Whatever It Takes (freewrite)

Today I've been thinking of some of my all-time favorite Bible passages:

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.' "
Matthew 11:28-30 (New Living Translation)

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior ... You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch you out of my hand."
Isaiah 43: 1-5, 13 (New Living Translation)

 I'm beginning to be convinced that God allows difficult or traumatic circumstances in our lives to draw us close to Him and KEEP us there.

You see, I am and have always been, a VERY stubborn, independent person. My pride and desire to be self-sufficient have gotten me into trouble more times than I like to admit.

In my late teens, rather than ask for help when I didn't have money for rent and car insurance, I compromised my moral standards and betrayed the very essence of who I was simply to 'pay the bills.' Why? I was too proud to admit that I couldn't do it myself.  I'm sure my parents would have gladly helped me out (had I let them know that I was struggling financially), but I didn't even give them that opportunity. 

Later, when I found myself in a difficult relationship, I ignored the warnings of those whose wisdom I SHOULD HAVE trusted, and got married anyway. I don't know what I was trying to prove, but I certainly wasn't about to admit that I'd made a mistake in entering into the relationship in the first place. After all, I thought I was a grown woman, and I simply would not tolerate anyone telling ME how to live my life. That included God (at that particular time in my life, at least).

If things had been more of a "bed of roses" from that point on, I might have simply continued to manage everything on my own -- completely unwilling to surrender to the sovereignty of God. After all, what would I have needed Him for?  It was only when life knocked me flat on my face that I was forced to look up and rekindle a faith that had grown cold.

If I had never had to scrimp and save, never wondered how the bills would get paid, and never had to do without or make sacrifices, I might never have learned to trust Him as Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.

If I had never been shamed, brutalized, and wounded inside & out, I might never have learned to rely on Him as Jehovah-Rapha, my Healer.

If I had never wandered through a maze of confusion and manipulation, I might never have learned to count on my Shepherd, Jehovah-Ra-Ah, for guidance and direction.

If I had never been paralyzed by terror, tormented by guilt, consumed by worry, or frustrated by injustice, I might never have learned to rest in the peace that Jehovah-Shalom alone can provide.

If I had never suffered agonizing loss after agonizing loss, I might never have learned to lean on Him as the divine Comforter.

If I had never felt trapped and alone in the depths of darkness, I might never have searched for the divine illumination that only the Light of the World can give.

If I had never been completely exhausted and utterly spent -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I might never have experienced the incredible rejuvenation found only in El Shaddai (Almighty God, the Strength Giver).

Maybe the Lord knew that the only way to keep me

close to Him was to strip me of everything else.

Perhaps He knew that if my life were too 'easy,' I would rely on myself instead of trusting in Him. It's quite possible that God either directly sent me problems or allowed certain difficulties in my life for the specific purpose of bringing me to my knees at the foot of the Cross ..... And KEEPING ME THERE.

And you know what? MOST of the time, I'm quite okay with that (I do have my moments of questioning and doubting like everyone else does). I'd rather go through hell on earth with Jesus by my side than live a life of ease without Him.

Which reminds me of the words to a great 'old' gospel song (youtube video is below the lyrics):

Whatever It Takes
There's a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And He whispers, 'Draw closer to Me;
Leave this world far behind,
There are new heights to climb,
And a new place in Me you will find.'

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take the dearest things to me,
If that's how it must be,
To draw me closer to Thee;
Let the disappointments come,
Lonely days without the sun,
If through sorrow more like You I'll become.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Take my houses, my lands,
Change my dreams, change my plans
For I'm placing my whole life in Your hands;
And if You call me today to a place far away
Lord, I'll go, and Your will I'll obey.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
I'll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain --
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes for my will to break,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Words and Music by Lanny Wolfe

Is Abuse God's Way of Punishing Someone?

Okay, so I know this maybe sounds like an odd topic for a blog post, but I must admit that I seriously thought for years that my ex-husband's abuse was God's way of punishing me for past sins.  After 3 or 4 years of abuse, though, I began to wonder, "haven't I suffered enough already?  At what point have I sufficiently "paid the price" for my sins?"  It's not that I didn't believe in Jesus and his saving atonement on the cross.  I did.  I truly believed that I had been forgiven for my sins.  However, I had been raised to believe that there are natural consequences for all of one's choices -- i.e. "you reap what you sow." 

