Someone commented to me at church the other day -- "You are so strong. I don't know how you do it, day after day, week after week." All I could think to say was, "If it weren't for the Lord carrying me, I don't think I'd make it through."
Sure, maybe I manage to SORT OF hold it together during church -- because I
HAVE TO. If I let my eyes even slightly fill up with tears while I'm playing piano, I can't read the music . . . which HAS happened a few times. But I have to be careful not to let the "floodgates" open or I can't even see my hands or the piano keys. You might see me singing along to hymns in church, a slight smile on my face, and think "Wow, it's amazing how she can trust through all of this and still smile." Believe me, I don't always smile. And I don't always trust. There are a lot of things you don't see and hear . . .
You didn't see me collapse on my knees on the laundry room floor at 1 in the morning, sobbing into a pile of dirty clothes, crying out in desperation -- "
Lord, I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this. Help me, Jesus."
You didn't see me have to pull over and have to use my GPS navigation to tell me how to get home because I was crying so hard I had missed my exit. (Maybe you get lost all the time, but I usually DON'T. I normally pride myself on being "directionally gifted" and able to find my way around even in unfamiliar areas.) I had to sit there for a good 10 minutes and wait for the deluge to pass so that I could even
SEE the little "blip" on my screen that showed my location and where I was supposed to go next. It took 15 minutes before it was safe for me to drive again.
You didn't hear me yelling at God after comforting one of my children after they'd woken up from a nightmare, my eyes filled up with tears as I pounded on my pillow, crying out to somebody . . . .anybody . . . . nobody . . . "
WHY? It's not FAIR! It's not their fault. They didn't do anything wrong. Hurt me all you want, but
don't do this to my kids! I know I've made my share of mistakes in life, Lord, but haven't we suffered enough yet? Please don't punish my children for my stupidity. It's NOT FAIR. It's just not fair!
You say that you're a just God, and that the righteous will never be forsaken. Is
THIS your idea of JUSTICE? Where
ARE you? I can't do this on my own. God, I need you! Show me what you want from me. We can't live like this -- never knowing what's going to happen next. We just can't. How can you let him do this to us,
OVER AND OVER again? Why can't you make it stop? If you're so omnipotent, why can't you just make him go away and leave us alone?"
____________________________________
Yeah, so I'm not always all smiles and praise, trust and thankfulness, faith and forgiveness. I'm thankful that God is so patient with me, even through my doubt, anger, and confusion. I wonder sometimes why He hasn't struck me with lightning for some of the stuff I say when I shake my wee little fist at Him and try to tell Him how to run the world. Instead, it's as though He picks me up, dusts me off, plops me on His lap and says, "
Well, are you just about done pitching your little "fit?" There's a lot of work yet to do, and you're not going to get anything done sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. I understand your frustration. Remember, no matter what you're going through, I've been there. And I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. Nobody ever said life was going to be fair. Don't worry about what "they" will think, say, or do. Just stick close to me, stay in the Word, trust your heart, and do what's best for your kids. Let me worry about "them."
____________________________________
Here's a video on You Tube of a song that was popular when I was a kid (you know, a gazillion years ago, back in the DARK AGES) that has a powerful message. You can't assume that just because a person looks "strong" and as though they have it "together" that they haven't fallen to pieces daily and are now just being held together by some spiritual duct tape. Deep down, I think there's a certain part of every one of us that has a moment or two in our life when we would have liked to curl up on our bed and cry, "I want my Mommy!" Those are the times we have to trust that our Heavenly Father really DOES know how much we can handle . . . .
