Flickering Faith (sonnet)

Every day feels like a million long years,
And sleep runs away from me in the night.
I wish I could cry, but can't find the tears.
I'm weary from war and fresh out of fight.
My bones throb, my heart aches, and my soul groans.
I'm sick and tired of being such a blob.
Maybe he was right -- when we were alone
He said I'd always be a lazy slob.
My will power is all but depleted,
My faith flickers like an old candle lamp.
Don't want to admit that I'm defeated,
But I can't rally the soldiers from camp.
The gen'ral doesn't seem to have a plan,
And it seems all the troops turned tail and ran.

This Bitter Cup (sonnet)

You're all I've got in this crazy old world,
The only one who listens day and night.
But are You there? Are my prayers even heard?
Can I still trust that You will do what is right?
The way is dark, the night, oh so long,
And no one walks beside me through the fire.
I try to trust that You can right what's wrong,
But all my strength is gone; my children tire.
I've heard someone proclaim: "God's safe to trust.
Life's hard, but God is good - His word is true."
I cannot carry on, but know I must
Keep trying, though I don't know what to do.
Please help me, Lord, I feel like giving up.
Give me the strength to drink this bitter cup.

Is Abuse God's Way of Punishing Someone?

Okay, so I know this maybe sounds like an odd topic for a blog post, but I must admit that I seriously thought for years that my ex-husband's abuse was God's way of punishing me for past sins.  After 3 or 4 years of abuse, though, I began to wonder, "haven't I suffered enough already?  At what point have I sufficiently "paid the price" for my sins?"  It's not that I didn't believe in Jesus and his saving atonement on the cross.  I did.  I truly believed that I had been forgiven for my sins.  However, I had been raised to believe that there are natural consequences for all of one's choices -- i.e. "you reap what you sow." 

Let's go back a few years.  You see, in my late teenage years, I wasn't exactly walking with the Lord as I should have been.  I was "sowing my wild oats," so to speak.  I wasn't doing drugs or anything like that, but pretty much anything else that you can think of . . . drinking, smoking, sex, etc.  You might say I was a "bad girl."  So when I first met my ex-husband, he and I were a perfect match (of sorts).  He was a party animal and I liked to party.

Fast forward 3-4 years.  At this point, the abuse in my marriage had already gotten fairly severe and frequent.  I remember thinking to myself, "what have I done to deserve this?"  And then my conscience would kick in and say, "you're just reaping what you've sown."

I remember praying and sobbing before the Lord, begging for Him to release me from what I felt was the "curse" of my sin.  I spent hours reading the scriptures, desperately seeking an answer to the question of why I was still suffering as I was.  The only conclusion that I could come to at that time was that either:
a) God didn't exist,
b) God didn't care, or
c) God wasn't powerful enough to do anything about it.

I did eventually come to some sort of an "understanding" with God.  I wouldn't question why He was allowing the suffering and He would keep me from losing my marbles.  Over the years, Jesus grew to be a very close friend (often my only friend) and I depended on Him for my very survival.

Now fast forward even farther to today.  Our pastor has been preaching a series of sermons on God's will.  Specifically, the topic this morning was a continuation of last week's sermon about how God allows suffering and even PUNISHES His children to keep them in line.  There were the necessary scriptures read to support this.  The topic piqued my interest, so I spent the better part of the afternoon searching through an online concordance reading everything I could in the Bible about suffering and punishment.  I had some questions, such as:

Does God "punish" sinners and 'saints' alike?  Does God punish anyone and everyone?  Is suffering a result of sin?  Is suffering something we should be thankful for (because it causes us to "lean on God" more & brings us closer to him)? and several others.  The first few verses that I considered were:

Hebrews 12:5-11 New Life Version (NLV)"Do you remember what God said to you when He called you His sons? “My son, listen when the Lord punishes you. Do not give up when He tells you what you must do. The Lord punishes everyone He loves. He whips every son He receives.” Do not give up when you are punished by God. Be willing to take it, knowing that God is teaching you as a son. Is there a father who does not punish his son sometimes? If you are not punished as all sons are, it means that you are not a true son of God. You are not a part of His family and He is not your Father. Remember that our fathers on earth punished us. We had respect for them. How much more should we obey our Father in heaven and live? For a little while our fathers on earth punished us when they thought they should. But God punishes us for our good so we will be holy as He is holy. There is no joy while we are being punished. It is hard to take, but later we can see that good came from it. And it gives us the peace of being right with God." (so does this mean God was using the abuse to teach me something?  Was I THAT slow of a learner that it took 15 years for me to "get it" or what?)

and Revelation 3:19New L ife Version (NLV)
"I speak strong words to those I love and I punish them." (So God DOES punish those He loves.)

and Hebrews 12:25 New Life Version (NLV)
"Be sure you listen to the One Who is speaking to you. The Jews did not obey when God’s Law was given to them on earth. They did not go free. They were punished. We will be punished more if we do not listen to God as He speaks from heaven."