Let's go back a few years.  You see, in my late teenage years, I wasn't exactly walking with the Lord as I should have been.  I was "sowing my wild oats," so to speak.  I wasn't doing drugs or anything like that, but pretty much anything else that you can think of . . . drinking, smoking, sex, etc.  You might say I was a "bad girl."  So when I first met my ex-husband, he and I were a perfect match (of sorts).  He was a party animal and I liked to party.

Fast forward 3-4 years.  At this point, the abuse in my marriage had already gotten fairly severe and frequent.  I remember thinking to myself, "what have I done to deserve this?"  And then my conscience would kick in and say, "you're just reaping what you've sown."

I remember praying and sobbing before the Lord, begging for Him to release me from what I felt was the "curse" of my sin.  I spent hours reading the scriptures, desperately seeking an answer to the question of why I was still suffering as I was.  The only conclusion that I could come to at that time was that either:
a) God didn't exist,
b) God didn't care, or
c) God wasn't powerful enough to do anything about it.

I did eventually come to some sort of an "understanding" with God.  I wouldn't question why He was allowing the suffering and He would keep me from losing my marbles.  Over the years, Jesus grew to be a very close friend (often my only friend) and I depended on Him for my very survival.

Now fast forward even farther to today.  Our pastor has been preaching a series of sermons on God's will.  Specifically, the topic this morning was a continuation of last week's sermon about how God allows suffering and even PUNISHES His children to keep them in line.  There were the necessary scriptures read to support this.  The topic piqued my interest, so I spent the better part of the afternoon searching through an online concordance reading everything I could in the Bible about suffering and punishment.  I had some questions, such as:

Does God "punish" sinners and 'saints' alike?  Does God punish anyone and everyone?  Is suffering a result of sin?  Is suffering something we should be thankful for (because it causes us to "lean on God" more & brings us closer to him)? and several others.  The first few verses that I considered were:

Hebrews 12:5-11 New Life Version (NLV)"Do you remember what God said to you when He called you His sons? “My son, listen when the Lord punishes you. Do not give up when He tells you what you must do. The Lord punishes everyone He loves. He whips every son He receives.” Do not give up when you are punished by God. Be willing to take it, knowing that God is teaching you as a son. Is there a father who does not punish his son sometimes? If you are not punished as all sons are, it means that you are not a true son of God. You are not a part of His family and He is not your Father. Remember that our fathers on earth punished us. We had respect for them. How much more should we obey our Father in heaven and live? For a little while our fathers on earth punished us when they thought they should. But God punishes us for our good so we will be holy as He is holy. There is no joy while we are being punished. It is hard to take, but later we can see that good came from it. And it gives us the peace of being right with God." (so does this mean God was using the abuse to teach me something?  Was I THAT slow of a learner that it took 15 years for me to "get it" or what?)

and Revelation 3:19New L ife Version (NLV)
"I speak strong words to those I love and I punish them." (So God DOES punish those He loves.)

and Hebrews 12:25 New Life Version (NLV)
"Be sure you listen to the One Who is speaking to you. The Jews did not obey when God’s Law was given to them on earth. They did not go free. They were punished. We will be punished more if we do not listen to God as He speaks from heaven."

The more I thought about it, I'm wasn't so sure I even wanted to know a God like that.  Those verses made it sound like God is just waiting for us to mess up so He can pummel us. 

Then in John 10:28 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I give them life that lasts forever. They will never be punished. No one is able to take them out of My hand."

and in Romans 1:16 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I am not ashamed of the Good News. It is the power of God. It is the way He saves men from the punishment of their sins if they put their trust in Him."

So how is it that God can both punish us and save us from punishment? 

The Old Testament wasn't too helpful:

Naomi proclaimed in Ruth 1:21 - “The All-powerful has allowed me to suffer.”  Job complained in
Job 7:3 - “I am given months of pain and nights of suffering for no reason.”

And no less than a dozen times in Leviticus and Numbers does it say that one will "suffer for their own sins."

So does that mean that suffering indicates sin in one's life?  But how can that be?  Job, according to the Bible, was a righteous man. 

