Ready or Not (poem)

I saw him and he saw me,
But still we looked on silently
Til I got the nerve to give him my number
And he had the nerve to text. 

We went to the movies,
We went out for coffee,
And it's surprising
What happened next. 

I found myself falling
In "like" on the spot,
And then love came,
Ready or not.

Intimacy After an Abusive Relationship

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be physically intimate with another man after my abusive relationship.  I was just sure that if my new boyfriend even TOUCHED me that I'd be triggered and have a panic attack.  But he's been very patient, gentle, and respectful, and things are going great.

I think the key to successful physical intimacy after an abusive relationship is openness, honestly, and respect.  If you inform your partner about your potential triggers and explain to them how these types of things make you feel, then he or she can be careful to avoid those types of activities. 

I'm thankful that my new boyfriend has been patient with me and has allowed me to control the level of physical intimacy.  I highly suggest that anyone who's starting a new relationship with someone after a previously abusive relationship make it a high priority to seek out someone who has a great deal of patience and respect.  Those two things are key. 

Red flags that a new partner may exhibit that would warn you to get out of the relationship:

• Wanting to be with you constantly and not allowing you to have any "alone" time.
• Wanting to know where you are and what you are doing at all times (i.e. texting and calling you constantly to check up on you). 
• Having strange fetishes or odd sexual demands (i.e. wanting a threesome or insisting that you role play in a way that makes you uncomfortable)
• Constantly comparing you to prior partners and/or constantly talking about prior relationships.
• Pressuring you to become more intimate than you want to be, sooner than you want to, or more often than you want to
• Moving the relationship along too quickly (i.e. seriously discussing marriage too soon, etc)
• Being jealous of other friends that you may have
• Asking you lots of questions about your past but not being willing to talk about his/her past
• Being obsessed with his/her appearance and/or your appearance

There are others, of course, but those are a few warning signs to look for.  Luckily, so far, my new boyfriend has been very respectful of the boundaries I've set up and hasn't pressured me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with.  Am I in love?  It's too early to tell, but I'm definitely leaning in that direction!

I Love You as a Fire (sonnet)

I love you as a fire that burns so deep,
It cannot be put out by storm or sea.
A love so strong, it calls me in my sleep
And beckons me to dream of you with me.
I love you, though I don't know why I do,
Or why I feel the things you make me feel.
I find myself daydreaming about you
And praying that this love we share is real.
I love you, though I don't know for how long
I'll get to hold you in these arms of mine.
Your love is like a gentle, soothing song
That sings within my soul most of the time.
Your eyes, your smile, your touch, your hair, your smell;
Which of these things are best, I cannot tell.

Note: Yes, I did write this one.  I had to give it a try!

Love Sonnet by Pablo Neruda

(Translated from Spanish By Mark Eisner)

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as one loves certain obscure things,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose

from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

Note: I wanted to write a love sonnet, but none that I could write would come close to this.  And it describes how I feel to a 't.'

Great Spirit in the Sky (sonnet and song)

The Great Spirit in the sky watches me.
His eagle flies o'er me with its strong wings.
I see His Spirit in ev'ry tall tree.
I hear His voice in every bird that sings.
I feel His breath as the wind rushes by.
I see His face painted on each flower.
I see His tears fall as rain from the sky.
I sense His presence ev'ry single hour.
He guards each step I take with His strong hand.
He sends me dreams at night to guide my way.
He tells me things I will not understand
Until my soul crosses over someday.
I'm kept by the Great Spirit in the sky.
I am watched over by His loving eye.

Illumination - thought & music video

Sometimes you just need to take a few moments to reflect on the day . . . the good, the bad, the unexpected joys. Life is too short to waste regretting yesterday or worrying about tomorrow.

Thank You (sonnet and song)

I don't hate you for all the things you've done.
I'm not bitter over words you have said.
You taught me when to stay and when to run,
You taught me how to always look ahead.
Your unpredictability was cruel,
But still there was a purpose in that too.
I learned to recognize a lying fool,
I learned to hear your words and see right through.
I'll never understand how you can lie
And somehow think that nobody will know,
I still don't know why you bother to try,
When it's so clear you're putting on a show.
Thanks for teaching me to keep on trying,
Despite all your irrational lying.

Remembering (freewrite)

I was having trouble sleeping tonight because I was going back and listening to audio recordings of 3 years ago just before we left my abusive ex-husband.  What WAS I thinking? Talk about a recipe for insomnia . . .

I guess I was doubting myself, yet again ... asking myself "was it really that bad?" ...

God, I wish life made sense ... ever ... and I wish it didn't have to still hurt so much.

I need to cry, but I can't. The tears are right at the edge of my eyes. I can feel them there, searing, stinging, burning, begging to be allowed to fall. But they can't. They won't. Yet.

