself,
For he forbid me to speak
With anyone else.
Simple chants in the back of my mind,
(Where I hid from his ranting most of the time).
I hung on for dear life
To my sanity,
And repeated the simple rules
That life had taught me:
"Red means stop.
Green means go.
Don't go too fast.
Don't go too slow.
Don't leave the road,
Don't be too early.
Don't be too late.
Keep it between the lines.
Hold the wheel straight."
I got pulled over and detained a few times
By those who saw the warning signs --
Like my vehicle swerving back and forth
Or driving right off the road at times.
"Have you had anything to drink, young lady?"
"Only pain," I said, as though they'd understand.
Hoping that somehow maybe
They were different than every other man.
I would eventually jump through their hoops --
I would touch my own nose
And walk a straight line,
And somehow convince them that I was "just fine."
They'd smile at me,
Pat themselves on the back,
And let me go back for more --
With the lamest of warnings
To drive a bit slower.
As if I could control the speed at which life raced by,
As if I could predict when I'd break down and cry.
"Just keep it between the lines," I would think,
And please, Lord, let there be no more
That I am forced to drink."
You see, I never chose to put the cup to my lips.
I never wanted a single one of those evil sips.
Now here I am, still sloshed from the shame,
Wondering how to play this confusing game.
Some make it seem so simple,
But to me it's a mystery
How some can walk through life unscathed,
While others end up scarred like me.
Just keep on driving, I tell myself,
Just follow the road and see where it goes.
But at the rate I'm going,
My destination is one that nobody knows.
I often veer from one side to the other,
Trying to find my way.
I hit the curbs, I cross the lines,
And I run a stop sign almost every day.
I try to go when I see green,
I try to stop when I see red.
I try to follow the rules of the road,
But inside I feel like I'm already dead.
Just a dummy behind the wheel,
A crash test dummy --
That's how I feel.
I want to believe there's a higher power
That will guide me along this road,
But day by day and hour by hour,
It seems I carry a heavier load.
What would they say if they could see inside?
There's no way to count the tears I've cried.
How many years was I Frankensteins's bride?
In the end, does it even matter how hard I tried?
I don't know how much longer
I can hold the steering wheel steady,
How long it will be til I'm stronger,
How long it will be til I'm ready
To face the pain that's intoxicated me,
To sober up,
To finally be free.
I want my life back, and my sanity too.
I don't want to be a zombie
Merely stumbling my way through.
Still I sense that it's apparent to all
When they see me stumbling around
That I must have stayed through last call,
That I'm five minutes from collapsing on the ground.
I watch as other vehicles pass me by,
As I struggle along in the slow lane.
I try not to crash as I break down and cry,
And pray that I don't go totally insane.
Sometimes it seems nobody really even cares
That I'm a multiple trauma survivor.
They look at me and all that they see
Is just another drunk driver.
Enamored with the thought of being loved,
Stunned by his silky, smooth incantation,
I lost track of any rules that I might have thought of.
I was under age, but he served me just the same.
He didn't care that I was but a child.
He left my heart a tattered mess,
And my mind a circus, running wild.
Another bar, this one deep underground.
Where only the "privileged" were allowed.
They served me there,
Both day or night,
Sometimes there was quite a crowd.
The bartenders came
One after another,
Serving me more quickly
Than I could recover.
I left that bar determined
Never to try to leave the road again
I did my best to steer clear
Of all the stinking, drinking men.
But then came a man I couldn't resist.
His words were so smooth,
And how sweet was his kiss.
"Drink with me," he implored.
My attempts to say no
Were always ignored.
He poured me one glass after another,
Til I was too drunk to stand.
His words cut through me like a knife,
(I wondered, "why am I his wife?")
He smothered me
Until I couldn't breathe,
Until I couldn't see,
And yet I couldn't leave.
Just when I would start to sober up,
He'd pour another soul piercing drink,
Until I couldn't function any more,
Let alone try to think.
So I learned to drive the road of life,
Though sloshed by the pain he served up.
I kept it between the lines as best I could,
But, oh, how I longed to just give up.
But alas, I could not,
For I had children in the back seat
Depending on me
For love, for direction, for comfort, for meat.
Soon I was reduced
To talking to myself,
For he forbid me to speak
With anyone else.
Simple chants in the back of my mind,
(Where I hid from his ranting most of the time).
I hung on for dear life
To my sanity,
And repeated the simple rules
That life had taught me:
"Red means stop.
Green means go.