The more I thought about it, I'm wasn't so sure I even wanted to know a God like that.  Those verses made it sound like God is just waiting for us to mess up so He can pummel us. 

Then in John 10:28 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I give them life that lasts forever. They will never be punished. No one is able to take them out of My hand."

and in Romans 1:16 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I am not ashamed of the Good News. It is the power of God. It is the way He saves men from the punishment of their sins if they put their trust in Him."

So how is it that God can both punish us and save us from punishment? 

The Old Testament wasn't too helpful:

Naomi proclaimed in Ruth 1:21 - “The All-powerful has allowed me to suffer.”  Job complained in
Job 7:3 - “I am given months of pain and nights of suffering for no reason.”

And no less than a dozen times in Leviticus and Numbers does it say that one will "suffer for their own sins."

So does that mean that suffering indicates sin in one's life?  But how can that be?  Job, according to the Bible, was a righteous man. 

The Psalms were a mixed bag:

Psalm 1:5 “So the sinful will not stand. They will be told they are guilty and have to suffer for it. Sinners will not stand with those who are right with God.”  (sounds like it's only the "sinners" that suffer)

Psalm 9:9 “The Lord also keeps safe those who suffer. He is a safe place in times of trouble.” (so if only the sinners suffer, why would God keep them safe?  Apparently, the righteous suffer as well.  Either way, where was God when I was suffering?  He certainly wasn't keeping me safe.)

Psalm 9:12 “For He Who punishes for the blood of another remembers them. He does not forget the cry of those who suffer.”  (I don't recall him punishing my ex for what he did.  And he certainly didn't listen to my cries -- at least not right away.)

Psalm 12:5 “Because of the suffering of the weak, and because of the cries of the poor, I will now rise up,” says the Lord. “I will keep him safe as he has wanted to be.”  (Yeah, again, I don't recall God keeping me safe.)

Psalm 22:24 “For He has not turned away from the suffering of the one in pain or trouble. He has not hidden His face from him. But He has heard his cry for help.”  (Sure.  Like I buy that one.  Many years I prayed and cried for help, and God never did a doggone thing to help me.)

Psalm 73: 13-14: "For no good reason I have kept my heart pure and have not sinned. For I have suffered all day long. I have been punished every morning." (That's how I felt.  That I had returned to the Lord, changed my ways, repented of my sins, and STILL I was being "punished" by my Ex's abuse day after day.)

Psalm 88:15 “I have been troubled and near death since I was young. I have suffered Your punishment. And I cannot win.”  (What a GEM of a verse.  Here is David, of whom God said "He's a man after my own heart" admitting that God has punished him and essentially saying that he "gives up.")

Psalm 90:15 “Make us glad for as many days as You have made us suffer, and for the years we have seen trouble.”  (another winner from David -- so we're supposed to rejoice in the fact that God makes us suffer and causes us years of trouble?)

Psalm 107:6
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He took them out of their suffering.

Psalm 107:13
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.
Psalm 107:19
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.

(Those 3 are virtually identical.  God saves us from our suffering?  Maybe so, but apparently, God's "rescue" is on His timing and not ours.  And in some cases, I guess His "rescue" may not ever come in this lifetime.  Some seemingly innocent and good and even Godly people live their whole lives with physical illness and trials and the only escape they get is when they die.)


Psalm 119:66-67 - "Teach me what I should know to be right and fair for I believe in Your Law. Before I suffered I went the wrong way, but now I obey Your Word."   (That sounds like me when I first began to realize that maybe the abuse was a result of my earlier sins, so I changed my ways and began "obeying the word."   It didn't matter one bit.  The terror went on as usual.)

Psalm 119:153 "Look upon my suffering and take me from it. For I do not forget Your Law."  (That sounds like some of the bargaining that I did with God along the way.  "Why, Lord, why?  I'm following You word, I'm doing what's right now.  Why is my suffering still continuing?")

I won't bother listing the rest of the verses that say pretty much the same thing.  I used to read them over and over again, desperately wanting to believe that this GREAT GOD I served was going to come and rescue me.