So many people around the world have suffered and ARE STILL suffering much more than I have/am. What right do I have to complain? None.

It's not even so much the guilt of how I know others have and are suffering worse, it's that I keep questioning why any of this has happened. I suppose I sort of know the answer to that -- my own poor choices when I was young and stupid led to this. So, in a sense, I have no one but myself to blame. I chose to date him.  I chose to sleep with him.  I chose to bear his child.  I chose to marry him.  I chose to stay with him.

But then sometimes I look at my children, and I see them suffering once in awhile, struggling to figure out the difference between "good daddy" and "bad daddy." I see them struggling with questions they can't answer ... and I don't have the answers either. And then I think, "Lord, it isn't fair. They have done nothing to deserve this. They didn't ask to be born into this nightmare. They are innocent. Punish me, if you must, but they've been through enough already."

The tears begin to silently overflow. I can envision him over me, pinning me down, sneering at me, saying: "Quit your crying. What do you have to cry about? Oh, that's right. You're a horrible worthless mother. Piece of shit -- MY piece of shit."

And I tried so hard not to cry. I really tried. Most times I didn't cry. The physical pain I could deal with. But his words cut so deep, and those words I couldn't escape. I FELT like a worthless mother. After all, what kind of a mother cowers in fear and can't keep the house tidy and running smoothly? What kind of a mother gets so distracted that she can't keep track of simple things like which days which kids have gym class and need to pack shorts? What kind of a mother can't potty train her children? What kind of mother can't keep up with the laundry and dishes? A horrible, worthless mother.

But I love my children & they always knew that. And everything I did, I did for them. And when I cried, it wasn't for me, it was for THEM ... For the mother they should have had, for the home they should have had, For the LIFE they should have had...

But I was too weak. And I was too scared. So I just rolled over and took it, because it's the only thing I knew to do. And when I cried, I heard:

"Enough with the crying. You're always so dramatic. How am I supposed to enjoy myself with you crying like that? Roll over so at least I don't have to look at your ugly fucking face. And if you gotta cry, for crissakes keep it to yourself. Shut the fuck up, I'm almost done and then you can have your fucking pity party."

What is WRONG with me? Why would I have thought so little of myself as a human being that I would have given him the keys to my soul just because he said I was smart and beautiful? Did I really need to hear that so much that I was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING to be with him? And how could I have let myself get so beaten down emotionally & spiritually that I let it continue for so many years & simply accepted it as "God's will?"

I told myself if only I was a better wife, if only I was a better mother, things would be different. I've read back through my prayer journals, and over the years the same phrases are repeated again and again:

-Lord, help me be a better wife.
-Lord, help me be a better housekeeper.
-Lord, help me be a better mother.

Did I honestly think that if I magically became the perfect woman, that everything would be okay? How could I have let him brainwash me like that? How could I have absorbed HIS reality and made it my own ... to the point where he didn't have to put me down because I put myself down?
 
I know I have worth because I am a child of God. But right about now, I don't feel very worthy of anything. I can look back & see how far the Lord has brought us over the last 3 years, and I thank Him & praise Him for that, but I can't even accept compliments or simple words of encouragement without awkwardly minimizing them or explaining them away ...

I'm so exhausted and longing for rest. And I "hear" my Savior say, "cast your burdens on me."
So for tonight, I'll try to do that ... Thank you, Jesus!

What an "x" is good for (sonnet)

To him it's still a game of cat and mouse,
He wonders what will work to bait the hook.
Well I won't let him back into my house,
Not even for one tiny, little look.
My days of feeling hurt are so long gone,
The childish things he says don't bother me.
There're actually some mem'ries that are fond,
I don't hate him; just wish he'd leave me be.
I have another man who treats me right,
Respects me for the woman that I am,
Who doesn't live to name call, scream, or fight,
Knows how to be a perfect gentleman.
There's only one thing an "x" is good for --
Spelling the word that helps you find the door.

Song Dedications

These songs go out to a certain "special" someone who left some very nasty comments on my posts. Enjoy the music!

What is this kind of "love" (sonnet)

The third week in a row, he cancels out
On visiting the kids he claims he loves.
What is this kind of "love" he speaks about?
It surely doesn't show in what he does.
He doesn't call them on the telephone.
He calls their mother names and epithets.
He leaves them wondering what they've done wrong,
Wonders why cold shoulders are all he gets.
He leaves them drunken messages to hear,
Assuming they'll know he was "just kidding."
Which does he love more, his kids or his beer?
It's hard to tell by the way he's living.
Why can't he just step on up to the plate
Before they're grown and it is far too late.  

Past Due (Collage)