The Psalms were a mixed bag:

Psalm 1:5 “So the sinful will not stand. They will be told they are guilty and have to suffer for it. Sinners will not stand with those who are right with God.”  (sounds like it's only the "sinners" that suffer)

Psalm 9:9 “The Lord also keeps safe those who suffer. He is a safe place in times of trouble.” (so if only the sinners suffer, why would God keep them safe?  Apparently, the righteous suffer as well.  Either way, where was God when I was suffering?  He certainly wasn't keeping me safe.)

Psalm 9:12 “For He Who punishes for the blood of another remembers them. He does not forget the cry of those who suffer.”  (I don't recall him punishing my ex for what he did.  And he certainly didn't listen to my cries -- at least not right away.)

Psalm 12:5 “Because of the suffering of the weak, and because of the cries of the poor, I will now rise up,” says the Lord. “I will keep him safe as he has wanted to be.”  (Yeah, again, I don't recall God keeping me safe.)

Psalm 22:24 “For He has not turned away from the suffering of the one in pain or trouble. He has not hidden His face from him. But He has heard his cry for help.”  (Sure.  Like I buy that one.  Many years I prayed and cried for help, and God never did a doggone thing to help me.)

Psalm 73: 13-14: "For no good reason I have kept my heart pure and have not sinned. For I have suffered all day long. I have been punished every morning." (That's how I felt.  That I had returned to the Lord, changed my ways, repented of my sins, and STILL I was being "punished" by my Ex's abuse day after day.)

Psalm 88:15 “I have been troubled and near death since I was young. I have suffered Your punishment. And I cannot win.”  (What a GEM of a verse.  Here is David, of whom God said "He's a man after my own heart" admitting that God has punished him and essentially saying that he "gives up.")

Psalm 90:15 “Make us glad for as many days as You have made us suffer, and for the years we have seen trouble.”  (another winner from David -- so we're supposed to rejoice in the fact that God makes us suffer and causes us years of trouble?)

Psalm 107:6
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He took them out of their suffering.

Psalm 107:13
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.
Psalm 107:19
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.

(Those 3 are virtually identical.  God saves us from our suffering?  Maybe so, but apparently, God's "rescue" is on His timing and not ours.  And in some cases, I guess His "rescue" may not ever come in this lifetime.  Some seemingly innocent and good and even Godly people live their whole lives with physical illness and trials and the only escape they get is when they die.)


Psalm 119:66-67 - "Teach me what I should know to be right and fair for I believe in Your Law. Before I suffered I went the wrong way, but now I obey Your Word."   (That sounds like me when I first began to realize that maybe the abuse was a result of my earlier sins, so I changed my ways and began "obeying the word."   It didn't matter one bit.  The terror went on as usual.)

Psalm 119:153 "Look upon my suffering and take me from it. For I do not forget Your Law."  (That sounds like some of the bargaining that I did with God along the way.  "Why, Lord, why?  I'm following You word, I'm doing what's right now.  Why is my suffering still continuing?")

I won't bother listing the rest of the verses that say pretty much the same thing.  I used to read them over and over again, desperately wanting to believe that this GREAT GOD I served was going to come and rescue me.

Well, He did, but ironically in the form of a Jewish agency.   And it only took Him 14-15 years to get around to doing it.  But I did learn some lessons along the way.  Lessons that I probably wouldn't have learned any other way.  And now I can relate to others who have suffered under similar circumstances that I never could have empathized with before. 

I suppose it sounds like I've completely given up on my faith.  That's not true.  I do have a solid faith in an Almighty God.  I just don't always understand His ways or His timing.  And I may not ever understand what He's up to until I get to Heaven.  If there is a Heaven (I'm only kidding).  One thing I'm sure of . . . there is a Hell . . . and I've lived in it . . .

Was This the Only Way? (sonnet)

Gut wrenching sobs from the pit of my soul,
I try to stop, but the tears still flow on.
Feels like I'm broken in two, never whole,
All the days since my children have been gone.
I pray, but my prayers bounce right off the wall.
I beg and I plead for God to hear me.
I wish I could protect them from this all,
What I wouldn't give to have them near me.
But God is asleep, or maybe He's deaf,
Or maybe He just simply doesn't care.
I've cried til I haven't any tears left,
But it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
What is it that You're trying to teach me?
Was this the only way You could reach me?