Don't go too fast.
Don't go too slow.
Don't leave the road,
Don't be too early.
Don't be too late.
Keep it between the lines.
Hold the wheel straight."
I got pulled over and detained a few times
By those who saw the warning signs --
Like my vehicle swerving back and forth
Or driving right off the road at times.
"Have you had anything to drink, young lady?"
"Only pain," I said, as though they'd understand.
Hoping that somehow maybe
They were different than every other man.
I would eventually jump through their hoops --
I would touch my own nose
And walk a straight line,
And somehow convince them that I was "just fine."
They'd smile at me,
Pat themselves on the back,
And let me go back for more --
With the lamest of warnings
To drive a bit slower.
As if I could control the speed at which life raced by,
As if I could predict when I'd break down and cry.
"Just keep it between the lines," I would think,
And please, Lord, let there be no more
That I am forced to drink."
You see, I never chose to put the cup to my lips.
I never wanted a single one of those evil sips.
Now here I am, still sloshed from the shame,
Wondering how to play this confusing game.
Some make it seem so simple,
But to me it's a mystery
How some can walk through life unscathed,
While others end up scarred like me.
Just keep on driving, I tell myself,
Just follow the road and see where it goes.
But at the rate I'm going,
My destination is one that nobody knows.
I often veer from one side to the other,
Trying to find my way.
I hit the curbs, I cross the lines,
And I run a stop sign almost every day.
I try to go when I see green,
I try to stop when I see red.
I try to follow the rules of the road,
But inside I feel like I'm already dead.
Just a dummy behind the wheel,
A crash test dummy --
That's how I feel.
I want to believe there's a higher power
That will guide me along this road,
But day by day and hour by hour,
It seems I carry a heavier load.
What would they say if they could see inside?
There's no way to count the tears I've cried.
How many years was I Frankensteins's bride?
In the end, does it even matter how hard I tried?
I don't know how much longer
I can hold the steering wheel steady,
How long it will be til I'm stronger,
How long it will be til I'm ready
To face the pain that's intoxicated me,
To sober up,
To finally be free.
I want my life back, and my sanity too.
I don't want to be a zombie
Merely stumbling my way through.
Still I sense that it's apparent to all
When they see me stumbling around
That I must have stayed through last call,
That I'm five minutes from collapsing on the ground.
I watch as other vehicles pass me by,
As I struggle along in the slow lane.
I try not to crash as I break down and cry,
And pray that I don't go totally insane.
Sometimes it seems nobody really even cares
That I'm a multiple trauma survivor.
They look at me and all that they see
Is just another drunk driver.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
An Army of Many, But One (sonnet)
The war's been over for many years now,
And most of the troops have long since gone home.
A few soldiers still remain, though, somehow,
And continue to battle on their own.
I don't remember when the first draft was,
Or just exactly why it was needed.
I thought the cadets all went home because
The last of the foes had been defeated.
But apparently the news never reached
The deepest part of my fragmented soul.
Some must have missed the sermons that I preached.
It may take some time until I am whole.
The war's over, but the work's just begun.
I am an army of many, but one.
And most of the troops have long since gone home.
A few soldiers still remain, though, somehow,
And continue to battle on their own.
I don't remember when the first draft was,
Or just exactly why it was needed.
I thought the cadets all went home because
The last of the foes had been defeated.
But apparently the news never reached
The deepest part of my fragmented soul.
Some must have missed the sermons that I preached.
It may take some time until I am whole.
The war's over, but the work's just begun.
I am an army of many, but one.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Never Be the Same (sonnet)
From the moment we met, I ceased to live.
My self became a shadow with no voice.
I gave you all of me that I could give.
You never even gave me one small choice.
I soon stopped even thinking for myself --
My thoughts didn't really matter at all.
It was your way or the highway, or else . . .
Either way, I was up against a wall.
Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.
I gave up even feeling what you did.
Each time you drug me off to go to bed,
I found a spot inside my head and hid.
A child was all I was before you came.
I know that I will never be the same.
My self became a shadow with no voice.
I gave you all of me that I could give.
You never even gave me one small choice.
I soon stopped even thinking for myself --
My thoughts didn't really matter at all.
It was your way or the highway, or else . . .
Either way, I was up against a wall.
Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.
I gave up even feeling what you did.
Each time you drug me off to go to bed,
I found a spot inside my head and hid.
A child was all I was before you came.
I know that I will never be the same.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
The Maze in My Mind (sonnet)
Ageless and nameless and faceless, I feel,
As though I do not fit in anywhere.