Well, He did, but ironically in the form of a Jewish agency.   And it only took Him 14-15 years to get around to doing it.  But I did learn some lessons along the way.  Lessons that I probably wouldn't have learned any other way.  And now I can relate to others who have suffered under similar circumstances that I never could have empathized with before. 

I suppose it sounds like I've completely given up on my faith.  That's not true.  I do have a solid faith in an Almighty God.  I just don't always understand His ways or His timing.  And I may not ever understand what He's up to until I get to Heaven.  If there is a Heaven (I'm only kidding).  One thing I'm sure of . . . there is a Hell . . . and I've lived in it . . .

No End in Sight (sonnet)

I don't want to feel this way anymore,
Struggling to make it through every day.
The laundry piles up in mounds on the floor,
And I can't make the dishes go away.
I drag my wooden body, place to place,
Sometimes, I fear, without my mind intact.
Yet always there's a smile upon my face,
They always did say I could really act.
Six o'clock arrives, I'm ready for bed,
But the work isn't done; neither am I.
My blankets cry out to snuggle my head.
I can't wait to sleep so that I can cry.
The days pass by, they never seem to end.
Right now my pillow is my only friend.

What's the Hold Up? (sonnet)

Is it too disturbing, even for you?
Are you afraid of what I have to say?
Are you afraid it's more than you can do?
Are you afraid that you don't know the way?
First you said to wait a little longer.
Then you said we must wait a little more.
All this time the feeling's growing stronger,
The burning urges I cannot ignore.
You said that you could help me sort it out.
You said you had experience with all this.
Well, tell me what the wait is all about?
Is there something important that I missed?
Please tell me that you won't give up on me;
There's no one else to help me through, you see. 

I Traveled Among You (sonnet)

I traveled among you for thirty years --
We shared stories, we shared wine, we shared bread.
You saw my joy and you witnessed my tears.
You knew I had no place to rest my head.
I never had a home to call my own.
My family preferred to think me dead.
Ignored by most, I often felt alone.
You listened, but rarely heard what I said.
At times my mission seemed quite clear to me,
While at others I doubted who I was.
The crowds clamored for miracles to see --
They asked, "How does he do what he does?"
So many blessings for you to receive;
Yet you had to see the scars to believe.

Was This the Only Way? (sonnet)

Gut wrenching sobs from the pit of my soul,
I try to stop, but the tears still flow on.
Feels like I'm broken in two, never whole,
All the days since my children have been gone.
I pray, but my prayers bounce right off the wall.
I beg and I plead for God to hear me.
I wish I could protect them from this all,
What I wouldn't give to have them near me.
But God is asleep, or maybe He's deaf,
Or maybe He just simply doesn't care.
I've cried til I haven't any tears left,
But it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
What is it that You're trying to teach me?
Was this the only way You could reach me?

The Storm's Increased (sonnet)

I saw a lighthouse drawing me to shore,
A beacon of hope lit my shadowed path.
Distraught, I prayed in anguish to the Lord,
"Please let this storm I'm fighting be the last."
The thunder raged about me 'round the clock,
The waves came up and over on the deck.
I felt my ship pulled near the jagged rocks,
Yet still I clung to hope and craned my neck --
Yearning for a glimpse of the distant shore,
Longing to be rescued from all the pain,
Buffeted by gales I couldn't ignore,
Drowning in bucketfulls of pouring rain.
Just when I thought I'd find a resting place,
The storm's increased and trashed my flimsy faith.

I Do Not Have the Answers (sonnet)

I do not have the answers for all this,
So many questions left for me to face.
I will not ever get back what I've missed,
I don't know how I'll make it through this place.
Sometimes it feels my prayers bounce off the wall,
I wonder if God even hears me cry.
I sometimes question if He's there at all,
When I can't seem to find a reason why
The things I love the most have been taken.
The darkest night seems even darker still.
My faith has oh so soundly been shaken,
But continue to trust in Him, I will.
I cannot see beyond this awful pain,
But I will praise you, Lord, despite the rain.

All Sorts of "Friends" (sonnet)

I see only Darkness, as I look on;
A fog of Unknown, Unheard, and Unseen.
Pity's potholes fill the road walked upon,
And Hope gets lost so easily between.
Like a frightened child, I look all around
For someone who's willing to be my guide,
Someone to lift my feet up off the ground,
Someone to walk faithfully by my side.
Injustice waves a hand in the cold air
And volunteers to share my lonely path.
Depression tiptoes in out of nowhere,
And Doubt races to me through the high grass.
I'm not alone, I have all sorts of "friends."
It's this blasted journey that never ends.