Inside Out (poem)

My shirt is inside out.
And so is my brain.
I don't even care.
I can't escape the memories.
I can't escape the pain.
I feel like I'm not even there.

I want to cut.
I want to burn.
I want to teach you,

I want to reach you,
But I don't know if you can learn,

Or if you would understand -

Would you even hold my hand

While I crawl through this?

All the degrees in the world
Can't prepare you for this shit.
Unimaginable horror,
And that's just the start of it.

So write your precious notes about
All the progress I have made.
All the bullshit you have fed me.
All the psychobabble games you've played.

You can't make me be unraped.
You can't make me forget.
You can't untorture me.
You can't erase the regret.
You can't give me back
The babies that died.
You can't give me back
The years I lost,
Or heal this ache inside.

What do you know of pain?
Have you prayed for it to end?
Have you laid in a pool
Of your own clotting blood
And wished for just one friend?

Have you been locked inside a world
That had no clear way out?
Have you held a screaming child
And wished you could shout to the world:

"This is wrong!"

How can I explain
The depth of this pain?
There is only one way I know,
Only one way to show ....
And I promised myself 

I wouldn't go there anymore .....

So I do what I can.

I write and I sing. I try EVERYTHING.

Music I remember.
Hymns I sang as a child.
I try to hold onto faith
And keep my mind from running wild.

But there aren't any songs
About getting torn apart.
And there aren't any hymns
About aching, broken hearts.

Lord, save me from myself.
I have you, and no one else.
The pain reminds me
That this is not my home.
There is a better place
That I will see someday....
But not today,
For I have children yet to raise,
And bills to pay.

So I must go on,
Despite the pain,
Despite the fear.
I must believe in something more
That I cannot see is here.
I must hold on,
Even if I don't know what it's about.
I must somehow keep going,
Even if I'm inside out.

In the Bottom of a Hole (poem)

Trying to block out the piercing screams of yesterday
Some days it seems like an eternity away
Other days,
I'm in a haze,
And it feels close
Like the nose
On my face.
Reaching for a sense of who I am,
Of who I was before . . .
Was I somebody back then,
Or have I always been this empty shell?
I have no way of knowing,
There's no easy way to tell.
I think I remember a little girl
That used to be me.
That used to believe in goodness.
In beauty.
In truth.
But that was long ago.
Where did she go?
Did I bury her with the babies I lost?
Was that part of the cost - -
Losing my soul in the midst of the storm?
I wish I could cry.  I wish I knew why.
I wish I could understand the reasons
For year after year of those seasons
Of waking nightmares in a living hell.
I wish I didn't remember it so well.
I wish I knew how to navigate this road,
How to straddle the potholes that emerge
Without falling back into some bottomless pit
That has no end to it.
I wish to hell that none of it was real,
That I could stuff the agony I feel,
That I could make some sense of it all.
But I can't.
It's just more and more and more of the same.
More leg-spreading, gut-wrenching, mind-blowing pain.
More heart-breaking, soul-bending, self-splitting shame.
And to think that to him it was only a game!
So here I sit, not knowing what to do.
I don't know when all this "feeling" will be through.
Do I hide? Do I fight it?
Is there any way to right it?
Will my mind forever be a shattered mess?
Is there any way to navigate this?
How do I let it go?
How can I just say it happened. It sucked.
And then walk away.
As though it didn't matter.
As though it didn't shatter
Every part of my soul.
I'm really struggling to see
What the point's supposed to be.
I don't want to be a victim.
I don't want to let that dick win.
But I feel so stuck here . . .
Like I'm in the bottom of a hole
That I'll never crawl out of.

Flickering Faith (sonnet)

Every day feels like a million long years,
And sleep runs away from me in the night.
I wish I could cry, but can't find the tears.
I'm weary from war and fresh out of fight.
My bones throb, my heart aches, and my soul groans.
I'm sick and tired of being such a blob.
Maybe he was right -- when we were alone
He said I'd always be a lazy slob.
My will power is all but depleted,
My faith flickers like an old candle lamp.
Don't want to admit that I'm defeated,
But I can't rally the soldiers from camp.
The gen'ral doesn't seem to have a plan,
And it seems all the troops turned tail and ran.

Was This the Only Way? (sonnet)

Gut wrenching sobs from the pit of my soul,
I try to stop, but the tears still flow on.
Feels like I'm broken in two, never whole,
All the days since my children have been gone.
I pray, but my prayers bounce right off the wall.
I beg and I plead for God to hear me.
I wish I could protect them from this all,
What I wouldn't give to have them near me.
But God is asleep, or maybe He's deaf,
Or maybe He just simply doesn't care.
I've cried til I haven't any tears left,
But it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
What is it that You're trying to teach me?
Was this the only way You could reach me?

I Do Not Have the Answers (sonnet)

I do not have the answers for all this,
So many questions left for me to face.
I will not ever get back what I've missed,
I don't know how I'll make it through this place.
Sometimes it feels my prayers bounce off the wall,
I wonder if God even hears me cry.
I sometimes question if He's there at all,
When I can't seem to find a reason why
The things I love the most have been taken.
The darkest night seems even darker still.
My faith has oh so soundly been shaken,
But continue to trust in Him, I will.
I cannot see beyond this awful pain,
But I will praise you, Lord, despite the rain.

Two Whole Hours (sonnet)

For two whole hours, I felt alive again,
Just to see my children smile, laugh and play.
I hadn't laughed like that since who knows when,
But now the melancholy's here to stay.
God, help me, I can't hold on much longer,
Each time I say goodbye, my heart breaks more.
I swear, I don't need to be much stronger,
Are you even watching or keeping score?
I'm trying to hold onto the joy, but
It slips from my hands each time they must go.   
And I'm left wondering exactly what
I will do as the days crawl by so slow.  
God, why can't anybody seem to see
That being without them is killing me?

Maybe Tomorrow

My strength's a memory; I have no more.
My will to fight is gone, I feel so small.
Belief that right prevails walked out the door,
I have no more to give - I gave my all.
The things I once believed that I could do,
I gave them up, my dreams have all but died.
My days of being super mom are through.
No comfort comes from knowing that I tried.
There simply aren't the hours within a day
To do it all, to be it all, to find
The answers to the questions, so I say
Good-bye to hope, to faith, and peace of mind.
Maybe tomorrow I will try again ...
If I don't lose my marbles before then.

It Never Happened

"It never happened." Words that are so strong;
An echo from the past I left behind,
A challenge of what I'd lived all along,
A seed of doubt was planted in my mind.
"If you say this, then no one will believe
A single thing you say; it's all a lie."
I'm empty now, there's nothing to achieve,
No point in even bothering to try.
I sigh and nod, I back away, and then
Give in and say the words I hate to say.
I'm back to just a puppet once again;
The melancholy robot saves the day.
"It never happened." (So glad we agree.)
Guess I was wrong. Good-bye reality.

The Nothingness Surrounds Me Like a Cloud (sonnet)

The nothingness surrounds me like a cloud
Until my barren soul just falls apart.
The fragments seen that I can't voice out loud,
Betrayed by garish dreams and taboo art.
Is there an evil force I cannot see,
Somehow at work within these shadowed halls?
Am I the one who's cursed myself to be
Forever locked behind these sacred walls?
Each time I think I know just what to feel,
I cannot find the words, I cannot cry,
Life kicks me in the ass with pain so real,
I cannot find an answer for the "why."
No matter where I go or what I do
It seems I struggle just to make it through.