Are my thoughts or my feelings even real,
Or did some weird stroke of fate put them there?
There are some things I know with certainty,
But there are so many things that I doubt.
I have learned a great deal from books, you see,
But there's still so much I can't figure out.
Do others struggle with questions like these,
Or am I just some special kind of freak?
Will my heart and mind ever be at ease?
Will I ever find the answers I seek?
How on earth will I ever hope to find
A way to explain the maze in my mind?
As though I do not fit in anywhere.
Are my thoughts or my feelings even real,
Or did some weird stroke of fate put them there?
There are some things I know with certainty,
But there are so many things that I doubt.
I have learned a great deal from books, you see,
But there's still so much I can't figure out.
Do others struggle with questions like these,
Or am I just some special kind of freak?
Will my heart and mind ever be at ease?
Will I ever find the answers I seek?
How on earth will I ever hope to find
A way to explain the maze in my mind?
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I Forgot It All
Since I first felt the burning sting of shame?
When did I find a shelf to place it on,
The things I couldn't face and couldn't name?
How many years have passed since I lost track
Of things I never thought that I'd forget?
When did I bury all my dreams out back,
Amidst the desert sand and my regret?
How many moons ago did I give up,
Convinced it was my lot in life to be
Content to sip this awful, bitter cup,
And never let the sorrow get to me?
Time doesn't heal all wounds, as I recall;
There was a reason I forgot it all.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Standing Tall (sonnet)
I did not give up, did not cease to fight.
I chose to find a way I could survive.
I weighed the risk, did what I felt was right;
I saved myself and vowed to stay alive.
I held onto my "self" as best I could.
I fought to stay in touch with what was real.
I lived through things that no one ever should,
Experienced feelings none should have to feel.
I lost some battles, but I won the war.
I'm still not whole, but I am standing tall.
I may not understand the reasons for
The pain he caused or why I took it all.
I cannot blame myself for giving in;
By letting go, I found a way to win.
I chose to find a way I could survive.
I weighed the risk, did what I felt was right;
I saved myself and vowed to stay alive.
I held onto my "self" as best I could.
I fought to stay in touch with what was real.
I lived through things that no one ever should,
Experienced feelings none should have to feel.
I lost some battles, but I won the war.
I'm still not whole, but I am standing tall.
I may not understand the reasons for
The pain he caused or why I took it all.
I cannot blame myself for giving in;
By letting go, I found a way to win.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Giving up the Fight (artwork; trigger warning)
I apologize in advance if this piece of artwork is disturbing to you. I'm simply trying to wade my way through all of the perverse images that swirl around my mind these days. Sometimes it's so hard to fit the pieces together. What I find the most disconcerting is that in many of these images, I see myself in such a submissive state, as though I had completely given up, as though I no longer cared what happened to me, and had simply accepted what was happening as my "lot in life." Sometimes I will have a clear recollection of thinking to myself, "If I do this, at least something worse won't happen tonight." It's like I had lost all will to fight back.
I've tried to determine when exactly this change took place. Was there a moment in time that I decided it wasn't worth the struggle, that pain was inevitable and I might as well choose the least painful thing? Was there a day that I suddenly relinquished any right to my own body? Or was it a gradual process that incidiously ate away at the very core of my being until I had no strength left to resist? I honestly can't say.
I'm ashamed to admit that I gave up, that I stopped fighting back, that I just lay there and "took it" like a lump of nothingness. At some point, I guess I quit feeling. But did I really? I find it hard to believe that there wasn't at least some internal response to the excruciating pain, humiliation, and degradation. It's more likely that I dissociated whenever I got overwhelmed physically and/or emotionally.
I've tried to determine when exactly this change took place. Was there a moment in time that I decided it wasn't worth the struggle, that pain was inevitable and I might as well choose the least painful thing? Was there a day that I suddenly relinquished any right to my own body? Or was it a gradual process that incidiously ate away at the very core of my being until I had no strength left to resist? I honestly can't say.
I'm ashamed to admit that I gave up, that I stopped fighting back, that I just lay there and "took it" like a lump of nothingness. At some point, I guess I quit feeling. But did I really? I find it hard to believe that there wasn't at least some internal response to the excruciating pain, humiliation, and degradation. It's more likely that I dissociated whenever I got overwhelmed physically and/or emotionally.
