Sadness (collage)

Then Comes the Night (sonnet)

By day, the sun is shining, oh so bright.
My future seems a promise within reach.
But then daylight fades, I'm frozen by fright,
And I forget all the sermons I preach.
Words are so easy to say and to write;
Acting on them's so much harder to do.
The loneliness creeps on in with the night,
Bringing the melancholy right along.
I struggle to do what I know is right;
It's hard to tell which shades of gray are wrong.
My heart will surely lead my steps astray.
I cannot trust all the things that I feel.
And as pitch darkness overcomes the day,
The pain comes back in waves so very real.
Just when I think I am on the right track,
Then comes the night, and the fear is right back.

Cold Duck and I (sonnet)

Cold duck and I are swimming all around,
Trying to make sense of why I am here.
Fighting to keep my feet firm on the ground,
Struggling to keep my entire mind clear.
Cold duck says I am all wrong for this pond,
I long for the land of ten thousand lakes.
It's a place for which I've always been fond,
Where even lame ducks sometimes get a break.
Cold duck and I think the world is too large;
Too many people with rules, oh so strange.
I wish, just for once, that I could take charge
Of life, of my destiny, for a change.
Cold duck and I only meet now and then,
'Twill be hard to wait 'til we meet again.

The Maze in My Mind (sonnet)

Ageless and nameless and faceless, I feel,
As though I do not fit in anywhere.
Are my thoughts or my feelings even real,
Or did some weird stroke of fate put them there?
There are some things I know with certainty,
But there are so many things that I doubt.
I have learned a great deal from books, you see,
But there's still so much I can't figure out. 
Do others struggle with questions like these,
Or am I just some special kind of freak?
Will my heart and mind ever be at ease?
Will I ever find the answers I seek?
How on earth will I ever hope to find
A way to explain the maze in my mind?

Sing Me a Lullaby (sonnet)

Can't somebody sing me a lullaby,
Like I think my mother always used to?
I can't sleep and I'm much too old to cry,
So what's a very tired woman to do?
Can't someone get me some milk in a glass,
And warm it like I remember she did,
Or hot cocoa, that would do the trick fast,
I would finally be sleeping instead.
Can't somebody rock me and hold me close,
Like I think my dad must have always done?
I think it's the hugs that I miss the most,
And being alone isn't any fun.
It's true that I'm being a big baby,
But even grownups have "those days," maybe.

Catch Twenty Two (sonnet)

Catch twenty two, that's the way it will be.
No win situation; deadlines I can't meet.
If I succeed, I fail miserably,
Nowhere solid for me to place my feet.
A temporary place that I call home,
But nothing to really count on to stay.
No one to rely on, I feel so alone,
Despite what all the professionals say.
A friend or two do give encouragement,
But they cannot change the course of my path.
A blessing or two that are heaven sent,
But no solutions that are holding fast.
Do I dare believe miracles exist?
Am I damned to always wond'ring like this?

All Sorts of "Friends" (sonnet)

I see only Darkness, as I look on;
A fog of Unknown, Unheard, and Unseen.
Pity's potholes fill the road walked upon,
And Hope gets lost so easily between.
Like a frightened child, I look all around
For someone who's willing to be my guide,
Someone to lift my feet up off the ground,
Someone to walk faithfully by my side.
Injustice waves a hand in the cold air
And volunteers to share my lonely path.
Depression tiptoes in out of nowhere,
And Doubt races to me through the high grass.
I'm not alone, I have all sorts of "friends."
It's this blasted journey that never ends.

Unworthy (sonnet)

I know I don't deserve for You to hear
My prayers, oh Lord, or give a second thought
To my complaining words or raining tears.
Some may say I'm beautiful, but I'm not.
My past is ugly as the sin I've borne,
It comforts not that You are forgiving.
I try to let it go, but still I mourn
For those that died and those that are living.
Is there an end to this eternal ache?
A mother's heart can only take so much
Before it crumbles and begins to break
From all the worrying and stress and such.
Unworthy though I am, I come to You.
Please give me strength so I can make it through.

Winter in My Soul (sonnet)

The flowers say that Spring is on its way,
But it's still Winter deep within my soul.
The sun comes out each warm and sunny day,
But I cannot escape the bitter cold.
I hear "Mom" in a store and turn my head;
It's automatic when I hear that call.
I was coming to life, but now I feel dead,
Without a reason to go on at all.
I wake each morning and must force myself
To get up, to get out, and to go on.
I cannot depend on anyone else;
My faith in humanity's all but gone.
What did I do to deserve all this pain?
I dared to let my feelings show again.

The Nothingness Surrounds Me Like a Cloud (sonnet)

The nothingness surrounds me like a cloud
Until my barren soul just falls apart.
The fragments seen that I can't voice out loud,
Betrayed by garish dreams and taboo art.
Is there an evil force I cannot see,
Somehow at work within these shadowed halls?
Am I the one who's cursed myself to be
Forever locked behind these sacred walls?
Each time I think I know just what to feel,
I cannot find the words, I cannot cry,
Life kicks me in the ass with pain so real,
I cannot find an answer for the "why."
No matter where I go or what I do
It seems I struggle just to make it through.