This is a very difficult image for me. I know it happened a lot. Several times a week, as best I can recall. I can feel my face mashed into him and his hands pushing so hard against the back of my head that my neck hurt. I can smell the musky smell between his legs and sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with a choking sensation and a salty taste in my mouth. I chose the swirly background because sometimes I would get so dizzy that the "room would swim" and I'd "see stars" because it was very hard to breathe. Aside from the fact that I was probably a little low on oxygen to the brain now and then LOL, I would put myself into sort of a trance and visualize something sort of like the swirls in this picture. I would close my eyes and points of light would go around and around in circles.
And yet, I would just kneel there. Like a robot. Like a servant. Like it was my duty. I can see myself just sitting there totally limp and lifeless, gagging, trying to breathe, trying to pull away just enough to take a breath and him smashing himself down my throat. "Swallow it," he'd order, "Just swallow it." I can feel the cold tile of the bathroom floor sometimes. Other times, he'd have me sit on the toilet and he would stand in front of me. That was a little "better" because at least my neck wasn't at such a crazy angle.
Truthfully, even though I DETESTED sucking him off, I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I would OFFER it to him to avoid the more painful alternatives. I hate myself for being so weak, for thinking so little of myself that I would essentially try to "bargain" my way out of pain. "I'll give you a blow job if you'll leave me alone for the rest of the night." I don't know how many times I said that. The sickening thing is, sometimes I'd go through a half hour of agonizing fellatio, "comforting" myself with the fact that at least for that night I wouldn't get raped, and then he'd go back on his word and wake me up at 2 in the morning ANYWAY and say, "Oh, that was just a warmup. Time for round 2."
How did I manage to survive? Why didn't I go insane? Maybe I DID go insane . . . a little . . . LOL . . . what "normal" person would spend hours on end recreating disgusting graphic images of horrible memories.
But at the moment, it seems to be helping me "get it out," so bear with me and I apologize for the content of the "art." One of these days I'll have to do something a little more "nice" for a change.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
7-7 New artwork (trigger warning)
I've been having such trouble with nightmares lately. And what I call "daymares" LOL . . . I'm awake, but it feels like when you're trapped in a nightmare and you KNOW it's a dream, but you can't wake up. Anyhow, there's a lot of stuff that I can't really talk about yet, but I've been able to "draw about it." I can't even really say much about these except that each one took several hours to complete.
Anyhow, I hope you didn't find these too disturbing. I'll post one in a new post that's a little bit more conventional that I've just finished today (Shadow Girl).
Friday, April 30, 2010
Just a Ghost (Acrostic Sonnet)
When first he came and took his rightful prize,
He had to find me first and pin me down,
Yet somehow I just froze and closed my eyes.
Despite the pain, I lay without a sound.
I think I tried to hide a time or two;
Deterring him just never seemed to work.
No matter what I did or didn't do,
The time would come, and he'd just go berserk.
I don't know when or why I chose defeat,
For years it seemed the only thing to do.
I'd wave a flag of white and just retreat.
"God help me," I would pray; it's all I knew.
How many times did he take all of me,
Til I was not a woman, just a ghost,
Believing 'twas my lot to simply be
A piece of meat? I think that hurt the most.
Consid'ring how he left my soul for dead,
Keep asking what I should have done instead.
He had to find me first and pin me down,
Yet somehow I just froze and closed my eyes.
Despite the pain, I lay without a sound.
I think I tried to hide a time or two;
Deterring him just never seemed to work.
No matter what I did or didn't do,
The time would come, and he'd just go berserk.
I don't know when or why I chose defeat,
For years it seemed the only thing to do.
I'd wave a flag of white and just retreat.
"God help me," I would pray; it's all I knew.
How many times did he take all of me,
Til I was not a woman, just a ghost,
Believing 'twas my lot to simply be
A piece of meat? I think that hurt the most.
Consid'ring how he left my soul for dead,
Keep asking what I should have done instead.
Friday, February 26, 2010
I Can't Go There Again (sonnet)
I'm fighting it, but don't know if I can
Resist the urge to wallow in the worst
Of who and what I think and feel I am.
I know, deep down, that healing's what I need,
But, oh my God, I can't go there again.
The thought of it just makes me want to bleed;
I haven't felt this bad since way back when.
I never want to feel out of control
The way I did when I first started on
This journey to the center of my soul.
What if I get there just to find I'm gone?
I almost wish I really were insane.
I'd rather that than face this wretched pain.
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Artwork used by permission of the talented artist
April Mansilla. View and purchase her artwork HERE
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